CelebNewsWire» Paul Walker Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: "Yes, I Have Fucked George Clooney"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:30:36 +0000

ï Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

ï We can see right through Mischa Barton.

ï And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

ï Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

ï Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

ï Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

ï Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

ï Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

ï Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

ï The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.

If They're Not Trying to Take Your Picture, Are You Avoiding Them or Are They Avoiding You?

Agent E. — Tue, 21 Feb 2006 17:30:00 +0000

Listen up, celebrities. Paul Walker is sick and tired of you always bitching about being followed by the paparazzi. He for one finds it simple to avoid having his photograph taken. All he has to do is possess fewer acting skills than Jean-Claude Van Damme and star in really crappy movies that only thirteen-year-olds watch. See, easy.

If it weren't for the magic of the internets (or the wisdom of Roger Ebert) we wouldn't even know that a movie called Eight Below existed, let alone that it's the number one film in the country. That is because we are old enough to buy beer and drive cars and we don't spend upwards of four hours a day locked in the bathroom with a copy of our mom's Victoria's Secret catalog. OK, we lied about that last one. But still, we are not thirteen. And since the paparazzi are also not thirteen, Paul Walker finds it effortless to escape their prying lenses. He told Complex magazine:

"All these people who complain and bitch about it… move. Get the fuck out! You don't like the press, why the hell are you shopping on Rodeo Drive? Come on, it's easy to disappear if you want to."

Walker finds it just as easy to disappear in films as it is in real life. All he has to do is hide his monumentally poor acting chops behind the even less skilled, like Vin Diesel or a pack of Huskies.

Paul is fast and furious at MaleStars.com.

Jessica Alba, the Stuff of Dreams and Loathing

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 17:59:11 +0000

As we told you a few days ago, Jessica Alba topped a poll to be crowned the #1 girl with whom men would like to have a relationship. Jessica Alba as your best girl? Keen! Jessica in a Ship n’ Shore blouse, on your arm at the big homecoming dance, holding hands at the flickers, sharing a raspberry lime rickey at the soda shoppe . . . However, one of her former costars classifies her under a different heading: #1 grudgefuck.

Jessica’s Into the Blue costar, Paul Walker, sat down with Complex magazine (who?) and offered this, uh, complex statement:

“Come on, dude, you know what I’m looking at. I couldn’t take my eyes off that ass. I’m sorry. She’s beautiful. And she’s such a pain in my ass, too. But that’s what I love about her. She’s the kind of girl you just want to have angry sex with for the rest of your life because it’s just that good.”

A real head-scratcher, this one. Her ass is so beautiful that it causes pain in Paul’s ass that in turn ignites a deep, seething animosity to roil inside his loins, so powerful that he has no choice but to take Jessica, flip her over, and pound her venomously, over and over and over, forever and always, until the end of time?
One thing we do understand, though. Yes, dude, we know what you’re looking at.

Yes, Jessica Alba’s Nude Review (and bare crack) are available at MrSkin.com.