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Tom Cruise Totally Rages at Scientology Party

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:39:47 +0000

Sing the 1980s commercial jingle for the Pizza Party board game and everyone around you will sing along. Go on. Try it. Nothing puts us in the mood of festive revelry quite like that jaunty little ditty, but if we applied it to a Scientology party, we’d have to change the lyrics to “Party! Creepy party!” or something. Last Friday, the minions of L. Ron got together and fucking ripped shit up like a bunch of rock stars. Cocaine binges! Hookers! Hired midgets playing Russian roulette! OK, no, but there was barley water and a pep talk. US Weekly reports:

Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and daughter Suri reunited with John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston — plus over 4000 other Scientologists — at a massive party.

The stars were surprise guests at the 25th anniversary of the International Association of Scientologists held at Saint Hill Manor in East Grinsted, West Sussex. During nearly two hours of speeches, Cruise, 47, briefly addressed the rapturous, fist-pumping crowd: “Because we never took our eyes off the ultimate prize, we stand where we are today,” he intoned, witnesses tells Us. “We are in this together!”

When a choir took to the stage, the Cruise-Holmes family stood up with the rest of the audience. “Tom was swaying and looked like he was in heaven,” an attendee tells Us. “He was really, really into it. Katie was next to him doing her best to look as enthusiastic. She was clapping along with the song, but was totally out of sync.”

Later, during a reception, Cruise was overheard chatting with another American man about the protesters outside the venue. “They’re squirrels,” Cruise said angrily, according to a witness. “Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!”

We salute you, Scientologists, for never taking your eyes off that ultimate prize. Which is traveling on a spaceship to a mountain full of evil souls or giving all your residuals to David Miscavige or wearing an eyepatch in the Nazi movie. But hey, what do we know? Ow! I just got my adorably fluffy tail stuck in this electronic incident!

Lordy Lordy! J. Lo's 40!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 17:28:08 +0000

Jennifer Lopez turned forty years young this weekend. And if you're wondering if becoming a middle aged woman, coupled with now being the married mother of two, has mellowed the infamously insufferable harridan, here's your answer, via the NY Daily News:

Jennifer Lopez was overcome with a variety of emotions at her surprise 40th birthday bash Saturday night – and not all of those feelings were good . . . Lopez stayed true to her diva status and ìthrew a fitî when some of her guests were late.

ìThere were a noticeable amount of empty seats when the dinner started. Jennifer was really irritated. She was fuming because people were late, and complained about it really loudly to Marc,î said one partygoer, who added, ìJennifer was visibly upset and embarrassed."

If your loved one plans out an entire surprise celebration in your honor, we're pretty sure you're not allowed to grouse about it. Then again, this is J. Lo. When they say "Marc Anthony threw her a surprise party", what that really means is "Jennifer Lopez called all her friends and put on a fake deep voice saying, 'helllooooo! This is Marc Anthony! Spouse of the very beautiful and extremely talented Jennifer Lynn Lopez who was robbed of an Oscar because Hollywood consistently overlooks her incredible skillll! I am planning a surprise party for my amazing wife and you are required to come! Just a casual get-together–be sure to wear off-white and bring a present costing no less than $350 wrapped in silver paper and make sure it's not recycled because it chafes my skin! I mean, my wife's skin. Uhhh. Tell me baby girl 'cause I need to know. Ok bye."

LiLo Bday Bash 2k9

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:00:26 +0000

Let's take a break from Michael mania for a bit to wish a very happy 23rd birthday to the world's foremost famous freckled firecrotch Lindsay Lohan! Her birthday is July 2, but she celebrated this weekend with a pool party in Las Vegas, sponsored by her own brand of canned tan. Yikes, that's like Cover Girl throwing a bat mitzvah for Drew Barrymore or that brand of yogurt that makes you go poop sponsoring Jamie Lee Curtis's party. But the main point is Lindsay's get-up. There is something oddly familiar about it. White denim cutoffs. Bilevel half shirt. Belly button ring. Terra cotta faux tan. Blue contact lenses. Fringed boots with fluorescent toenails. She looks exactly like the girl I met who was running the Tilt-a-Whirl at the Hodgkins County Fair in 1987. Oh, Misty Jo, where are you? You stole my heart. And my Stryper wallet. I want that back!

