CelebNewsWire» Ozzy Osbourne Archives – CelebNewsWire

Call Her Mrs. Trousersnake

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 02 May 2005 16:36:14 +0000

OK, let's get this out of the way: Never trust Ozzy Osbourne. If you tell him something important, like perhaps the details of your super-secret wedding, he will mumble something about it in between bites of his burrito and swearing about dog poop on the floor when in the presence of a member of the press.

Ozzy has never been the most predictable or reliable person, but in his current marble-mouthed state he should really just be kept out of the loop when it comes to secret information. Just tell your news to Sharon and tell her shut her big old yap and not let Ozzy ask any questions. These are the rules Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake should have learned before they started doling out invites to their upcoming nuptials in France. When asked why he and Sharon would not attend daughter Kelly's London concert this weekend, Ozzy admitted they would be in Nice for Cammy and JT's wedding. The wedding has apparently been in the planning stages for months and will now most likely be called off due to the slip up. Of course, this all could be a smoke screen. Perhaps Cammy knew that a slip of the tongue by Ozzy would attract media attention to France and she could then marry her boy toy in peace in Zimbabwe (or some other country with a name that makes us giggle). Good job, Cameron. We knew that brain of yours was good for something more than paparazzi attack plans.

See the bride before the wedding: Cameron Diaz-Timberlake nekkid at MrSkin.com.

Ozzy Honks Kelly

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 03 Mar 2005 17:27:04 +0000

We've all known that Ozzy Osbourne is totally nuts for some time now. And we're not talking about the whole biting-the-head-off-a-dove thing or peeing on the Alamo. That can all be blamed on the drugs. But in his sober, old-man, burrito-eating, incoherently mumbling state his behavior is more baffling than ever. His brain seems even to have confused his daughter Kelly with his wife, resulting in true ickyness.

While being photographed at a publicity shoot in Australia, The Prince of Darkness reportedly grabbed Kelly's left breast. We have yet to see the photographic proof, but when it's available it's liable to result in widespread voluntary blindness. Surely there will be analysis of how much cupping and squeezing occurred, whether the looks on the faces of either Ozzy or Kelly show any sort of pleasure, or whether Kelly looked at all shocked by the event. We're guessing the shock will be non-existent and that this sort of thing has happened before. Perhaps Kelly looks a bit too much like the young Sharon and Ozzy has simply forgotten that it is not 1985. Whatever his excuse, we sure wish he would stop creeping us out. Hearing about his sex life on The Osbournes was enough to make us swear off the dirty deed for months.

Ozzy Slipping Ever Further into Dementia

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 24 Nov 2004 18:25:53 +0000

Ozzy Osbourne, God love him, gives more details about his recent brush with crime-fighting: "I had [the burglar] in a headlock, the rest of his body was dangling out of the window. He was choking . . . I thought, 'I could snap your neck like a straw, snap it and let you fall and say it was an accident.'" Ozzy went on to say, "Did I say I had ONE in a headlock? I meant six. And they were ninjas. Half-man, half-cobra ninjas."

The doddering Black Sabbath songbird and his wife Sharon were being robbed when Ozzy allegedly whipped on his superhero tights and went in for the attack. He opted not to kill the intruder, saying, "But then I just let him drop, I couldn't kill him, I couldn't live with that on my conscience. There is so much love in these things, and these people have taken our love away as if it is worthless." Whazza?

Osbournes Burgled

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 23 Nov 2004 16:52:03 +0000

Thieves recently stole away with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry taken from Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's Buckinghamshire home while they slept. Word on the street is that Ozzy caught one of the burglars in a headlock before the intruder dived out of a 30 ft. high window, which we find a little hard to believe, seeing how Ozzy can't even put on his pants by himself.

Among the items stolen were Sharon's wedding rings that she received from Ozzy when the couple renewed their vows two years ago. The couple are offering a £100,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the burglars.

Another source states that it was a vigilant neighbor, not Ozzy, who attempted to attack the robber, but we're still chucking over the idea of a drooling, incontinent Prince of Darkness putting a professional burglar in a half-nelson. "I acted on impulse," Ozzy explains. "In hindsight, it could have been much worse. It could've been really ugly." Yes, the thieves could have been attacking by an army of tiny, crapping dogs.

God Hears Pleas of Millions, Ends Osbournes

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 19 Nov 2004 17:00:14 +0000

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have finally realized that every drop of hype has been milked, squeezed, or otherwise cajoled out of their reality show, The Osbournes, and are calling it a day.

The Black Sabbath singer told BBC News Online that he had reached the end of his rope regarding the amount of work involved in making the MTV series. "Work" meaning "hanging around at home living life as usual while being filmed."

But weep not, fans of the show. Reality shows are like the mythical hydra–cut off the head of one, and other appears in its place. Personally, I'm pulling for At Home with John Tesh and Connie Sellecca.