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I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Pirelli: 2010 Naked Lady/Tire Calendar

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:27:28 +0000

Michelin uses a jolly character seemingly constructed of coiled feces, and Goodyear has a big fat blimp. Tire advertising sucks except for Pirelli, whose entire sales model is based on elitism and naked supermodels. Which makes perfect sense, because when we think of rubber spheres bolted to your vehicle, we think of snobbery and the pert breasts of a gangly 20-year-old from a remote town in Brazil. After the cut, we have a sneak peek of the 2010 Pirelli calendar, featuring that dude from Bush’s incredibly hot bastard child Daisy Lowe, and a great shot of Miranda Kerr topless. It’s the most effective use of overalls with one strap down since the Funky Bunch!

Top row, L-R: Daisy Lowe and Catherine McNeil, Georgina Stojiljkovic and a sloth, Marloes Horst

Bottom row, L-R: Miranda Kerr, Rosie Huntington-Whitely

What’s So Super About These Models? Nudity.

Agent E. — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:36:25 +0000

Supermodels. They’re usually not the smartest people in the room. If you were out to lunch with a model, a failing fourth grader, and Britney Spears (Don’t judge; that’s our standing Thursday noon reservation at The Ivy), who would you let calculate the tip? So even though Mr. Skin declared last week Official Nude Victoria’s Secret Model Appreciation Week, some supermodels are getting nude this week. To be fair, one of them is Miranda Kerr, who just couldn’t keep her clothes on last week. And perhaps Naomi Campbell thought the magazine depicting her bare boob being gawked by a goat was slated for release last week. Or maybe this is the new world order. Every day we will wake up to find a new nude picture of a current or former Victoria’s Secret model in some manner of undress. Universal health care sounds nice and all, but this is the kind of revolution we’ve been waiting for. After the cut, see some naked models.

And before you start bitching, yes, we know that Miranda Kerr is wearing pantyhose and is therefore technically not nude, but hey, that sure looks like an ass to us. So suck it, nitpickers.

Victoria’s Secret Models Fight for Accidental-Nudity Domination

Agent E. — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:19:41 +0000

We love supermodels. They’re so pretty. And they’re so good at following orders. When a photographer says, “Take your top off, love,” (because photographers are classy and, therefore, British) it’s very likely that she’s going to do it. Hell, if she’s Kate Moss she probably won’t even wait for the photographer to ask. But even when they keep their clothes on, those clothes usually don’t cover very much. Today we’re bringing you a double shot of accidental Victoria’s Secret model skin. Miranda Kerr over there was so excited to be getting her pretty picture taken on top of a building that her nipple jumped clear out of her top. Then, as if to outdo her fellow lingerie donner, Marisa Miller flashed her whole ass while changing clothes for the new Victoria’s Secret catalog. So who wins? You, obviously. But also Marisa, because ass beats accidental nipple. But hopefully Miranda has a competitive streak and won’t take this loss well. Maybe then she’ll show up for the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show wearing only garter belts. After the cut, Marisa Miller’s ass and Miranda Kerr’s nipple.

CNW Junk Drawer: “He’s So F–ing Rude”

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:13:05 +0000

Kate Moss goes apeshit and throws a hissy fit at the GQ Awards. Because there’s nothing more sassy and sexy than an aging supermodel mom screaming and flinging nicotine-stained yellow spittle while stumbling around. Rawr! (Anything Hollywood)
Ellen Pompeo is busy cooking a baby in her womb. Meanwhile, Ellen Pompeo’s husband is busy porking a waitress. (Socialite’s Life)
Hailey Glassman dumps Jon Gosselin. Because she finally stopped and thought and was like, “WTF, I’m dating Jon Gosselin??? Hahahaha WOW. How the hell did that happen?” (The Superficial)
Kim Cattrall or C.C. DeVille? Kim Cattrall or C.C. DeVille? Kim Cattrall or C.C. DeVille? Kim Cattrall or C.C. DeVille? Kim Cattrall or C.C. DeVille? *brain explodes* (Yeeeah!)
Matt Damon realizes what thousands of celebrities will never know: becoming a big lazy fatass is fun. That’s why we Muggles do it all the time. (Fatback)
Red Sonja better bring in some major box office cash, because Rose McGowan gave up her elbow for the role. Literally. (IDLYITW)
Speaking of useless remakes, Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox are fighting for the role of Barbarella. Oh no, ladies, don’t fight. No, please, stop. Oh, the hair-pulling! The anguished moans! It’s too much to take. (The Blemish)
Top 10 sexiest dames from the new fall TV season. (Mr. Skin)

She Hit Me and It Felt Like a Puss

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 17:43:06 +0000

Hey, Naomi Campbell is doing better. All those anger management classes seem to be working. She’s no longer throwing hand-held communication devices at people’s heads. Now she’s throwing her stubbly chick chasm in people’s faces. You will not bear the imprint of a Blackberry on your forehead, but you may get a wicked case of razor burn. Win some, lose some.