Justin Timberlake, Tequila Pusher

Agent E. — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:05:34 +0000

If you were Jessica Biel's boyfriend, you'd probably cower at her every movement, quake at the thought of her ability to take that sweet, sweet ass away from you, and you'd never ever challenge a single word she said. But since Justin Timberlake is her boyfriend, and he has tasted the sweet nectar of half of Hollywood's beautiful ladies, he isn't afraid to put his foot down and say, "Time to get drunk, woman. You will drink that tequila whether you want to or not." Says the New York Daily News:

Justin Timberlake loves Jessica Biel because sheís a good sport.

The couple attended two birthday parties at the Thompson Hotel in L.A. on Saturday night, and even though Biel wanted to stop drinking, she sucked it up ó literally. Says a partygoer, ìEveryone was doing shots of tequila, but Jess said she didnít want to drink anymore. Justin good-naturedly insisted, so she pulled her hair back and drank up!î

"Drink it! Drink it like a man. That's right, take it. Take it all. Suck it all in. Atta girl." Ooops, sorry. That was a passage we were working on for our side project, blowjob erotica. But it works here too.

Evan Rachel Wood Draws the Line at Answering Questions

Agent E. — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:03:56 +0000

Some days we come to work and whine, "I don't wanna write about Jennifer Aniston. She's booooooring!" But you know what? We suck it up and do it anyway. You want to know why? Because it's our fucking job. So we don't feel much sympathy for actors who complain about promoting their movies. That's how it works. You make a movie, you go talk to people about it so that people like us will pay to see it. That's how you earn your ridiculously inflated paycheck. Someone please explain this to Evan Rachel Wood. The NY Post says:

EVAN Rachel Wood plays a bubbly blonde in Woody Allen's bumbling "Whatever Works," which kicked off the Tribeca Film Festival on Wednesday — but she was neither bubbly nor a blonde at the after-party. The actress, sporting a red dye job, agreed to pose for photos, but stormed out with her hands over her face almost immediately after being asked a simple question by a reporter. Her publicist later explained that she was feeling "overcrowded." Allen didn't stay long either, with his rep also chalking up his early exit to his "feeling claustrophobic." "Seinfeld" co-creator Larry David, the film's star, gamely stuck around all evening, telling Page Six, "Let's hope more people end up seeing this than 'Sour Grapes,' " the feature he penned in 1998 that made only $120,000.

Now that's the kind of attitude we like. Larry David could probably eat platefuls of $100 bills for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next fifty years and still never come close to running out of money, and he says, "Hey guys, sorry my other movie sucked. Come see this one!" While Evan Rachel Wood is sobbing in the corner, muttering, "I'm a tortured artist, I'm a wilting flower, no one understands me, leave me alone!"

Sam Ronson: Cheater, Cheater, Poonkin Eater

Agent E. — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:28:53 +0000

Twitter is good for a lot of things. Learning to restrain your wordiness. Pretending you are friends with people you have never spoken to, like Solange Knowles (who did not bleach her baby). Gems like this from Snoop Dogg: inside peanut butter outside jello..hellllooowww ….twizzles hooow u doiiin?? (actual tweet). But really, its best use is following the minutia of whiny celebs who think they know how to enable privacy settings (but forget to tell their girlfriends to do the same). This is how we found out that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson were in another fight. And Sam might be cheating on Lindsay and doing drugs. Scandal! A sampling of Lindsay's weekend tweets (directed at Sam, then Lily Allen):

@jackdaniels9 I was right all along. Cheat
about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry

@jackdaniels9 being cheated on does wonders to you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels PLEASE leave me ALONE. and stop staying in the room below me, youíve woken me and my mother up. go to bed. keep cheating u win
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels9 look, im doing this publicly because u&ur friends call people mag..so-you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels9 please go away. & go to bed. u work hard, & u need some rest. those around u are clearly negative influences. miss u.be wellxx
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@jackdaniels9 ask ur sister 2 stop yelling profanity plz;;stop doing drugs. and tell charlotte to do more-she could loose a stone or 10.
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@lilyroseallen OMG WOMAN! CAWLLLL MEEEEEEEE im meeting you in san fran babydoll
about 2 hours ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@lilyroseallen oy dafty fella ring me on my cellular woman. d message me for the new digiez
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@jackdaniels9 oh- itís like this? fine. Byebye
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

