CelebNewsWire» movies Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Nothing Tastes as Good as Visible Vertebrae Feel

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:07:56 +0000

Naked Hayden Panettiere pretends to fellate a gun, then gets a face full of liquid. Just like your mom every Wednesday haaaaaay! (The Blemish)
Miley Cyrus’s tour bus entourage involved in crash. One person (not Miley) was killed. Hey that’s not funny. (PopEater)
But you know what IS funny? 16-year-old Miley dressing up like a hooker for funsies. (Celebitchy)
Oprah is quitting her show. Who cares. She’s probably also leaving Chicago. TRAITOR! (Litely Salted)
Kate Moss says that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. She’s obviously never had an authentic West Virginia pepperoni roll. (Celebrity Milkshake)
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning share a girl-girl kiss in The Runaways. Hello, Daddy. Hello, Mom. (PopCrunch)
Dawson’s getting divorced! James Van Der Beek says to wife Heather McComb, “I don’t want . . . yer wife.” (BuzzHollywood)
More hilarity daily if you follow us on Twitter.

Megan Fox Says Something Dumb; We Report on it ‘Cause We’re Suckers.

Agent E. — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:00:46 +0000

We have a penchant for voluntarily bringing pain upon ourselves, sure. For example, sometimes when we’re bored we do a Google image search for Jocelyn Wildenstein and spend as many long, torturous minutes as we can handle staring into picture after picture of the physical embodiment of man’s capacity for evil. But watching Jennifer’s Body? That’s a sort of self-hate that we could never endure. So we have no idea what the fuck Megan Fox is talking about in this quote:

I hate doing school scenes and office scenes; I hate doing mall scenes … if I could do exciting genre films like (“Jennifer’s Body”) and be covered in blood and vomit for the rest of my life, I would be really happy. The scenes in which I was covered in blood and break through glass were amazing. In one scene, I’m shoving a whole chicken in my mouth — a whole chicken! I love it; it is so different and original.

We don’t really care if Megan is covered in blood and vomit or edible body glitter or kitten diarrhea. But we would greatly appreciate it if she took that chicken (or a similar one, if the original is not available) and stuffed it in her mouth right before every interview. It would be so different and original!

That picture up there has Megan Fox’s teeth. Our Facebook page has Megan Fox’s tongue. Lots of it.

Jessica Alba’s Been a Very Bad Girl

Agent E. — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:35:04 +0000

Last week, when you were doing your routine Google searches (bunnies humping, Dakota Fanning nude, and the like) you came up empty handed when you searched for “Jessica Alba getting spanked.” But knowing that each day offers new possibilities, you entered that same phrase again this week, and guess what? You got pictures and video of Jessica Alba getting spanked. This is what your mom meant when she told you that if you’re just persistent and stick to your goals the universe will deliver whatever you want. This particular manna was delivered via a trailer for the Michael Winterbottom movie The Killer Inside Me. The full trailer is really, really long and mostly shows Casey Affleck proving that he’s way more badass that his prettyboy brother. Casey gets it on with both Alba and Kate Hudson. But whether or not Casey spanks Kate’s naked ass with his belt isn’t revealed. There is sad news, though. We’re pretty sure that’s not actually Jessica Alba’s nude ass. She’s about as prudey as they come, so for all we know that ass belongs to a body double with a prosthetic butt covered in a body stocking and a couple cases of Cover Girl Simply Ageless foundation.