Naomi’s nude upskirt is safely tucked away under the cut.

London Fog Erases Gisele's Baby

Agent E. — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 17:36:40 +0000

You’re probably looking at these photos of Gisele Bundchen near-nude trying to sell rain coats and thinking, “How does she get such a fabulous body? Eating nothing but carrot sticks? Working out eight hours a day?” Nah. It’s Photoshop. WWD says:

London Fog is amping up its image for fall with an ad campaign featuring Gisele B¸ndchen ó but not her baby bump. In the ads, B¸ndchen strikes a seductive pose in nothing but a trenchcoat. The campaign was shot a few weeks ago and the images revealed B¸ndchenís pregnancy, but her visible baby bump has been retouched out of the campaign to ìrespect her privacy.î

We totally get this. Gisele’s hot, whether or not there’s something bigger than a ringworm growing inside her. But naked pregnant ladies only appeal to a small portion of the population. And for those of you who say, “But, CelebNewsWire, she’s selling raincoats. What do raincoats have to do with nudity?” Let us remind you that nudity sold millions of raincoats when you had to go to a theater to see porno. It’s about history, people.

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Holy Kerr-ap, She's Topless

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:49:31 +0000

The picture we just posted of Madonna’s chewy-looking appendages was so unbelievably alluring that we thought we needed to balance it out with something really ugly. After briefly contemplating posting a geoduck and and a dirty diaper, we went with Miranda Kerr nude. Puke, right? Man, what a bowser. Apparently, these shots were taken during a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot at the beach. Don’t ask us how a topless supermodel sells bras. We’ve been wondering for years how naked women sell tires, and yet Pirelli is the fifth largest tire manufacturer in the world. If only Crystal Pepsi had slapped a boob on the front of the can, it would have replaced water as the wet product of choice.

After the cut, nudie shots!

Naked Supermodel Butt to Brighten Your Day

Agent E. — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:00:34 +0000

With celebrities dropping like John Mayer's pants at a sorority mixer, there's one thing we could all use today. And that one thing is video of a ridiculously pretty lady, totally naked but artfully hiding most of her nakedness with an Egyptian cotton sheet, writhing around on a bed while soft, romantic music plays. Doesn't that sound nice? Maybe not as nice as if she lost the sheet, but we'll take it. So enjoy this video of supermodel Bar Refaeli's nude ass. We don't know why she's being filmed naked, but we like it. If this is how Bar celebrates a break-up, then we hope George Clooney swoops in and snatches her up. For about a week.

Famous People Keep Reproducing

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 17:36:12 +0000

Do you subscribe to Modern Bride? Did you preorder your DVD copy of He's Just Not That Into You? Are you completely obsessed with babies and the gestation of them? Then this is a story for you. Hollywood baby boom! Bump alert! Baby joy! Blah blah! Yeah, there's not much to write about today, so here are some celebrities that didn't use rubbers.

First up, Gisele Bundchen. According to People:

Gisele Bundchen is expecting and ìecstatic,î sources tell PEOPLE. She is due early next year. Speculation has grown since pictures showing the supermodel in Brazil this week surfaced showing what seems to be a perceptible bump.

Yeah, we don't know. The above picture was supposedly taken this weekend at a Pantene event and maybe that's a "perceptible bump" in Supermodeltown, but it looks to us like you could chop tomatoes on that stomach.

Someone we can very easily imagine chopping various and sundry vegetables on his gut is Matthew McConaughey, who is expecting baby part 2 with girlfriend Camila Alves for real. He blogged:

"We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother… Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin."

We love that McConaughey has embraced the corny catchphrase of his defining role and made it part of him. Which is more than we can say for Bronson Pinchot, who refused to do the Dance of Joy even after we offered him 2 dollars and half a pack of Chewels.

Nude Supermodels Show Their Nude Superbobbles

Agent E. — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 17:36:25 +0000

Some days we just don't feel like sifting through the immense pile of bullshit on the internet. Paris and Lindsay are jealous of Jon and Kate? (Their thoughts on the plus 8 have not been revealed.) Yeah, we really don't care. Some days it's just easier to look at pretty ladies. Especially when those pretty ladies are also naked. And oddly today's naked-lady-news comes courtesy of hoity toity "legitimate journalism" mag Vanity Fair. It's named after a classic of English literature! Dorothy Parker and T. S. Eliot wrote for it! See, classy! Therefore it is purely in the name of journalism that Vanity Fair put eleven gorgeous topless supermodels on their cover. The cover story is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the Pirelli calendar, which each year brings us semi-clothed women for the sake of selling tires. We don't see the connection, but we're not complaining. After the cut, nude Miranda Kerr and a bunch of other naked supermodels. You're welcome.

We appreciate the nude supermodels and all, but we think the real star here is that photographer. The Rollins Band t-shirt. The T-Bone tattoo. The knife play. What a beaut! But please, can someone tell us what's tattooed above his right tit? Because we're really really hoping it's Hank Williams Jr.