Penelope Cruz is pregnant and expecting her first child with longtime love Javier Bardem, according to online reports.

“Penelope is about four months pregnant,” a source says. “She’s really healthy now and will be a great mother.”

Just once, we want to hear these mysterious sources give something other than rapturous delight. “Penelope is pregnant, and doesn’t know who the father is. A meth binge will do that, you know. She’ll make a great mother. If ‘great mother’ means forcing your children to dance on a street corner for cash to fund your vintage slap bracelet collection.” That would be entertaining.

*Note: CelebNewsWire was using artistic license and does not in any way, shape, or form, imply that Penelope Cruz actually takes methamphetamine or collects vintage slap bracelets. We are, however, guilty of having a Facebook page.

Woody Allen has denied rumours of racy sex scenes between Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson in upcoming movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Johansson and Cruz appear in a steamy scene together as well as taking part in a threesome with Spanish actor Javier Bardem, according to reports.

The director admits that the film does feature a lesbian clinch – but "not in the sense that they're (the press) suggesting."

And the 72-year-old dismisses claims that it is "steamy", telling Britain's Empire magazine, "There's no truth comparable to anything you've read. There's the barest smidgeon of sex in it.

"There are sex scenes between all the characters in the movie: between the men and the women, and the women and the women. That is accurate, but I'd say there's probably not even 20 seconds of sex in the whole picture."

What kind of forking marketing strategy is that? The "I already have a shit ton of money, so I don't need any more, I make movies for the love of cinema" approach? Why not just let a bunch of horndogs pay $9.50 apiece to see the movie? It's not like they're going to be so pissed they never see another Woody Allen movie. Theatergoers who choose films based on girl-on-girl groping probably aren't big Manhattan fans anyway.

And since this was basically an anti-sexy-lady story, here's Penelope Cruz peeking some cheek in short shorts. Now that dame knows how to sell movie tickets.

Woody may be a prude, but other directors have allowed Penelope to disrobe onscreen. Peep it at MrSkin.com.

And check out ScarJo's slipped nip while you're there.

Naked Penelope? Yes you may, at MrSkin.com.

And Scarjo gives up some nippage as well. She’s a good sport.

Naked Pene for your pene. She takes it off at MrSkin.com.

SCARLETT Johansson has a steamy lesbian sex scene with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen's upcoming "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." A source tells us: "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem, who plays Cruz's husband. The film also stars Patricia Clarkson, Rebecca Hall, Kevin Dunn and Chris Messina.

Sure, this all sounds hot, but we seriously doubt that we will be "shocked" by the end result. The most erotic a Woody Allen movie gets is a totally-too-hot-for-him lady gushing about how he was the best sex she ever had. And the chick's usually wearing a full body stocking, a Mennonite-inspired full-length denim skirt, and a Land's End parka. So maybe the audience was left gasping because one of the photos developing behind the ladies was of an illegal dog fight. And that threesome with Javier Bardem? We're betting it involves either Scrabble or Balderdash.

ï "I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the Fat Shady, all you other Fat Shadys are just imatatin'." (Cityrag)

ï We can't improve on this original headline: 1 Hayden, 2 Cups. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï Penelope Cruz and very attractive sister wear clothes, look pretty, have picture taken. (Daily Stab)

ï Due to the writers' strike, the Golden Globes will be much less golden; globular. (Yeeeah!)

ï Blake Lively's schnozz: from Sevigny to sliced. (Radar Online)

ï Mariah Carey actually would rather be onstage with J. Lo than a pig after all. Good to know. (Celebitchy)

ï Britney's car was impounded. There was no way for her to avoid bein' grounded. Her parents had to come up from vacation and get me, I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me. So tell you all the kids all across the land, there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand. Dee doo doo doo. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Bono completes the final phase of his slow transformation into Robin Williams. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Not even MC Skat Kat can save Paula Abdul from crazy's grasp now. (The Blemish)

ï Britney dresses her offspring as golf caddies. Or, possibly, Andre 3000. (Allie Is Wired)

A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.

In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star ó and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:

* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out.
* The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."

* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.

Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise ó it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.

While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.

What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles–which would explain all those wide-legged pants–and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).

Reports of PenÈlope Cruz and her sister, MÛnica, making out in their younger brotherís new music video have been greatly exaggerated.

Well, more than exaggeratedóthe reports are wrong!

Just after Christmas, media outlets in Europe reported that singer Eduardo Cruz convinced his sisters to swap spit in the music video for ìCosas Que Contar,î the title track of his debut album. The story quickly spread through the blogoshere with headlines such as “Faux-Dyke Out” and “Cruz Incest Caught on Tape.”

But I’ve got the real story. I can exclusively tell you the gal whom PenÈlope is smooching is actress MÌa Maestro!
While MÛnica and PenÈlope appear in the video as two beauties dubbing a lesbian porn flick into Spanish as well as bathing-suit-clad guitar players, PenÈlopeís rep tells me there was absolutely no lesbian lip-locking screen time between the two.

Reports even went so far as to claim it was 22-year-old Eduardoís idea for the smooch, because he always dreamed of watching his sisters get naughty with each other.

Both sisters do appear in the video, whispering lustily into bro’s ears and looking like they want to eat his face for dinner. With their vaginas. Then way near the end, there are about two seconds of PenÈlope trying to eat MÌa Meastro’s face. With her mouth, unfortunately.

Spy Pen naked at MrSkin.com.

MÌa too.