CelebNewsWire» Rihanna Archives – CelebNewsWire

Rihanna Won’t Suffer Pinky Dicks

Agent E. — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:56:22 +0000

We love it when celebrities are honest. Some famous lady talks about how she farted in her costar’s face when he was giving her a movie mouthjob? That’s cool. So we’re all for Rihanna telling everybody how much she wants a giant wang. Oh wait, that sounded wrong. She doesn’t want to BE a dude with a giant wang. She wants to HUMP a dude with a giant wang. As far as we know, Rihanna does not want to become a man. Sorry for the confusion. Anyway, our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, reports:

When asked what a guy needed to impress her, she quipped to German magazine Bravo: “He has to be good in bed and the size matters. You know what I mean?

“The inner beauty counts as well, but without a toy it doesn’t make it fun. Right now I don’t want to have a serious relationship, I want to have fun.”

She said: “I love flirting at the moment. I’m single and I’m enjoying my freedom. But I don’t give my phone number out that often. But if I’m dating, I check the boy from the top to the bottom.”

Well she sure had a big dick when she was dating Chris Brown.

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CNW Junk Drawer: Goose Egg

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:00:55 +0000

Rihanna has a big lump on her head. So she either went back to Chris “Doo Doo” Brown or she’s growing horns. The latter is more believable. (Gone Hollywood)
Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima gives birth to baby girl; is probably not a virgin anymore. (PopEater)
Victoria’s Secret model Shannan Click naked. Totally, truly, NSFW naked naked. It’s pretty funny that a model has the last name “Click”. That would be like a dentist named Dr. Bzzzzzrrrrt or CelebNewsWire’s last name being a fart sound. (Yeeeah!)
Beyonce upskirt, but she’s got underwear on so don’t get too jazzed or nuthin. (Cityrag)
New Moon star Noot Seear nude. Which makes you a Nood Seer. Haw! (Nudography)
Ashley Tisdale wears a bikini. Also, I got a splinter yesterday. It hurt! (CelebSlam)
Lily Allen has a secret half sister! Dun dun DUN! (Anything Hollywood)
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Rihanna Keeps Doin’ Her Own Thing, Strainin’ Nip Against Satin

Agent E. — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:31:47 +0000

Goddammit, internets, haven’t we gone over this before? How many times do we have to teach you what a nip slip is? Do we need to send an especially big nipple, like one belonging to Bai Ling or Milla Jovovich, down to where you do all that informative blogging and show you in person? Cause that might be fun. Especially the part where we get to hang out with Bai Ling. We’ll be all like, “Hey Bai, you’ve got really big nipples. We dig ‘em. Do you think if we put some paint on the end of one and gave you a sketch pad you could draw us a pony?” And then she’d be all like, “Sure CelebNewsWire, new buddy. I do that all the time. I even have some paint and paper in my bunny-rabbit-shaped mini backpack.” And then she would paint us a pony with her nipple (the left one we’re thinking), and then we would continue on to world blogging headquarters, where Bai would lean over in front of Mr. Internets just enough so that her nipple popped out of her shirt and met the fresh air. THAT would be a nipple slip. These here are Rihanna see-through pictures. Because you see through the shirt. See? Nothing is slipping out of anything. Got it?

Rihanna Talks About “The Incident”; Wears Funny Outfit

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:49:17 +0000

“A Asshole” Chris Brown has been so busy picking up horse apples for community service, while Rihanna has remained occupied by wearing an array of completely see-through outfits, that we almost forgot about the fact that he beat the shit out of her with closed fists and threatened to kill her. Just kidding, we didn’t forget about it. And neither did Rihanna, who told her side of the story to Diane Sawyer. She says:

“I stayed. I even went back after he beat me, which was wrong … I’m a human being and people put me on a very unrealistic pedestal. I’m not perfect. It’s pretty natural for that to be the first reaction. It’s completely normal to go back and start lying to yourself. The minute the physical wounds go away, you want this thing to go away. This is a memory you don’t want to have again.”

And then she ran her fingers through her bleached flop, jumped on her Vision, and did some ollies while listening to Suicidal Tendencies’ “Join the Army” on tape.

Note: CelebNewsWire does not condone or make light of domestic violence but we do think Rihanna’s current hairdo is real funny.

