"I'm not jealous of anybody until Katie's drunk. There's nobody I feel threatened by when she's sober. But if she's been drinking, I know she's capable of anything. The devil gets inside her and she's a nightmare."

Keep in mind that Peter and Jordan have sold every step of their lives together to OK! mag, from their wedding to the births of their children to the remodeling of their home, so we hope they get a tidy sum for the heart-wrenching pictorial of their breakup. One page will show the entire family posed cleverly miming playing tug-of-war in matching white chav warm-up suits that say "PEACE OUT", another will have a tender reenactment of Katie and Pete tearfully splitting up their vast self-tanner/NADS collection.

Jordan wants Angelina Jolie to play her in a film of her life.

The British model and TV star, real name Katie Price, thinks the stunning actress would be the perfect choice to portray her on the big screen.

She also has a specific leading man in mind to play husband Peter Andre.

Jordan said: "I do really want to do a film about my life. I'm thinking Angelina Jolie could be me and Keanu Reeves for Pete."

You know, we think that Jordan's casting decisions are so terrible that we're going to continue on with our idea of populating a Jordan/Peter Andre biopic with members of the animal kingdom. We think a badger could possibly capture the essence of Peter, as long as that badger waxed his chest and studied Derek Zoolander's Blue Steel really, really hard. Does the Academy give out Oscars for casting? Because we think we've pretty much got that award in the bag.

"I have a wee on the toilet in front of him, but I'd never have a poo in front of Pete, unless it was a sexual act!"

Well, of course, Katie. Pooping into a toilet while someone watches is so much more difficult than pooping on their chest. We completely understand.

Jordan's favourite place to have sex is in the bath.

The glamour model – real name Katie Price – loves getting steamy with husband Peter Andre in the tub, but the couple have to plan their romps with military precision so they aren't caught by their children.

Jordan – who has two children with Peter, new baby daughter Princess Tiaamii and two-year-old son Junior, and a son, five-year-old Harvey, from her relationship with soccer star Dwight Yorke – revealed: "We get in the bath together a lot!

"But we have to plan sex really carefully. With kids it's always hard as one of them could walk in, and then you're like, 'Arggh!' "

The busty star has also revealed that Peter's private parts are completely free of pubic hair, so he is clean for lovemaking.

She said: "Pete even shaves his a***hole. Well, doesn't shave it, but uses Veet to make it go bald. He's very clean down there, like a baby."

We imagine that the reason Jordan loves bathtub sex is that the water somewhat muffles the sound of taut waxed skin rubbing on taut plastic skin. The "squeak, squeak, squeak" would surely wake Harvey.

Oh, and just for fun, here's a picture of Peter cupping his hairless balls. Or is that David Silver?

"Her name is Princess Tiaamii. Princess because she is our princess and Tiaamii was Pete's idea because it's taken from our mums' names.

"We've put an accent over the first 'a' to make it a bit more exotic and two 'i's at the end just to make it look a bit different.

"We love it because it's unique, plus it means something special to us. I'm going to get a tattoo on the back of my neck with a crown and 'Princess' underneath."

We really hope that Flavor of Love is still around when Princess Tiaamii comes of age because she wouldn't even need a pseudonym. But as great of a name as Princess Tiaamii is, we think Harvietta would have been a more fitting familial tribute.

Find more preggo naked Jordan at Faded Youth.

"I wouldn't be doing it because I want to be smaller, because Pete likes me the way I am.

"But, and women who've had kids will know what I'm talking about, sometimes you're not as tight down there as you'd like afterwards. Sometimes if you cough or sneeze a bit of wee comes out! I just have to cross my legs and hope it doesn't trickle down my leg.

"It's not really a designer vagina I'm considering, but I'll probably get a couple of extra stitches put in while they're down there!"

Oh, come on. Jordan has some serious chav-like qualities, and if there's anything chavs like, it's designer items. The question is, will she go for the Burberry plaid pussy, or spring for the Vuitton "LV" stamped one with the gold croc skin handle?

Jordan's husband, Peter Andre, is presently recovering from a serious case of meningitis, and Jordan recently spoke about his weight loss, telling New magazine:
"

The weight's only gone from his waist. It hasn't gone from his nice, broad shoulders and pecs. And he hasn't lost any weight off his willy, so that's good. It's still nice and big."

And a new excuse for paltry ding dongs is born. "Sorry, baby. I'm getting over meningitis." Better than Seinfeldian "shrinkage", because of the pity factor.

And in yet more Jordan and Peter news, she confesses that her colossally pregnant belly is not lending itself kindly to pelvic grooming. Peter adds:

"Tell me about it–it's half bald and half Amazon jungle."

We're assuming he means the reverse mullet: bald in the back and furry in the front, but let's just picture a crotch-'fro that rivals Angela Davis, with errant patches of baldness here and there. Because it's funnier.

Explore the depths of naked Jordan at MrSkin.com.

ìMy sex life is brilliant this time round. Even though Iím suffering terrible back pain, Pete and I have been inventive. Pete is really fit and toned and looks incredibly sexy. We have sex in all different ways to get round my backache . . . Pete is fascinated by my huge boobs. He calls them my ëgazallasí and asks if he can touch them. But sometimes they are so sore I snap his head off. He likes to bury his head in them and for me to squash them together so he almost suffocates.î

As far as reality-show sexual misadventures go, "It wasn't not funny" has remained the apogee. But if Peter Andre were to get his head literally snapped off and then squashed between his wife's chestular behemoths, we might have a new champion. Jordan adds,

ìIím also going to have Botox, the works. Itís what Iím looking forward to the most . . . I am one million per cent having a boob job after the birth. It will be my fourth, but I want new implants, possibly smaller, and to perk them up a bit. And if I have a new boob job they will be exclusive to Pete ó nobody else will have touched them.î

Ah, if only everyone could so easily replace their sexual pieces. Snap off the old and bolt on a new with each fresh relationship and all those pesky "jealousy" and "VD" issues will be a thing of the past. Be reborn as a virgin with every replacement part!

And god bless future Baby Andre, who, in 10 years, will stumbled across a clipping of this interview and find out that what his mother was "looking forward to the most" was not seeing his face for the first time, holding him in her waiting arms, or watching him grow–it was paying a man in a lab coat to inject botulism into her crow's feet. The miracle of life!

Explore Jordan's naked replacement parts at MrSkin.com.

ï Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

ï Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

ï Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, ìIím not a perfect person, but Iím not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.î He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

ï Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

ï Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

ï Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

ï Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.