CelebNewsWire» music Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Nice Purple Rain Font

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:55:48 +0000

Adam Lambert’s album cover has been revealed and we seriously have no idea why people keep insisting this dude is gay. (Allie Is Wired)
Matthew Broderick flubbed his lines so badly at a recent play that audiences demanded their money back. Bomp bomp ohhhhhh yeeeeahhhh chicka chick ahhhh. (Celebitchy)
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom got tattoos of each other’s initials because that’s what retards do. (Fatback)
There will be no charges filed in the Joe Francis/Brody Jenner/Jayde Nicole bar fight. The judge looked at the evidence and was like, “Yeah, these people are douches, fuck ‘em.” (Yeeeah!)
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner are probably dating, which is like the 2009 version of Victoria Principal and Andy Gibb. Swooon! (The Blemish)
Brittany Murphy mistook the sounds of a humming generator for gunfire and called the cops. I mistook her lips for an inflatable raft, boarded them, and sailed away to Honah Lee. (TMZ)
Dita Von Teese got tit implants after tripping balls on acid ruined hers. (Mr. Skin)
Happy 42nd birthday, Julia Roberts! Our present to you is posting candid shots of you in a bikini. (Egotastic)
Guess that celebrity camel toe! It’s more fun than Cootie! (Cityrag)
Charlize Theron answers to “Ass-Nuts”. Thanks for stealing my future baby name, dick. (E!)
This gif. (Oh No They Didn’t)
Gisele Bundchen’s baby bumpchen suddenly got yuge! (Daily Stab)

Rihanna Dons Barbed Wire; Debuts New Song

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:47:04 +0000

The totally awesome Rihanna has been so busy dressing like a robot doctor from the future that she hasn’t done much musically in a while. However, according to her website, the wait is “ova”. Good to know. She debuted a new song, “Russian Roulette”, this morning, and it opens with a guitar making the most soaring and mournful sound this side of “Magic Man” and “Boys of Summer”, then goes into the line “you can see it through my chest.” Which we suppose refers to all her recent awesome see-through fashions. A for effort, RiRi.

One Lily Allen, Two Nip Slips, One Upskirt

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:58:29 +0000

The other week, Lily Allen posted on her blog that she was leaving the music industry. Then she immediately removed the entry and her rep backpedaled with all the force of Lance Armstrong. Lily’s new pet project is railing against file-sharing. Wahhhh, I don’t understand technology! Waaahhh, 10 people downloaded my album so I can’t buy an extra vial of cocaine on my Carribbean vacation with Kate Moss! Cry us a river, Lars Ulrich. Welcome to 2000. And John McClure, the singer for the band The Reverend and the Makers, recently blasted Lily:

“What upsets me is last week Lily Allen came out and said, ‘We’ve got to campaign against file sharing. We’re going to tell politicians to shut down kids’ internets.’ What a crying shame it is that all you can get angry or upset about is kids taking your music.

“The thing with Lily is, I think when you get your nipples out in a magazine and you’re trying to make serious political comment with the government, you’re putting yourself in a silly position.”

Lily’s response is under the cut.

Lily went out on the town in London this weekend, as she is wont to do, and ended up slipping a nip, as she is also wont to do. And then slipped the other one. Normally we’d all be jazzed that she inadvertently showed both of her yabbos, but Lily has an auxiliary third nipple so we’re only 2/3 of the way to Lily Allen topless. Basically what we’re saying is that she’s a complete prude.

Madonna Kills People

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:29:21 +0000

Madonna is a bad lady. She doesn't let her kids watch TV, she calls ex-husband Guy Richie a "retard", she forces her daughter to endure Bert brows. Oh, and she killed two dudes. Inadvertently. TMZ reported yesterday:

The stage for Madonna's concert in Marseille, France collapsed today, killing one person and injuring nine. The collapse occurred at the Velodrome stadium where Madonna was going to perform on July 19. We're told the roof of the stage collapsed on top of the workers.

UPDATE: A second man is now being reported as dead.

Well, at least these men died a noble death, like rescue workers pulling orphans out of a fire. Giving your life erecting a vagina-shaped stage so a lady can simulate masturbation while singing songs from the Dick Tracy movie is a commendable way to go.

OK, So the Britlings are Adorable

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 16:45:51 +0000

We're mean and cruel and sarcastic and our hearts are made out of dirty tar that hardened around the glass from a broken Mad Dog 20/20 bottle, but sometimes in this crazy world, something happens to warm our cockles. This morning, that something is this video of Britney Spears's kids, Sean P and Jayden, going apeshit and dancing like goofballs to "Toxic". There is nothing cuter than little kids spazzing out to music, except maybe Sundays when we have a tea party with our collection of Beanie Babies. Oh, Gussy the Goose, no more sugar cubes for you, you little scamp!

UPDATE: Son of a . . . Hey, why the hell does this video keep getting taken down? Is the king of the Internet afraid that the entire planet will dissolve into a pile of goo from the cuteness? Hit us up if you find a working, embeddable link.

UPDATE 2: Found one.

