Pete Doherty has revealed that he buried one of his cats in his pond – but to the Babyshambles manís horror, the animal remained on the waterís surface until it froze. ìThe cat got run over so I thought Iíd give it a burial at sea – well, the pond,î he said. ìBut it didnít sink, it floated and then froze over. So there was this dead cat under the ice looking up at me. It was terrible.î

The cat dies. Then it gets thrown in a pond. Then its rotting corpse floats to the surface. Then it's entombed in ice for the duration of the season, like a feline ice mummy. The only way this story could get more depressing would be if Pete grabbed a rake to crack the ice and retrieve his cat, only to impale the pet on the rake's razor sharp tines, sending its frosty entrails sailing through the air and onto the face of a child visiting Doherty thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

ï Can't lose that last stubborn five pounds? Get gastric band surgery! Courtney Love did. (Yeeeah!)

ï Pics from Britney Spears's new video for "Womanizer". Lots o' wigs, and not a batty pink one amongst them. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Madonna bans Sarah Palin from attending her shows. Because Sarah Palin is a really huge fan of Breathless Mahoney and the video for "Justify My Love". (Daily Stab)

ï Miley Cyrus makes out with Minnie Mouse. Because that's just how she rolls, man. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï David Duchovny and his heat-seeking wang released back onto an unsuspecting pubic. Public. (IDLYITW)

ï Lauren Bacall calls Tom Cruise "vulgar", "sick", "ridiculous", and "a maniac". You forgot "short", Betty. (Exposay)

ï Nick Nolte's house burned down, and NO, it wasn't because he dropped a doob onto the bed, jerk. (PopCrunch)

ï Pete Doherty wants to perform in a rat-filled coffin. When asked for comment, rats said, "Ew, disgusting." (NME)

ï A party at the Playboy Mansion inspires Anna Faris to greater heights of promiscuity. (Mr. Skin)

ï Forgetting Sarah Marshall. But not forgetting the nipple patches. Damn you, Kristen Bell. (Don't Link This)

A warrant has been issued for troubled rocker Pete Doherty's arrest after he missed a court hearing for the second time.

The Babyshambles frontman was expected to enter a plea on today for allegedly attacking a female press photographer last summer.

He was charged with criminal damage to Catherine Mead's camera lens following the incident in Somerset, England.

After a second missed hearing, magistrates in Yeovil, Somerset, issued a warrant for the arrest of Doherty without bail.

Pete Doherty brought to justice? That just doesn't seem right. Unless of course England has passed a new law allowing co-ed jail cells and Amy Winehouse will soon be brought in on charges of possession of monumental amounts of drugs and the pair can find scabby, junky love behind bars. And if the British judicial system is in any kind of financial bind, they can install cameras and make millions off of the syndication rights of Crack & Smack: Love Behind Bars.

ï Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)

ï Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)

ï "Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a parperp pupozee parparotzy man and kissed on him. rainbows r pritty!!!!!111" Britney Spears has video diaries and they may be released, woo hoo! (Hollywire)

ï John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)

ï Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)

ï Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)

ï Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)

ï Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)

SUPERMODEL Kate Moss has her lawyers busy trying to gag her drug-addict ex-boyfriend, Pete Doherty. The Babyshambles frontman is negotiating with Britain's ITV2 network to tell all about their romance and share his home videos of her in a documentary titled "Kate & Pete: A Love Story." Doherty, who split with Moss last summer, could make $1 million, a source said, adding, "Producers hope he'll let them use a lot of film he and Kate shot on camcorders." But an insider told PageSix.com, "Kate is furious with Pete. She has contacted her lawyers and plans to get an injunction to stop the production." Moss will be horrified if the tapes surface. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else," we're told. "She'll feel betrayed."

We're hoping Kate's lawsuit isn't successful and the TV show will air. Mostly because we assume it will be just like Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, but with fewer "y'all"s and pot and more "cheerio, guv'nor"s and coke.

