CelebNewsWire» Nicole Richie Archives – CelebNewsWire

Godspeed, Nicole Richie

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:53:03 +0000

Nicole Richie was in court earlier this week, trying to get a restraining order against two paparazzi who chased her car. But she’s got bigger problems now. US Weekly reports:

Nicole Richie has checked herself into a Los Angeles hospital.

A rep for the star tells Usmagazine.com, “Nicole has checked into Cedars-Sinai where she is being treated for pneumonia. She is doing well.”

Cripes, it’s a good thing this didn’t happen in 2005, when she weighed 86 pounds. She now has slightly more body mass with which to fight off disease, plus modern medicine has improved in leaps and bounds since then, and now one simple pill can evict the Flubber-like family of crass green blobs that have turned your alveoli into a hostel.

P.S. Holy shit! Stories about Paris and Nicole at the top of the blog! Oh, nostalgia! Now we just have to drag Sisqo out of retirement.

Sparrow Madden Flies Toward Magazine Cover Fame

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:12:20 +0000

In our greed-filled never-ending quest to get more traffic to CelebNewsWire, we’ve been scouring our stats and discovered two things: readers like dames with no clothes on and they like pictures of babies. Which means that our fans are depraved perverts and also Jennifer Aniston. Today, People released the first pictures of the second offspring of Nicole Richie and her possible husband Joel Madden. This is our maiden peek at Sparrow Madden and we have to say we’re pretty disappointed. He doesn’t have a beak and brown wings, OR eyeliner, bell-festooned dreadlocks, and a pirate’s cap. Weak.

If you’re a baby, follow us on Twitter.

NicJoel Make It Official. We Think.

Agent E. — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:27:19 +0000

We’re pretty sure that Nicole Richie and Less-Annoying Madden (a.k.a. Joel) don’t actually qualify as famous people anymore. If either of them currently have anything going on, work wise, we’re completely unaware of it. Maybe they decided to pursue more normal lives and Nicole’s going to nursing school and Joel’s studying up to become an HVAC specialist? Because we’re pretty sure that they don’t want to be famous anymore. Why else would they have a secret wedding when they could sell the event to OK! or get a reality show on E! out of it? But nevertheless, Radar conjectures that they’re hitched:

Rumors have been circulating throughout Hollywood and beyond on Thursday that after two babies Nicole and Joel have walked down the aisle.

One source says that Nicole and Joel, real name Joel Ryan Combs, obtained a marriage license sometime last week and married in a top secret ceremony on Wednesday.

Well, mazel tov to them. Probably. Cause we think they’re married. Though we could be wrong. God, why can’t they just put out a press release like normal celebrities? Have they learned nothing about the proper way to conduct their lives from the Kardashians?

Welcome to the World, Spare Tire Madden

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 19:36:25 +0000

Today is 9/9/9, which, if you turn it upside down, is 666. Diabolical! And lo, the child of Lucifier is born on this most evil day! All hail the bringer of evil! OK, so maybe he isn’t the son of Satan. He’s the son of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. And maybe he’s not a bringer of evil, but he’ll probably bring heavy diapers and bubbly spit-up which is pretty maleficent. The following appeared on Nicole’s offical blog:

In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, (Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden.

He weighs 7lbs 14oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes.

That’s a shame that they couldn’t think of a name that encapsulated fragility and feyness a little more.

Baron Kypher Martavious Madden on His Way

Agent E. — Fri, 29 May 2009 17:43:30 +0000

It was bound to happen. We knew that one day we would look back and think, "Why can't people give their kids nice normal names anymore? What's wrong with classics like Bronx Mowgli?" We just had no idea that day would come before young Wentz hit his first birthday. We had pretty much forgotten that Nicole Richie was pregnant (or alive, for that matter), but she is, and she's thinking up some baby names. She did a fairly decent job with her first tot, Harlow. Unique, but not stupid. It makes us think of Jean Harlow, and she was pretty. It looks like the second spawn o' Madden will be a boy, and Nicole has a couple of monikers waiting in the wings. First in line, according to Star (via Celebitchy), is Baron.

When she heard Donald Trump named his baby that, she told Joel she really likes it. She also like the names Kypher, a mythological creature, and Martavious, which means ëspecial one.'

Stryper and Stradivarius? Yom Kippur and Mata Hari? Man, we hope that kid comes out looking like a Baron.

