CelebNewsWire» Orlando Bloom Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Lisa, Kelly, or Jessie?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:38:06 +0000

ï Mr. Skin takes to the streets of Chicago to find out which Saved by the Bell babe is the most wanted in the Windy City. (Mr. Skin)

ï Samantha Ronson blows a load all over Lindsay Lohan. Load, kiss, same thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï If Tom Cruise had a comic book. (Holy Taco)

ï Model Miranda Kerr dumps Orlando Bloom for Brandon "Firecrotch!" Davis. Trading a eunuch elf for Fat Elvis? That's kind of a lateral move. (Yeeeah!)

ï Sarah Jessica Parker gets her chin goober removed; now will only be mistaken for Lemmy Kilmeister 50% of the time. (Cityrag)

ï Don't tase me, (Josh) bro(lin)! (The Blemish)

ï Katy Perry wants to kiss a girl. A girl named Miley Cyrus. And we liked it. (Hollywire)

ï Kristin Chenoweth is charming, funny, and has colossal gazongas. (Fatback)

ï Vanessa Hudgens straddles Zac Efron on the beach. She's thinking sex, he's thinking "stop smudging my bronzer." (F-listed)

ï Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)

ï Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)

ï Emmy nominations released; Katherine Heigl's wish comes true when she gets zilch. (Bitten and Bound)

Miranda Kerr Topless. Orlando Bloom Bottomless.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:55:39 +0000

We at CelebNewsWire have made no bones (that's a clever play on words, just wait and see) about the fact that we don't believe Orlando Bloom has genitals. Like a wood sprite or that gnome that scared the Argentinians, he has no need for carnal pleasures when he can make merry in a meadow or drink morning dew out of a lily of the valley. Today we come one step closer to realizing our hypothesis, as Orlando and his girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, are snapped sunbathing half naked on a balcony. Our suspicions about his groin area still aren't confirmed, but the oddly smooth, plasticine buttocks certainly help. Though the absence of pan pipes and curled-toe shoes is troubling. After the cut, see Orlando's ass . . . oh, and Miranda Kerr's boobs. If you're into topless lingerie models or something.

Orlando's A-Bloom with Stink

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:37:11 +0000

We are but one blog, and there are things we can never know. For example, we can easily find out how much Jennifer Aniston is spending on her third home in New York City, but we will never know the artful caress of Zac Efron's shimmering bronze paw or the feel of Clay Aiken's urgent, damp whisper close to our trembling ear. However, thanks to the internet, we now know exactly what Orlando Bloom smells like: scrotum rot. He is currently dating Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, and, according to a source who tells Star:

"Miranda thinks Orlando is too smelly. Recently, she asked him if he could wash his clothes and perhaps shower more often. He'll wear the same jeans for a week before he throws them in the washer. Same goes for his sweaters, T-shirts and socks."

We find it hard to believe that he smells like nut sweat and B.O., seeing how Orlando Bloom is a manchild eunuch faerie who most likely spends his offscreen time playing the pan pipes and making merry in a glen. At worse, he might carry a vague odor of milkweed pods on his fingers, or a lingering whiff of semi-spoiled mead and figs after a particularly decadent Bacchanalia.

Orlando Bloom Takes a Stroll Down Penny Lane

Agent E. — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 17:50:54 +0000

And now for this week's installment of two random pretty people possibly porking, via The San Francisco Chronicle:

Hollywood stars Kate Hudson and Orlando Bloom have sparked rumors of a new romance after they were caught kissing at a Halloween party.

The pair got together at a bash Hudson threw at her home in Pacific Palisades, Calif., on October 27, and the actress didn't care who saw them — including her recent ex, actor Dax Shepherd.

An insider tells OK! magazine, "Kate and Orlando were talking, drinking and laughing. Then they just started going at it. They made out for ages and looked like they were really enjoying themselves. They didn't care who was watching.

"After that first make-out session, they walked around and talked to everyone as a couple. They were inseparable for the rest of the night."

Another onlooker adds, "At one point, Kate and Orlando were kissing in front of Dax. But he didn't seem to care at all."

Hudson's divorce from The Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson was finalized just two days before her kissing marathon with Bloom, on October 25.

Other guests at the party included another rumored hot new Hollywood couple, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon.

Can someone please explain to us how it is that Orlando Bloom keeps on landing super hot blondes? For all intents and purposes, he's a woman. A woman with a terrible mustache. Is the biggest secret in Hollywood that most hot actresses have a passion for Lord of the Rings? Can they just not control their desires when faced with Legolas in the flesh? If Sean Astin weren't married would he be dating Scarlett Johansson?

