Kevin Federline, who is battling for custody of their two boys, said: "Britney's behaviour has already put our kids at risk and I can't let things get any worse.

"She's lost all grasp on reality and is dragging the children through hell. Her mood swings are now so wild that I live in fear of getting a call telling me that she has killed herself.

"I can't allow her to have custody because I seriously believe she could harm our sons. I've shared her life and I know she's capable of anything with pills and a few drinks inside her."

Kevin has never spoken publicly about Britney, 25. But he confided his secret worries in emotional conversations with girlfriend Nicole Narain. She told the News of the World how he:

* CAUGHT Britney breast-feeding son Jayden, one, while DRUNK on vodka.
* FEARS her wild and erratic behaviour has "damaged" Jayden and two-year-old Sean.
* WARNED her to stop leaving the kids alone by the pool and driving them in the car without seatbelts.
* REALISED Britney is BISEXUAL after she made a pass at Nicole in a loo.
In a rare and remarkable insight into the troubled star's life, Nicole, 33, revealed it was the breast-feeding incident which finally put paid to the marriage.

K-Fed confided to her: "I'd see her walking around the house guzzling vodka and Coke and looking very tipsy.

"Then a few moments later, I saw her pick up Jayden and start breast-feeding him. That sent me up the wall. I yelled at her, ëIf you really wanna drink then make sure the baby gets bottled milk, not yours.'

"I was terrified she was poisoning my son. But she wouldn't listen. She never would. She treated me like one of her employees who bowed to her every whim.

"She screamed back, ëYou can't talk to me that way!' But I had to stand up for my children as well as myself.

"Two weeks later she filed for divorce. I only found out when I heard it as a news item on the radio. I felt she was just trying to teach me a lesson for telling her off about the breast-feeding incident. But when I called she kicked off another row and screamed, ëYou're nothing without me'. I neverwanted a divorce but now I knew there was no option."

Federline, 29, went on: "During the last few months I'd started picking her up on her parenting skills. She'd leave the kids near the pool unsupervised or drive around without belting them in. She always insisted what she was doing was right. There was no getting through to her. I still love her as she is mother to my two sons but I will never ever get back together with her."

Nicole's gonna have to step up her game if she wants to hold the public's attention this time. Britney drinks too much? Doesn't pay attention to the kids? Loves snatch? This is not news. We know this shit. In her next interview (The Enquirer, we're assuming), Nicole should throw in something about how Britney likes to dress up like Janice from The Muppets, put Sean and JJ in costume as Dr. Teeth and Animal, and pretend they're backstage waiting to open for The Rolling Stones, feeling up groupies (a.k.a. Cabbage Patch Kids) and huffing lines (a.k.a. packets of lemon Kool-Aid). Faux coke snorting by babies would amount to a pretty big scoop.

And speaking of a pretty big scoop, Britney shared some inspiring words on Friday after her custody hearing, words that we're assuming refer to her clam. According to Extra:

When asked by an ìExtraî reporter in the hallway outside a Los Angeles Superior courtroom as to how she was doing, Britney Spears shouted out, ìEat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!" Spears walked back into the courtroom crying.

Great. Now we're going to be thinking about a giant Steve Carell-sized nose trying to snort up the folds of Britney's vagina all day.

Find Brit Brit's bit bits at MrSkin.com.

"A website attempting to distribute an unauthorized tape of Colin Farrell was shut down. Mr. Farrell will take legal action against anyone who tries to distribute this tape."

But Narain's lawyer had quite a different slant on the situation:

"We're extremely upset. This is a black-market release. Nicole is not getting a dime from this. We're outraged – $14.95 is a ridiculous figure."

See, it has nothing to do with not wanting people to see your special private areas; it's all about the price. Joe Scumbag from Butte, Montana, should have to pay at least $29.95 to know what it looks like when pretty people pork. The website's owner, John Taylor, has a bit of a different opinion as to the site's unavailability. In an exclusive interview with Jossip.com, Taylor said,

"We put up a couple of offshore servers, and they were overwhelmed with visitors. Before we lost the servers, our traffic logs showed an immense response far larger than we had anticipated. To date, I have not received any legal representations from any party."

We're really trying to believe this John Taylor guy, although that does sound like a very unoriginal made-up name. If he's telling the truth there's still hope. In the meantime we'll just have to hold ourselves over with some Tom Sizemore schlong. Which isn't nearly as interesting.

Don't wait for the tape. Check out Nicole at MrSkin.com.

And see Colin's legendary member at MaleStars.com.

ï Joss Stone has a bum double in a Gap advert? Why, we're bloody gutted over the news! Pip, pip! Tut, tut! Tally ho!

ï Scotty's remains are going to be beamed up FOR REAL.

ï Journalists dish all: Tom Cruise is creepy, Catherine Zeta-Jones is as dumb as a turd, Andy Garcia is a big fat ugmo, and MORE!

ï Angelina and new baby Zahara enjoy a day out; Maddox deemed "too old", forced to stay home in a closet, eating bread crusts.

ï If you're friends with Gwen Stefani, you may just find your cute outfit being knocked off, churned out by Chinese orphans and mass-marketed.

ï Tom and Katie "can't wait for a baby!" Problem is, they have no idea how you make one.

ï Um, hi, celebrities? Yeah, hi, it's us. Listen, guys, could you be a little more exciting? I mean, we don't want to have to do the CNW Junk Drawer every single day because you give us nothing to write about. The Jude Law nannyfucking was a great start . . . maybe you could all be a little more like Jude? Like, just start grabbing asses, or make out with Erik Estrada at a party, or buy a gun and wave it around. Scream, shout, piss on a wall with abandon! Anything! Please! Love, Your Friends at CelebNewsWire.