ï Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)

ï Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)

ï Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)

ï Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)

ï John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)

ï Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)

ï Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)

Pete Doherty has been filmed snorting what appears to be cocaine just days after vowing to return to rehab.

The troubled Babyshambles rocker, who apologised to fans last week following his heroin relapse, appears to chop up five lines of the class A drug before snorting them through a rolled-up piece of paper and staring blankly at the camera.

One of Pete's friend told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "He just can't stop using. He has been warned about how much he is taking but he won't stop. He says he wants to get clean but his actions tell a different story."

Last Wednesday (07.11.07), Pete promised to check back into rehab after being filmed injecting heroin at his Wiltshire home. Just days before he was filmed using heroin, Pete claimed he dreamed of using drugs again and was "mourning for an armful". It has been reported the 28-year-old musician is seeking help for his addictions, but only as a day patient.

You know what's amazing to us? Not the fact that Pete Doherty cannot seem to stop doing drugs, it's the fact that he can't seem to stop doing drugs with a camera pointed into his face. We have enough footage of this guy shooting funky junk that he could have his own channel. Which, considering the WGA strike, ain't a half bad idea. No problem, FOX, just send the check to CelebNewsWire HQ.

ï Our favorite opiate connoisseur, Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (Drunken Stepfather)

ï And Pete's ex, Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (Taxi Driver)

ï Jerry O'Connell has hot wife; poor self-esteem. (The Blemish)

ï Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (Cityrag)

ï Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (Daily Stab)

ï Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (Egotastic!)

ï Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (Derek Hail)

ï Rihanna and Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Which is causing poor Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (PopCrunch)

ï Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (TMZ)

ï Teri Hatcher is a butt-picker. A picker of butts. (Taxi Driver)

ï New Kim Kardashian sex tape footage coming soon. In your pants. Get it? Get it? Get it? Huh? Do you get it? Did you get that joke? Huh? Get it? NADS! (The Hollywood Gossip)

ï Pamela Anderson is not pregnant, after all. Yeah, who cares, we have J. Lo to worry about now, babe, don't bother us. (GlossLip)

ï Hilary Duff is a serious actress. You can tell by her lacy half-leggings and erect nipples. (The Blemish)

ï Megan Fox is 3000% more attractive without drag queen makeup. Now, if only she could wash off the David Silver with some Pond's, we'd be set. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Wow, Scarlett Johansson sure is ugly. Isn't she a dog? Just look at her. Yuck. Man. (Daily Stab)

ï Yikes, someone get Pete Doherty back on the drugs, pronto. (CelebWarship)

ï Slice your wrists, get the girl. Kate Hudson is willing to give Owen Wilson another shot. In love. What did you think we meant? Oh, in the arm? Hahahaha, that's kind of funny. Here, take the keyboard, friend. (Yeeeah!)

Junkie Pete Doherty is snapped appearing to give his kitten crack ó from a mini-pipe he made specially for it.

Sickened pals who leaked the picture claimed the warped rocker regularly gets the pet smashed.

One added: ìIn Peteís mind it is the only one who understands him now.î

The Babyshambles frontmanís cat Dinger ó named after a slang term for a syringe ó had five kittens in April.

The friend said: ìOne in particular has borne the brunt of his drug abuse. Pete thinks itís hilarious to get it wasted. He even made a special mini-crack pipe out of a bottle so it can get the maximum hit. But the kitten is starting to get really bad withdrawal symptoms. It has lost some of its balance and takes huge risks jumping over things that are too high. It thinks it can fly. Itís really distressing to see.î

Michael Vick is suspended from the NFL for fighting dogs; can we suspend Pete from the human race for cracking up cats? After all, it was only a few months ago that we saw Pete feeding a joint to a penguin. He's not going to stop until the entire animal kingdom is all zorked out on dope, like the crazed sheep on The Simpsons' "Tomacco" episode. You'll try to take your kids to a petting zoo and the goats will be rocking and scratching weeping sores on their arms while the rabbits dance around with glowsticks.