"Orrrrrly! Get Out of the Cahhhhhh!"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 17:40:43 +0000

Fender benders and car-bound semi-fisticuffs aren't just confined to Britney, Paris, and other Hollywood ladies, they can also strike such masculine hunkasauri as Orlando Bloom. The curiously smooth Brit (not this one) got into a little crash outside of an L.A. nightspot last night, but what was really entertaining is the fight that went down minutes before, which was conveniently caught with grace and ease by the paparazzi. We don't know why the other guy in the car looks so distressed. It's Orlando Bloom. All he has to do is give him a gentle, limpwristed slap on the shoulder and he'll fall down in agony. Or say "Boo! I am a bad scary monster! I'm gonna gitchoo! I'm gonna gitchoo!" while tickling him. Or take away his Kerastase Bain Satin Extra-Moisturizing conditioner and watch him wither away, clutching his bronze curls and moaning.

Jenlando? Bloomiston? Blooming Boring?

Agent E. — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:55:59 +0000

Sure, you might think Angelina Jolie is hotter than a freshly toasted Pop Tart, but when was the last time you saw her in a bikini? A long g.d. time ago, right? And there Jennifer Aniston is, listening to everyone moan about how sad and desperate she is, flaunting her shit all over the place and looking hot. So we ask you, who is the better woman? Who brings more joy to the world? The baby saver or the bikini flaunter? We think the answer is clear. Incidentally the picture below is supposed to depict Jen with elfin Orlando Bloom.

We can't see his mustache or his vagina, so we can't be sure it's him, but he is completely averting his eyes for the scantily clad form of Aniston, so it probably is. Plus, Jen's rep says they were both in Mexico but denies they were getting into each other's swimsuits:

They were both in Mexico along with many others to attend a wedding of a friend who works at the management company where … [they] are represented.

We don't really believe this denial, though, as Orlando seems to be a perfect match for Jen. She sees how well Brad is behaving after Angie crushed his shriveled little balls in her she-woman grip, but Jen doesn't really have that kind of strength and needs to start with an already emasculated partner.

Fulfill all your Aniston bikini needs at Drunken Stepfather.

Or see her ditch the bikini at MrSkin.com.

Keira Knightley Is a Yo Ho Ho . . . in Cartoon Form

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 17:59:47 +0000

The fatcats over at Disney are reportedly hopping mad and aiming to sue over a soon-to-be released comic showing Keira Knightley getting the spit-roast treatment by Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp, trussed up in their Pirates of the Caribbean finery. Please, God, don't let Disney find our Xanga page of erotic Aladdin fan fic.

Metro.co.uk reports:

A hard-core pornography comic has sparked outrage by depicting Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightley having sex with her co-stars Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. According to a report in the Sun, the publication, which is printed in the US by Sinful Comics, will show Keira being seduced by Johnny and Orlando. Disney, the firm behind the Pirates series of movies, is reportedly furious and considering taking the publishers to court.

Another report (which we read this morning but are of course unable to find now that we need it) describes the comic as featuring Keira in a threesome with Johnny-as-Jack Sparrow, Orlando-as-whatshisface, and the Cthulu-like beast from the Pirates sequel. So, pirates, heaving-bosomed females, tentacles, and porking in cartoon form. It's like the collective wet dream of the nation of Japan!

PG-13 caps from the toonporn are at Egotastic!

Sail Keira's naked high seas at MrSkin.com.

This Week in Celebrity Schlongs

Agent E. — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 17:55:16 +0000

How has your penis been occupied in recent days? Have you been hard at work trying to calculate the exact amount of floppage when you run across your living room naked? Or perhaps you've been tiring it out with the Real Doll you bought yourself for Christmas. In an effort to make your crumpet trumpet feel a bit less lonely, we will now check in on the celebrity wiener antics of Josh Hartnett and Orlando Bloom.

