CNW Junk Drawer: Jennifer Lost Hertits

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:19:56 +0000

ï Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt: You can do side bends or sit-ups. But please don't lose that bust. (Faded Youth)

ï Paris Hilton is getting sued. Again. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Yesterday Jennifer Aniston broke up with John Mayer. Today she's dating Selma Blair's ex. What does tomorow bring? (Female First)

ï Mr. Skin takes to the mean streets of Chicago to uncover Hollywood's greatest ass. (MrSkin.com)

ï Let's play Kim Kardashian Ass Detective! It's funner than Cootie! (Cityrag.com)

ï Peaches Geldof and some indie rocker dude had a quickie wedding in Las Vegas. On their registry: deep V shirts, pocohontas headbands, and cocaine. (CelebWarship)

ï Angelina Jolie is Tom Cruise's understudy. (Hollywire)

ï Audrina Patridge in a bikini. We recently noted that her last name actually ISN'T "Partridge" and our minds were blown. (Fatback)

ï Hey look. It's Marilyn Manson. Or maybe that's Cher. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

Brad Official Dad to Mad. (And Zahara, But That Didn't Rhyme.)

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 17:45:00 +0000

Hey, Brad Pitt is now the official real dad of Angelina's adopted kids. Hey, people are reporting that she's carrying twins. Hey, whatever. We're finding it more and more difficult to muster up enough enthusiasm to report on the goings-on of Brangelina. Now that they've come clean and admitted their impending infant and couplehood (yeah, we just made a Paul Reiser reference, what of it), we've just lost interest. The thrill of the forbidden is gone.

Yesterday it became official: a California judge gave the thumbs-up to the Jolie-Pitt adoption and name change. Brad is now dad to Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt. So what will their names be when Angelina gets bored and feasts on the entrails of her new mate, leaving her papooses fatherless? Dunno, but speaking of retarded/cumbersome baby names, the unfortunately-monikered Peaches Geldof (spawn of Sir Bob) has made a public plea to end the tragedy of stupid celebrity baby names:

"I hate ridiculous names, my weird name has haunted me all my life. I hate being famous; people claim to know me because of my surname."

We never thought we'd be begging the world to listen to someone named "Peaches", but there you go.

Furthermore, today we've seen several utterly unsubstantiated reports that Angelina may be with twins. Sounds like bullshit! And by "bullshit" we mean "totally and utterly plausible and teeming with sense". Sez a source:

"Angelina is overjoyed. Getting pregnant with one of Brad's children would have been God's precious gift to her. Now we believe she is carrying twins. Angie is in seventh heaven."

Another "believable" "source" said:

"I understand that she's undergone fertility treatments to help her conceive and it certainly seems to have worked."

We understand wanting to inject a bit more zazz into the now-stale "America's Sexiest Fetus" story, but come on. Angelina doing fertility treatments? We're talking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, people, please. They should be undergoing anti-virility treatments. We've actually gotten pregnant twice just by watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Angelina's definitely not pregnant at MrSkin.com.

And neither is Brad at MaleStars.com.

CelebNewsWire» Peaches Geldof Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Jennifer Lost Hertits

Brad Official Dad to Mad. (And Zahara, But That Didn't Rhyme.)