But that's not all! Before the Tweet mania, Lindsay was denied entry to a Ronson family party on Friday night, where she was restrained by five security guards. Five presumably large men. Against Lindsay. Who probably weighs about 101 pounds, and a couple of those pounds are the vodka bottle hidden in her pant leg. Then on Saturday, Sam had the locks on their house changed. We have never seen anything like this before. The unabashed fame whore drops her famous girlfriend? Who's she cheating with who could top Lindsay? Octomom?

Dumb & Dumbererer: When Jim Carrey Met 50 Cent

Agent E. — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 18:01:22 +0000

Jim Carrey may pull in millions more per picture than Joaquin Phoenix, but he definitely doesn't share his fellow actor's sense of hip hop adventure. When 50 Cent pulled Jim up on stage during a Sundance party over the weekend, he didn't even bust out an "It is my birthday, I am going to party like it is my birthday, I am going to drink Bacardi brand rum beverage like it is my birthday, and I do not give a fudge that it is not my birthday." Reports the New York Daily News:

Jim Carrey celebrated his 47th birthday with a special present: a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be part of 50 Centís G-Unit entourage.

The comic, along with girlfriend Jenny McCarthy, turned up at vitaminwaterís Sundance house in Park City, Utah, on Saturday to catch the rapperís midnight performance ó and made a beeline to where 50 was performing in the balcony.

ìJim and Jenny were dancing and really getting into the music, so 50 decided to bring him out to the balcony for a special rendition of ëItís Your Birthdayí,î says our spy.

ìWhen Fiddy told the crowd, ëI have a very special guest for youí, everyone was floored because he had just done a duet with Robin Thicke. They thought the surprises were over. Then 50 started singing and Jim appeared, and the crowd just lost it.î

Although Carrey didnít get on the mic, he did lip-synch while busting some í50s-inspired moves. ìJim was bumping and grinding with Lloyd Banks,î our witness reveals, adding, ìIt was pandemonium in the best way.î

Carrey, in town to promote his new flick ìI Love You Phillip Morris,î then retreated to a corner to catch up with Chris Rock. After some friendly banter, Chris took his turn onstage with 50ís crew. Says our spy: ì50 literally stopped in the middle of a song and brought Chris out to hang and dance while he finished his set.î

We love that through a minor typo the writer made Jim seem even more white and out of place than he obviously was. Instead of "50-inspired moves" as in 50 Cent, Jim is described as engaging in "'50s-inspired moves," making us imagine Jim doing the mashed potato and hand jiving to "P.I.M.P"

"Hey, Brad Pitt, Why You So Ugly?" Asks Drunk Lady

Agent E. — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 17:57:23 +0000

Reviewers everywhere have doted on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, about the moving love story, the accomplished acting, the outstanding makeup achievements. But no one has the guts to tell it like it is. Sure, it might be a moving tale that examines the nature of youth, but why doesn't Brad Pitt look pretty in it? Didn't the filmmakers know that that's what he does? You're not going to put a hamburger in a movie just to sit there; it's going to get eaten. So if Brad Pitt's in your movie, make him pretty. Luckily one drunk lady had the balls to lay it on the line. This Is London says:

It's probably not the kind of thing he's used to hearing, so it's little wonder Brad Pitt was left dumbstruck when a drunken guest at a party laid into him ó for being ugly.

The Hollywood hunk, who has umpteen best looking man in the world titles to his name, was at HBO's party after the Golden Globes when he was confronted by the cheeky woman.

Our spy at the Beverly Hills Hilton said: ìBrad was enjoying a cocktail and chatting with friends at party when this woman, who was clearly drunk, approached him. She went on and on about how the aging make-up in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button made him look ugly as a dog'.î

In the movie, Brad plays a man who ages backwards, and spends much of the film with prosthetics on his face to make him look older.