First up, a helpful Dlisted reader brings us this tale of a B-list bathroom beej:

I was out last night with my friend in New York City. We went to the Lower East Side for drinks and to hangout. We started at this bar called Max Fish. Two of my girlfriends noticed that Josh Hartnet had arrived and proceeded to talk to him for a bit. He invited them to come meet him and some other friends at a small bar called Mammaís. When we arrived the star struck girls could see Josh over in the corner – but he was surrounded by another group of girls. My friend had to go to the bathroom and there was a small line. The guy in front of her mentioned that there were 2 girls in the bathroom and just then Hartnet walked right in. He was pissed (not knowing it was Josh, but he was mad because he obviously knew this would take a while). After a considerable amount of time – the pissed off guy walked up to the door and yanked it open – only to expose to the bar Josh Hartnet recieving a big sloppy blowjob from one of the two girls who was down on her knees. It was difficult to see what the other girl was doing because he shut the door so quickly. For Confirmation – he was wearing a white t-shirt that said KLAUS on the front and a black knit hat and had an ugly pair of glasses hanging from his shirt.

God, Josh, couldn't you be more discreet? Everybody knows that a crowded bathroom is not the proper place for a clandestine knob polishing. Why didn't you crouch behind the dumpster like a normal person?

And now for Orlando Bloom peeing on rocks:

Apparently 'Lando misses directing his penis toward sharp, pointy protrusions.

Flynet has all the Orlando bodysuit action you can handle.

Tom Takes Away Katie's Right to Party

Agent E. — Fri, 05 Jan 2007 17:45:57 +0000

Poor Katie Holmes. All she ever gets to do is take intensive twelve-hour auditing sessions fueled by nothing but the Victoria Beckham diet, watch OT Level VIII nannies read Dianetics to her child, and once in a while leave the Cruise compound for an afternoon of photo ops, lattes, and shoe shopping. She never gets to go to Hyde with all the other starlets. When is Katie ever gonna get the chance to bear her beav in public? Huh, Tommy, when? Do you want her to be some sort of prudey Hollywood freak, is that what you want?

In Touch reports (via Celebitchy):

Tension was already in the air at Tom and Katieís LA wedding reception on December 9, where a guest saw Katie talked to Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom about the Hollywood hotspot Hyde.

ìKatie was asking what itís like and saying sheíd never been,î the onlooker shares. ìKirsten and Orlando were telling her that a lot of their friends go.î But when Tom walked up and joined the conversation, the tide turned. ìKirsten said they had invited Katie to Hyde, and Tom got a concerned look on his face. He said, ëOh, thatís no place for you or me to go, Kate.íî

When Katie walked off with Tom, 44, ìshe looked really embarrassed,î the witness says. ìIt was like sheíd just gotten into trouble.î

We're sure Katie is used to this sort of admonishment by now. Upon their wedding night when Katie implored, "Master, is it finally time to consummate our relationship with sexual intercourse," Tom replied, "Oh, that's not a proper act for you and me to take part in."

See Katie naked at MrSkin.com before Tom personally–personally–destroys every copy of The Gift.

Cruise into Tom at MaleStars.com.

More Crazy/Than Beautiful

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 17:43:28 +0000

We recently insinutated that Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom might be doing the cucumber rhumba, and now, all signs are pointing to yes as they've gone rather public with their affection as of late. Ordunsto is as curious a coupled specimen as they come. He is fully waxed, razored, peculiarly devoid of visible pores, longhaired, and enjoys the feel of tailored trousers against his eunuch pubis mound. She is slouchy, grubby, usually coated in a thin sheen of oil with a hearty dose of filth under her nails, braless, and smells vaguely of Tanqueray. We're not exactly sure how their lovemaking works, though we'd assume it involves lots of prop jeweled rapiers and, possibly, vampiric bloodsucking.

A source told the Daily Mail that the couple was seen at the Chateau Marmont, engaging in what we pros call "canoodling". Which can involve any manner of kissing, hugging, petting, stroking, diddling, and fiddling. Quoth the source:

"Kirsten and Orlando are definitely more than just good friends now. They were kissing and cuddling in the corner of the lobby bar and didn't seem to care who saw them. They even stayed past closing time because they were enjoying each other's company."

Another source described the reason behind Orlando's attraction to Kirsten:

"It was so much fun for him to be with her because she seemed carefree and not obsessed about fattening foods. Kirsten can also let her hair down a bit and isn't worried about being the most fashionable girl in the room. Orlando likes that she can look a bit dishevelled, he thinks it's sexy. Kate would never go out unless she looked perfectly coiffed and that got a bit tiring."

Yeeeeikes. Now, with men being from Mars and women being from Venus and all, we're not sure how Orlando is going to go about explaining this one away after she reads it. "No, no, baby! It's not like that at all! When I said you were a compulsive Little Debbie eater with matted pit hair and rumpled clothes and tooth moss who often leaves the house pantsless, I meant it in a CUTE way!"

Dunst you wanna check out more Kirsten at MrSkin.com?