"Come at Me, Bitch"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:20:11 +0000

Normally, the idea of a fallen star resorting to selling her story to a tabloid would make us chuckle like Grandpa after we pulled his finger, but this is so pathetic that we feel bad. Which was the aim, so cheers, fallen firecrotch Lindsay Lohan, you've earned our sympathy. Well, maybe "sympathy" isn't the word. "Arms-length condolences and a slightly squirmy feeling" covers it though. After confirming her breakup with human hat stand Samantha Ronson, Lindsay ran to US Weekly and sung like a stoolie for a cover story. Some highlights:

In the newest issue of Us Weekly, Lindsay Lohan opens up about her heartbreaking split from Samantha Ronson, the "humiliating" weekend showdown with Ronson's family, and says that friends' fears she is suicidal are unfounded.

"It's absolute hell," Lohan told Us on Monday in a far-ranging interview over several lengthy phone calls and emails where she was agitated, crying and baffled by the turn of events.

Ronson broke it off with her girlfriend of nearly two years last Friday, and hired five security guards to keep Lohan out of an afterparty for her sister Charlotte at the Chateau Marmont. (Lohan was staying directly one floor above the Ronsons with her mom Dina and sister Ali.)

The next day, Ronson changed the locks on the Hollywood Hills home she shared with Lohan. On Monday, Ronson's mom and sister asked police about obtaining a restraining order against Lohan, Beverly Hills Sgt. Nutall confirms to Us.

Lohan says she's "so alone" without Ronson. "Everyone's turned on me," says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea De Matteo said, "Come at me, bitch."

To be fair, Nicole Richie finds Joel Madden attractive enough to accept his unsheathed penis into her cadaverous body, so anyone she deems "uck"-worthy can take that as a compliment. On the other hand, you don't fuck with the Drea under any circumstances. Unless you want to find yourself strapped to the roof of Shooter Jennings's El Camino, an acrylic nail tip embedded in your eyeball.

Nicole Richie: Preggo Again, Naturally.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 18:42:13 +0000

A year or two ago, the happening thing with the Hollywood youths was getting knocked up. Now the hot thing is having IVF and/or begetting multiples. After being one of the trailblazers of the unwed mother trend, Nicole Richie is now jumping on the new fad. She's knocked up again. Her beau, That One Madden Who Didn't F Paris Hilton, wrote on his blog yesterday:

"Better than winning an OSCAR! I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope [you're] all feeling as good as i am right now."

Well duh. Obviously he feels pretty decent. He just busted a nut inside of a lady sans rubber. A busted, rubberless nut bestowed upon them by the heavenly hand of our Lord. Allelujah!

"WANT 2 SCREW L8R?"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 17:32:43 +0000

We're pretty sure your hottest sexual fantasy involves a spider monkey extending one spindly, bony finger to transmit electronic dirty talk with plenty of emoticons, yes? Splendid. Then this is the story for you! According to our own personal gossip cell provider Female First, Nicole Richie is addicted–ADDICTED!–to dirty texting. Addicted! She can't live without it!

Nicole Richie is addicted to sending sexy text messages.

The star – who has a 10-month-old daughter Harlow with partner Joel Madden – can't resist telling Joel all her steamy bedroom fantasies when they are apart.

Nicole's former bodyguard said: "She is a pistol who says exactly what is on her mind. When she is not with Joel, she is constantly sending sexy text messages, telling him what she is wearing and what she wants to do with him when she gets home."

With someone like, say, a Megan Fox or a Jessica Biel, this might have indeed been a very erotic story. But Nicole Richie's sensuous texts are most likely: "Hey baby. I am wearing an oversized caftan and a burp cloth. I can't wait to get home and eat a baby carrot and then throw it up. Luv u."

Nicole Richie Sez: "Hey Guys, Look at My Awesome Cans"

Agent E. — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:15:56 +0000

You know what's good? Sandwiches. And ice cream. And French fries. And cake. All very, very good. And it seems that finally, miraculously, Nicole Richie has discovered these unfaltering truths. Before knocking out a little tyke, she was all, "Celery sticks, yummy!" but now it seems that she's embraced the joys to be found in a well-balanced diet. She's looking all-around healthy and satisfied and sexy, especially in the boobal area. We've long wondered if there's a special top-secret diet known only to Hollywood types that lets you eat wonderful things like carbs and fats while maintaining a svelte frame and only growing a wonderful pair of yammos. Sure, pregnancy helps in the hooter department, but baby weight usually distributes itself in undesirable ways as well. Guess we'll chock it up to a mysterious super food consumed in Hollywood circles. It's probably the acai berry. It's always the acai berry.

Find more sexy Nicole Richie pics and vids at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: Keeping Up with Her Ass-ian

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:19:46 +0000

ï Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)

ï Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)

ï Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)

ï Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)

ï Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)

ï Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)

ï 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)

ï Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)

ï Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)