Kara DioGuardi Out-Bikinis Bikini Girl

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 21 May 2009 17:31:49 +0000

If you are a follower of the CelebNewsWire Twitter, you know how we feel about madly gesticulating newbie American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi. We feel that she is a shrieking beast masticated and regurgitated from the bowels of the bowels of the bowels of hell, set upon this earth to cause plague, pestilence, and war. Like the ills of a Pandora's box, she has infected the world with her affected lisp, her catchphrase "package artist", and her bronzer addiction. All this changed for us in one moment during last night's AI finale, when Kara took the stage to go head to head with Katrina Darrell, aka "Bikini Girl", during a singing showdown of Mariah Carey's "Vision of Love". Katrina unsteadily warbled the song while unsteadily wobbling on her high heels, rendered top-heavy by her brand new rubber boobs, while Kara belted it out in a masterful, monsterful manner. And then, during the song's showy last note, Kara ripped open her dress and busted out a bikini body tighter than the hell from whence she sprang. Desperate? Maybe. Awesome? Totally. In a show filled with sparkly pink pyro, Cyndi Lauper, Queen, a group of dudes singing and dancing to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?", and Adam Lambert strutting in full Kiss regalia next to Paul Stanley's hairy chest, it was perhaps the only vaguely heterosexual moment.

If U Seek O.B.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:52:57 +0000

Britney Spears is having a problem with her peebug, y’all! It keeps expelling everything it touches. Millions of Federline babies, the crotches of tour costumes and now, it’s even rejecting tampons like a Coke machine rejects crumpled up bills. On last night’s stop of the Circus tour, Brit’s Tampax string worked its way out of the side of her crotch and waggled in the wind for God and everyone to see. We applaud Britney for taking our advice and not actually putting her menstrual blood on display like a she-wolf at a woman’s retreat. And we’re also happy that the dude who yanked out her hair extension last week was nowhere near her crotch.

Britney, You Lost Something

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:24:04 +0000

A beautiful blonde woman reclines seductively on a chaise lounge. Mysterious fog fills the hair. Thrump, thrump, thrump goes the driving backbeat, as the sexual tension mounts. “Oh-h-hhhhhh,” groans the woman, running her hands down her body, glittering underneath the showy, skimpy body stocking she’s wearing. She stretches her elegant arms above her head, as if reaching out towards a lover, and suddenly, unexpectedly, a muscley, small-statured, S&M clad man dangles from above. He mounts the fair maiden, they lock eyes and arms, and slowly, their entwined limbs are hoisted into midair. But not before a huge-ass chunk of her cheap yellow Fraggle weave gets ripped off and sits there chilling out on the stage. This erotic scene is not just a figment of our romantic imaginations. It actually went down in Oakland, on Britney Spears’s “Circus” tour. It would have been nice if they’d kept with the circus theme and had a gentleman in a top hat with a hoop and whip come and make the tumbleweave jump through flaming rings and balance on a ball.

Britney Spears's Vagina Demands Brand New Backup Dancer Meat

Agent E. — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:25:01 +0000

If you've been thinking that while Britney Spears has been under a conservatorship she's been whiling away the hours in her bedroom reading Disney pop-up books and playing with her My Little Ponies, you're wrong. You've seen her cooter. And bitch is HUNGRY. Brit just has to wait until Daddy's back is turned to feed it a nice juicy penis. According to the New York Daily News:

When her daddyís away, Britney Spears plays … and how.

The pop star found an on-tour playmate in a hunky 21-year-old backup dancer while father Jamie was tending to business in L.A. late this month. According to a well-placed tour source, Britneyís relationship with the hoofer was not that innocent.

ìBritney was a bad girl,î says our insider. ìLiterally as soon as her dad left, she started getting cozy with a dancer named Gio. It wasnít serious. They had a few romantic interludes, and she bought him a few things ó a pair of shoes and some clothes ó even though sheís on an allowance.î

But now that Jamieís back with the ìCircusî tour and casting a watchful eye over his daughter again, Britís romance has cooled. ìBritney was definitely getting jiggy there for a hot minute, but theyíve slowed down since Jamie got back in the picture,î says the insider. ìItís basically over now.î

"Britney was definitely getting jiggy there for a hot minute"? Ah, we get it. The NYDN just got confused. This story is actually about a tour Britney did in 1999. How else to explain such woefully out-of-date slang? Unless the source is actually our mom, which is pretty unlikely, as we think we would have heard if she was touring with Britney Spears.

"Hi, I'm Jessica Sim . . . Uh, What's My Name Again? I Forgot."

Agent E. — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:02:20 +0000

We don't expect much from state-fair performers. Every other song or so, we'd like them to stop and let us know where the closest elephant-ear stand is located, but other than that our expectations are rather low. Now, we're not sure what type of venues Jessica Simpson is playing on her tour with Rascal Flatts (Band or person? We're still not sure), but even if she's playing legit arenas, her career trajectory will eventually land her firmly in the bosom of the state-fair circuit. So we don't really care if she f's up the words to her songs. Says Us Weekly:

Jessica Simpson's days on the road are over.

The singer, 28, played the last show on her "Bob Your Head Tour" (with Rascal Flatts) Saturday in Irvine, Calif.

"I'm just so excited to be here doing this," she told the audience at the the Verizon Wireless Amphitheater. "It's a dream come true. I feel like I've been given a second chance."

Simpson made headlines while on the road for her buzzed-about new curves and her tendency to mess up songs.

At her final show, the singer (who was back in Daisy Dukes) continued to have a few on-stage mishaps.

She flubbed the opening lyrics to "Remember That," a song about being in an abusive relationship.

"Oops! I said whiskey too early! I messed up!" she said before starting the song over. "I'm so embarrassed! But I'm starting over again because I really want you guys to hear the lyrics the right way."

While singing "Still Don't Stop Me", she also mixed up the opening line, blushing and running her fingers through her hair.

"I messed up again! I do this all the time!" she said, laughing.

Hye, song flubs run in the Simpson family. It's no biggie. Or maybe this is Jessica's way of distancing herself from little sis Ashlee's infamous lip synching. If she screws up the words, she must actually be singing, right?