Our mole continued: ìBrad listened politely and explained that the make-up was essential to telling the story properly. The woman finally piped down for a moment, then looked closely at Brad's face.

ìShe then said, And you should definitely shave that goatee because it looks just horrible', before marching off. Brad's buddies cracked up laughing.î

Oh, that Angelina. She really can't hold her liquor, can she?

Amy Winehouse Too Ugly To Attend Her Own Birthday Party

Agent E. — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:58:08 +0000

A couple of weeks ago we stumbled upon this picture of Amy Winehouse. We were so confused that we dug out our trusty protractor and tightened our monocle for a closer look. Could it be? Does Wino look cute? Normal? No, no, no, that couldn't be. Alas, the moment was fleeting and the next day she was back to her cracky, impetigo-crusted self. And apparently her visage has gotten so bad recently that she even skipped her own birthday party, claiming she was too ugly to leave the house. Poor Wino. Reports The Sun:

AMY WINEHOUSE refused to go to her own birthday party after realising how drugs have ravaged her looks and ranting: ìI look ìf***ing ugly.î

The Grammy award-winning singer had a furious row with best pal REMI NICOLE as she desperately tried to convince her to attend her own 25th bash.

Celebs including ADELE, MARK RONSON and Amyís mother JANIS waited for her in central Londonís Jazz After Dark club on Saturday ó but the junkie, who is still battling huge drug addictions, refused to leave home.

Three cabs were called to the starís house in Camden, North London.

Two were sent away before Remi gave up and took the third home after three hours trying to get Amy out.

Her 15 guests were then left to eat her guitar-shaped cake without ever seeing her.
A pal said: ìAmy was standing in front of the mirror telling everyone how rough she looked.

ìUnfortunately her lifestyle has had a major affect on her appearance and itís only just started to sink in.

ìShe kept saying she was ugly and was in an awful state. They couldnít get her out.

ìRemi had organised the night and made a huge effort. They had a huge row.

ìAmy can be very selfish ó there was no convincing her and she ruined the night for everyone, including herself.î

Even Amyís pal BLAKE WOOD ó who she was rumoured to have had a fling with ó arrived with arms full of presents, only to be told the troubled singer wasnít coming.

But it was Amy's mum Janis ó walking with the aid of a walking stick ó who took the singer's no show the hardest, breaking down in tears when she realised her troubled daughter wouldn't be turning up.

Enh, we don't buy it. Amy probably just discovered this pic of Blake Fielder-Civil on the interwebs and had to stay locked in her room for some "private time."

Nicole and Lionel: Those Rowdy Richies

Agent E. — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 17:40:35 +0000

When you think of father-daughter duo Lionel and Nicole Richie, surely a few words spring to mind. Loud. Rambunctious. Troublemakers. Pugilistic. This weekend saw Richies pere et fille getting denied their right to party. First up, in the Hamptons, Lionel is like Guns n' Roses circa 1988, according to The San Francisco Chronicle:

Lionel Richie has been banned from performing in New York's Hamptons after locals protested about the noise.

Party promoter Scott Feldman planned to charge guests $1,250 each to watch Richie sing in the backyard of his rented home in the Long Island town of Sag tonight, reports the New York Post's gossip column Page Six.

But the newspaper claims requests for a permit were turned down after wealthy residents of the town — where rocker Billy Joel also has a home — stepped in.

$1,250 for a bit of "Dancing on the Ceiling"? Don't people in the Hamptons have better things to spend their oodles and oodles of money on? Like internet porn?

And baby girl Richie takes Daddy's lead one step further and causes a ruckus at a Las Vegas club. Apparently catfights burn more calories than a couple of hours on the elliptical. TMZ reports:

Looks like baby Harlow hasn't settled Nicole Richie's wild side yet.

We're told Nicole was involved in an altercation around 1 AM this morning with a female while in line at the valet outside the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Sources say Richie was so rowdy she had to be escorted off the property by security!

What could cause Nicole Richie to go all mini ape on another girl? Did her sparring partner suggest that she thought that Paris Hilton was prettier than Nicole? Because that would set anybody off, not just Nicole. Anybody like Chyna. Or Rupaul. Or Spencer Pratt.

Nicole Richie shows it off at MrSkin.com.