The R. Kelly Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 14:57:22 +0000

Everybody’s good at something, even if they don’t excel in other areas. Some people are terrible at sports but awesome cooks. Some have miserable singing voices but are totally ripping at math. And then there’s R. Kelly, who is kind of illiterate but he’s really good at relieving his bladder on teenage girls. Showbiz Spy reports that R. recently admitted,

“When I was trying to make it out here, I already knew, and I was stubborn about it,” he said. “I don’t even read really and I’m not afraid to say that. My cousins and brother used to tease me, ‘You can’t even read right. How you think you’re going to come up?’

“The only reason I graduated from grammar school is because I had a great jump shot. I went to high school and my teacher told me, ‘You will be one of the greatest writers of all time’.

“I believed. You [have to] believe it. You can’t believe [anything] if you’re hating. You can’t achieve [anything] if you’re hating.”

Yeah, he also believed he could fly and touch the sky. But his teacher was totally right. 2000 years in the future, civilizations will eschew the Bible and Koran in favor of an illuminated ancient script of “Trapped in the Closet”. Christianity will be over. People will worship adulterous midgets.

That's My Robert, Always Divorcin' Somebody

Agent E. — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 18:11:34 +0000

Hey, all you Hannah Montana fans! We hope you had totally rockin' holidays and are having fun sleeping on your new Miley Cyrus bedsheets and getting rid of those icky pimples with your Miley Cyrus facial cleanser and finally convinced your dad that his Land Rover would run so much better with a Miley Cyrus brand carburetor under the hood. But we've got a little public service announcement, because above all else, we really care about your safety (because dead tweens can't spend their parents' money at the Disney store). You might not know who he is, because you will never hear "Sex in the Kitchen" on Radio Disney, but R&B singer R. Kelly has finalized his divorce to his wife of eleven years. That brave woman may have kept R. off the streets for over a decade, but now that he's on the loose, there's no telling what dangers you as young women may face. So please, make sure your middle school principal locks the doors tight, and if a corn-rowed man approaches you wanting to engage in some "Real Talk", run.

P.S. In case you're keeping count, today's tally for CNW subjects famous for pee-related antics is three out of five. And that Martha Stewart, you never know what she's into.

P.P.S. This shit is frightening.

CelebNewsWire» R. Kelly Archives – CelebNewsWire

The R. Kelly Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too

That's My Robert, Always Divorcin' Somebody