CNW Junk Drawer: Sammy Snow-sa

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:27:50 +0000

Sammy Sosa used to be a Dominican dude, right? Not a Cullen-white green-eyed guy? We didn’t just make that up? (Gabby Babble)
It’s all right cuz she’s saved by the fetus: Tiffani (-Amber) Thiessen is with child. (PopEater)
Lilogate continues: in more tapes, Lindsay Lohan’s charming and selfless parents allege that she was porking Heath Ledger when he died. Riiiiight. (Celebitchy)
Pete Wentz says that he was unable to write music after his son was born. Quick, Ashlee! Have more babies stat! (Angry Ape)
Please, God. Please, please, please. If you exist, you’ll let this be true: A-Rod has hanging in his home a painting of himself as a centaur. (LA Times)
Carrie Prejean has a sex tape. CelebNewsWire doesn’t give a shit. (Bitten and Bound)
Katy Perry has “RUSTY” written on her ass, apparently to broadcast her love of the rusty trombone. (Fatback)
Jennifer Lopez is blocking the release of her sex tape. Blocking it with her big huge giant ass? (Mr. Skin)
Paz de la Huerta is naked in the upcoming Limits of Control. We’re talking full NSFW pissflaps here, people! (Nudography)

Ashton Kutcher Gets Meta

Agent E. — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:37:51 +0000

We’re convinced that the early death of the CW series The Beautiful Life had not so much to do with Mischa Barton’s cuckoo crazy times or terrible scripts or anything; it was the marketing. The show just didn’t have the balls to tout itself as the newest project to come “from the daring mind of Ashton Kutcher” as his other projects have done. The public will buy just about anything the bumbling beauhunk throws their way. Including, apparently, a movie based on his own life. Says The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy):

Cougar Emeritus DEMI MOORE’s squealing like a teenybopper because 16-years-younger hubby ASHTON KUTCHER’s generating buzz that’s got Hollywood fast-tracking his sensational new movie project – a romantic comedy that teams onetime screen queen Demi with real-life ex BRUCE WILLIS, and chronicles the zany adventures of a divorced couple after she marries (you guessed it!) a sexy stud 16 years her junior!

“It’s a PR bonanza with built-in headlines,” Ashton enthused to Bruce, who loves the idea and desperately needs career CPR since his new flick “Surrogates” went on life-support – not to mention a DOA mess titled “Assassination of a High School President,” co-starring MISCHA BARTON, that fast-tracked straight to video!

Writers are pounding out the script as we go to press, and insiders say studio moguls are sniffing that sweet smell of success for the floundering box office mega-stars – especially with certified boy-genius Kutcher aboard. (Folks, I second that emotion!)

We find this premise more than a little creepy. It’s not the whole basing-fiction-on-real-life angle. Nope. It’s that this story gives us the distinct impression that Ashton-Demi-Bruce-Bruce’s-invisible-lady-wife land is filled with many, many orgies. These people are just way too close to not be humping each other in every configuration imaginable.

Paris Hilton Demands Lobsters

Agent E. — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:18:43 +0000

Apparently CelebNewsWire has the power to summon celebrities out of publicity hybernation. If we ask “Where has Scarlett Johansson been lately?” on Tuesday, by Friday she’ll be on the cover of eight magazines and slated for a guest spot on 30 Rock. We’re like a human Ouija board. Recently we summoned the beast that is Paris Hilton. And we’re truly sorry. We didn’t mean to bring her back into the public consciousness. But it would’ve happened anyway, right? She recently got a job (it lasts one whole day!) and celebrated by demanding lobsters from her new employers. That girl knows how to party. Says Page Six:

Paris Hilton has landed her next big movie role — and she’s said to have demanded live lobsters as part of her contract.

Hilton will appear alongside Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson and Eva Mendes in the cop-action comedy “The Other Guys,” now shooting in New York.
A source reports, “Paris has a cameo role in the movie, where she plays herself. It is all being kept very hush-hush.

“But the producers were shocked when her team handed them a three-page list of demands — including live lobsters to be prepared fresh when she’s ready to eat and a bottle of Grey Goose vodka — all for just one day on the set.

“All celebrities are typically offered riders, but it seemed excessive for just one day’s work playing herself. She was due to fly to New York to film in secret last week.”

A three-page rider for one day of work is impressive, but lobsters and vodka? You can buy those at Jewel. She needs to be demanding things like pillowcases woven by Tibetan monks and R. Kelly’s urine. That would remind people that she’s a stahhhhhh.

