The evening started off very civilly. Pete and Ashlee had a pleasant conversation with Michelle and her boyfriend for close to 20 minutes, and even showed [Trachtenberg] some baby pictures of [Ashlee's] little boy, Bronx.

Things got out of control. An increasingly loud Simpson began to give Wentz a lap dance while staring directly at Michelle and hurling insults at her. She was grinding up on Pete like a stripper. It was actually pretty disgusting.

Things reached a climax when Simpson screamed at a confused Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!"

God, what kind of a world do we live in? A drunken near catfight over Little Petey Wentz? WTF? Drunken catfights between bimbos should be reserved for someone like George Clooney, not the puny MySpace-haired bassist of some emo-rock band. That's like if we went up to someone about to throw out an apple core and started throwing a fit. "No! That's my apple core! It only loves me. It never really loved you. It let me lick on it the whole time you were eating it. It's all mine, mine, mine, you apple-eating whore!"

P.S. You best step off, Ashlee. Georgina would totally kick your ass.

Pete Wentzís New York City bar, Angels & Kings, has temporarily been shut down for allegedly serving alcohol to minors. New York Police authorities closed the Manhattan East Village bar Friday amid reports that alcoholic drinks had been served to underage customers. The violations have been placed on the barís front door stating the venue has been ìclosed by court order.î

A spokesperson for Angels & Kings tells PEOPLE: ìThere was an outstanding legal issue which the owners are now working to correct.î

Honestly, what do you expect to happen? You open up a venue, blast Gym Class Heroes out the front of it, add a bunch of kids in butt-smugglingly tight purple jeans all texting in a line out front, and 15-year-olds are going to come creeping in. It's like going to Whitney Houston's house and sprinkling crack on her lawn.

. . . another tabloid tattle doubts Wentz is ready to be a father once again: ìHe loves Ash and Bronx, but he also loves his freedom. He thinks a second kid could change things for the worse. He doesnít want to be tied down and stuck at home all the time.î

And Ashlee?

ì..She loves Pete and wants to hang on to him. She believes this second baby will really clinch the deal.î

Because if marriage and a baby doesn't seal the deal, just keep crapping out more until it takes. That worked out well for Jon and Kate plus 8.

• Renee Zellweger says she wants a man like a dictionary. Long and hard? Hoo ha! (FemaleFirst)
• Lily Allen shittalks half of England. We’re in love. (Anything Hollywood)
• Megan Fox as an awkward teen. Without the awkward part. (Cityrag)
• Miss California Carrie Prejean topless pictures. She hates gays getting married, but showing boobs is a go. (Celebitchy)
• Douche crown prince Pete Wentz says that Twitter is the “highest form of narcissism”. Higher than taking webcam pictures of your tattooed dick root? (Digital Spy)
• Kiefer Sutherland will be charged with a misdemeanor. Misdemeanor headbutting. God. That sounds so badass. (The Blemish)
• Jon and Kate plus 8 plus Jon’s 23-year-old fuckbuddy. That’s a good show. (Yeeeah!)
• Ellen Pompeo his impacted feces bloating her belly. That or a baby, whatever. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)
• Celebrity gossip mags for some reason feel the need to have Kirstie Alley tell the world how ashamed she is at gaining weight. (Daily Stab)
• Singer/model Cassie gets her computer hacked, nudes leaked, Twitters about it. Titters about it? Oh ho, how droll! (PopCrunch)

PARTY animals-turned-parents Ashlee Simpson (above) and Pete Wentz are having trouble with their new domestic lifestyle. An insider told Page Six, "Ashlee and Pete are on the rocks. He is going out all the time and she's stuck at home. It's just not working." A rep for Simpson, who's currently spending some alone time with her hubby in Australia without baby Bronx Mowgli, said, "This is not true. Everything is fine in their world."

We never thought Ashlee was the type of girl to carefully think things out. When Papa Joe said, "You should have a baby! You would get so much attention. You'd be on the cover of every magazine, and they would give you money to talk about how you got your post-baby body. And if you give it a really weird name people will never stop talking about it. It will be great!" Ashlee probably didn't think past that initial round of publicity. You know, to things like actually taking care of a child. So now she's all, "Little Petey Wentz gets to go to clubs and drink and party and hang out with cool people, and all I get to do is sit here with a stupid baby." And then Bronx is all, "Waaaaaaa!"