Sexy Tigger Meets Coco T in Her Sunday Best

Agent E. — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:30:34 +0000

Can someone please explain this picture to us? We’d really appreciate some clarification. K? Thanks.

Rihanna Dons Barbed Wire; Debuts New Song

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:47:04 +0000

The totally awesome Rihanna has been so busy dressing like a robot doctor from the future that she hasn’t done much musically in a while. However, according to her website, the wait is “ova”. Good to know. She debuted a new song, “Russian Roulette”, this morning, and it opens with a guitar making the most soaring and mournful sound this side of “Magic Man” and “Boys of Summer”, then goes into the line “you can see it through my chest.” Which we suppose refers to all her recent awesome see-through fashions. A for effort, RiRi.

That Is Also a Pretty Dress

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:31:49 +0000

You almost certainly had a social studies teacher who wore a mint Sta-Prest pantsuit and a holiday themed brooch well into the ’90s, but she wasn’t out of style. She just found a look that worked for her. The same goes for Rihanna. Only instead of Mrs. Potter’s ankle-length Dacron, Rihanna’s go-to fabric is something that appears to be made out of loosely-spaced spider web threads or, like, tinted glass or something equally sheer. And instead of a laughing light-up Santa that plays “Silent Night”, Rihanna’s accessories are a thong and a hoop stabbed through her nip. Pretty, but they don’t really capture the reason for the season, you know? Then again, we’ve never attempted to pull on RiRi’s nipple ring. Maybe it blasts “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” while spitting tinsel and ham.

We’re going to go ahead and put these on the front page. Why? Because you hate your job anyway. We’ll just get that layoff ball rolling for ya.

That’s a Pretty Dress

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:00:51 +0000

People like to poke fun at our girl Rihanna, saying that she has a twelvehead, a nasally voice, an Arsenio Hall Gumby hairdo, and that she resembles some sort of E.T.-borg hybrid. All these things may be true, but she’s also pretty much the coolest person in the U.S.A. right now, and she proves it by consistently wearing totally boss shit like this dress that is completely see-through save for some well-placed opaque stripes. She obviously has nil on underneath this thing, so how does she hold up her bewbs or keep her genitals from spilling out? That dress is like a sexy cloth prison, and Rihanna’s breasts are plotting a jailbreak involving digging their way to freedom using a contraband spoon they got by trading an hj to a guy named Toejam. Boy howdy, we know how to make a sexy story even sexier.

He’s Bringing Cheating Back (Yeah)

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:37:22 +0000

Once you summit the treacherous yet holy peaks of Jessica Biel’s ass, where do you go? Like the mountain climber in the Price Is Right game, you either win the dinette set, or you plunge off the end to your death. Or, if you’re Justin Timberlake, you find another mountain to scale. Mt. Rihanna. Star has the scoop:

While Justin Timberlake’s relationship with Jessica Biel cools, he’s not wasting any time turning up the heat with Rihanna!

“They tried to keep it a secret, but Jessica found out within days,” a source says. Justin’s three-year relationship with Jessica seems to have reached a critical point. “She must be a wreck.”

“Rihanna and Justin have been talking and texting on the phone nonstop since the VMAs,” a source tells Star. But before Rihanna totally gives in to the attraction, she wants to make sure she’s not his lady on the side. A friend reveals: “She asked him on the phone, ‘Are you still with Jessica?’ And he hinted that things were cooling off between them.”

You and I have to decide between entering foreclosure or getting our Daewoo repo’ed. Justin Timberlake has to decide between putting his ding dong into Jessica Biel or Rihanna. Waaah! Life is hard!

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Rihanna Knows How to Accessorize

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:34:58 +0000

The awesomely radical Rihanna walked around in New York City yesterday while loose-fisted ex Chris “A ASSHOLE” Brown picked up horse pies as part of his battery community service over in Virginia. Brown may have been wearing a bright orange vest and a pair of weeding gloves but Rihanna opted for an even more utilitarian outfit consisting of a giant necklace featuring her own name, a Balki Bartokomous goatherding vest, and a bullring in her nipple. You know what they say, “success is the best revenge”! Or is that “living well is the best revenge”? No, it’s nipple rings. Nipple rings are the best revenge. I think Henry James wrote that.

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