Booblestar Galactitca

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:58:59 +0000

Amongst the hipster population, chicken coops are the new cupcakes, which were the new bikes, which were the new math. Amongst the amazingly foxy lady population, underboob is the new upskirt which was the new ass crack. Battlestar Galactica superbabes Tricia Helfer and Grace Park are showing off theirs in Maxim this month while pushing the B-star DVD movie Battlestar Galactica: The Plan.

Since the new Battlestar movie is coming to DVD before TV, can we expect some R-rated action?

Tricia Helfer: There will certainly be a lot more explicit action on the DVD. And I refuse to have a body double, so you will see a little bit of skin from me as the Six character. There’s also a new character you’ll see in some very intense sex scenes.

Grace Park: Yeah, there’s going to be a T & A version. Though maybe I should say T, C & A, because it’s not just girls this time…

Jeeminy Christmas. Look at all the underboob! When was the last time you saw crescent moons that looked this hot? Oh yeah, Mac Tonight.

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What’s the Gossip, Girl? Blake Lively’s Nude. Sort of.

Agent E. — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 16:29:25 +0000

Blake Lively nude! Blake Lively nude! Well, sort of. But still, we’re going to head out to the street corner, dressed in our best tweed short pants, our newsy hat jauntily tipped to the side, and yell it for all to hear. Then, quietly, we’ll say, “strategically nude, that is, pressed up against some old guy.” But no one will hear that part. So we’ll make a lot of people happy. And isn’t that all anyone wants out of life, to make people happy? The scene in question occurs in a movie called The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, starring just about everyone. It will be in limited release in the U.S. on November 27th, but a few clips hit the internet today, which you can see at Drunken Stepfather. They show Blake Lively teasingly non-nude nude as well as dressed in some sexy old-timey lingerie while getting spanked by another woman while Julianne Moore takes pictures. We can only assume that in the actual movie, that scene ends up with Blake, Julianne, and the other woman in the hottest lesbian threeway every caught on film. Because, really, how else could it end? With some sort of deep insight about life? What fun is that?

I Hope They Serve Schadenfreude in Hollywood

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:07:18 +0000

Do you know who Tucker Max is? He has a lisp, he thinks “fucking rape sucks, man,” and he is the living embodiment of a “NO FAT CHIX!!!” T-shirt. The movie version of his book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, opened last week at #25, with Max promising, “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell . . . will be bigger than ANYONE (except me) is predicting.” And thus far, it has piled in a whopping $863,000. To put that in perspective, the Sandra Bullock stalker movie upon which Ebert bestowed one and a half stars made more in its 5th weekend than IHTSBIH has done in its entire release. To put that another way, a film about a woman who writes crossword puzzles and trips over things is more interesting to Americans than a film about drunk guys fucking strippers.

Hilarity!

Laffs!

Chortles!

Life Is Hard in RPattzland

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:56:44 +0000

Twilight is hilarious. Teen girls haven’t sweated this much since the advent of Get In Shape Girl! As New Moon, the second abstinent Mormon vampire movie in the series, gears up to hit theaters, the stars are doing more and more interviews for promotion. Robert Pattinson recently sat down with AnOther Man magazine to talk about fame and how much it bites weenies.

DazedDigital previews issue 9 of AnOther Man out on October 1, which features Robert Pattinson on the cover, shot by Hedi Slimane and styled by Nicola Formichetti. Dave Calhoun speak to the 23-year-old Twilight star about the pressures of fame and the craft of acting: “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”

“I don’t want to be an actor for the sake of it. I don’t find any particular pleasure in being an attention-seeker.”

We don’t doubt fame is the hardest thing RPattz have ever done. Then again, he’s 23 and has a jaw like a fucking T-square. The hardest thing he’s done prior to this was trying to decide whether to go for the honey or the amber toned highlights.

P.S. New New Moon posters, for all our fans in 3rd grade.