ï David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

ï Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

ï Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

ï I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

ï Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

ï Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

ï Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

ï Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.