Ashlee probably didn't want him telling everyone about getting up to 150 pounds during her pregnancy, but at least he says the weight is ìblazing off herósheís a babe.î A babe with whom he has ìan amazing sex life"…and this is where he veers into serious detail overload.

Their amazing sex life is in part due to Peteís claim that ìTexas girls are fun." He spares no detail about the first time they had sexóincluding the place, the mirrors and what he was thinking: ìOh, my God, you are banging the girl of your dreams.î

"We have such a sexual chemistry,î Pete continues (and seriously never stops). ìHad we been on this show last year we'd probably be doing it in the green room."

However, now that they have a 2-week-old baby, not so much…yet. Instead, "We do other fun stuff. She's not ready down there."

Other fun facts about their sex life that we probably shouldn't knowóbut do nowóinclude the specifics of Ashleeís boobs: "She's a C, but I think with the breast milk itís a D." And that she's up for anything (really, anything): "Let's just say my wife likes me to have a good time.î

Early in the interview, he mentions that Ashlee specifically told him, "Don't say anything crummy about me.î

While it doesn't exactly translate to crummy, "fat tits and does anal" isn't really considered the height of compliments in our book. Then again, we're not from Texas and don't have pastor parents, y'all!

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered
mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just donít want to go down that road with him.

ps trust me heís cute. he looks like his mommy.

Does he look like new mommy, or mommy's original face? We don't know, but we're hoping he inherited Pete's favorite feature of Ashlee's. Her tits! According to our personal breast friend, Female First:

Asked what his favourite feature of Ashlee's was, Pete replied: "I would have to start with the breasts!

Hot. OK, and finally, The SimpWentzes have asked Gym Class Heroes member/boyfriend of Katy Perry Travis McCoy to be the child's godfather. CelebWarship scoops the poop:

ìIím so proud,î Travis tells In Touch. ìPete told me I was treading godfather territory and two days later, after I met Bronx and Ashlee saw how good I was with him, it was official.î

Because when it comes to guiding youth, who better than a dude with Hall & Oates hand tattoos. God, Ashlee and Pete are such douches. "Douche is the only word that comes to mind when we see their names. It's like in old time cartoons when someone was gullible and taken for a ride and their head morphed into a sucker. Only we picture Pete and Ashlee with nozzled heads smelling of vinegar and mountain rain.

ASHLEE Simpson and Pete Wentz are trying to drum up some cash by selling photos of their baby, Bronx Mowgli – but so far, no takers. A celebrity weekly insider told Page Six, "Pete and Ashlee have approached every single celebrity magazine with offers to sell their first photos, but nobody wants them. Covers of them tend not to sell well." A rep for Simpson denied it.

Some might see this as a huge slap in the face to Little Petey and Ashlee, but we see it as a golden opportunity. If Star and People and the like aren't biting, this just may be the perfect occasion for Alternative Press or Pitchfork to break into the celebrity gossip game at rock bottom prices.

ï Chelsea Handler may be posing nude for Playboy, because she's so popular and everyone likes her show, right? (Yeeeah!)

ï Pete Wentz tries to explain his and Ashlee's choice of the name Bronx Mowgli. "We're retarded" is a good start. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Mariah Carey refused to drink a glass of champagne. In the celebrity bump watch world, that's pretty much on the same level as the baby crowning. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Dita von Teese naked in German Playboy. That isn't much of a teese. (Celebitchy)

ï Average joes weigh in: who'd you most like to see in a lesbian scene? The answers may astound you. (Mr. Skin)

ï Megan Fox claims that she looks like Ted Nugent in a wig. Wang dang! Sweet poontang. (Digital Spy)

ï Even more photos of Britney Spears looking hot hot hooootttttttttt in Rolling Stone. Hooooootttttt. Hot. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Cleavage-bearing Rihanna in her usual robo-Gene Simmons wear. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Karolina Kurkova's missing belly button: another mystery solved. Thanks, Encyclopedia Brown! (CelebWarship)