CelebNewsWire» Miranda Kerr Archives – CelebNewsWire

Pretty Ladies in Their Skivvies

Agent E. — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:33:38 +0000

You might wonder why we’re bothering to yammer on about supermodels in their underwear when we’ve got actual naked supermodels to talk about, but you know what? Fuck it. We like the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show and we don’t care who knows it. Heidi Klum’s usually there, and she’s pretty and funny and we like her. We bet if she got some poop smeared on her face while changing one of her bairns, she’d just laugh it off, maybe even take a few pictures, put one on her Christmas card with the caption “I got shit on my kisser.” That just seems like the kind of broad she is. Plus, Vicky’s S always puts together some ridiculous diamond-covered monstrosity that costs somewhere in the neighborhood of Simon Cowell’s weekly salary and looks like it would give a girl lots of unsightly scratches and a heap of back pain.

There are a bunch more VS fashion show pics at Yeeeah!, if you’re so inclined.

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I Don’t Think You’re Ready for This Pirelli: 2010 Naked Lady/Tire Calendar

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:27:28 +0000

Michelin uses a jolly character seemingly constructed of coiled feces, and Goodyear has a big fat blimp. Tire advertising sucks except for Pirelli, whose entire sales model is based on elitism and naked supermodels. Which makes perfect sense, because when we think of rubber spheres bolted to your vehicle, we think of snobbery and the pert breasts of a gangly 20-year-old from a remote town in Brazil. After the cut, we have a sneak peek of the 2010 Pirelli calendar, featuring that dude from Bush’s incredibly hot bastard child Daisy Lowe, and a great shot of Miranda Kerr topless. It’s the most effective use of overalls with one strap down since the Funky Bunch!

Top row, L-R: Daisy Lowe and Catherine McNeil, Georgina Stojiljkovic and a sloth, Marloes Horst

Bottom row, L-R: Miranda Kerr, Rosie Huntington-Whitely

What’s So Super About These Models? Nudity.

Agent E. — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:36:25 +0000

Supermodels. They’re usually not the smartest people in the room. If you were out to lunch with a model, a failing fourth grader, and Britney Spears (Don’t judge; that’s our standing Thursday noon reservation at The Ivy), who would you let calculate the tip? So even though Mr. Skin declared last week Official Nude Victoria’s Secret Model Appreciation Week, some supermodels are getting nude this week. To be fair, one of them is Miranda Kerr, who just couldn’t keep her clothes on last week. And perhaps Naomi Campbell thought the magazine depicting her bare boob being gawked by a goat was slated for release last week. Or maybe this is the new world order. Every day we will wake up to find a new nude picture of a current or former Victoria’s Secret model in some manner of undress. Universal health care sounds nice and all, but this is the kind of revolution we’ve been waiting for. After the cut, see some naked models.

And before you start bitching, yes, we know that Miranda Kerr is wearing pantyhose and is therefore technically not nude, but hey, that sure looks like an ass to us. So suck it, nitpickers.

Victoria’s Secret Models Fight for Accidental-Nudity Domination

Agent E. — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:19:41 +0000

We love supermodels. They’re so pretty. And they’re so good at following orders. When a photographer says, “Take your top off, love,” (because photographers are classy and, therefore, British) it’s very likely that she’s going to do it. Hell, if she’s Kate Moss she probably won’t even wait for the photographer to ask. But even when they keep their clothes on, those clothes usually don’t cover very much. Today we’re bringing you a double shot of accidental Victoria’s Secret model skin. Miranda Kerr over there was so excited to be getting her pretty picture taken on top of a building that her nipple jumped clear out of her top. Then, as if to outdo her fellow lingerie donner, Marisa Miller flashed her whole ass while changing clothes for the new Victoria’s Secret catalog. So who wins? You, obviously. But also Marisa, because ass beats accidental nipple. But hopefully Miranda has a competitive streak and won’t take this loss well. Maybe then she’ll show up for the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show wearing only garter belts. After the cut, Marisa Miller’s ass and Miranda Kerr’s nipple.

CNW Junk Drawer: Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter. Minka Jeter.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 16:24:20 +0000

Derek Jeter makes 500 trillion dollars a year and now he’s going to marry Minka Kelly. And you guys don’t want Socialism? (Yeeeah!)
Jennifer Aniston nips out for Elle. Fashionably sharp, old girl. (CityRag)
Even Anderson Cooper can’t hide the vitriol when it comes to indulging Heidi Montag’s poppycockery. (Gone Hollywood)
Gerard Butler slapped a dog. And he liked it. The taste of its treat-tinged dog spit. (The Blemish)
Kirsten Dunst has been sinking her fangs into several 12-packs of Stroh’s. (Fatback)
Constipated and sober? Kill two birds with one stone with a beer bong in your butt! Dunst, take notes. (College Candy)
Miranda Kerr goes blonde; gets paid to hold a bottle and stand around. (CelebSlam)
Megan Fox as Catwoman? Naw, it’s just a rumor. Still, feel free to make that inevitable “pussy” joke here, if you are so inclined. (Anything Hollywood)
Britney Spears and Russell Brand VMA Awards promo video. We didn’t watch it. Why not? Just we’re just that fuckin’ cool. (Amy Grindhouse)
It sounds as if Avril Lavigne will soon be divorcing her troll-like Canadian husband, and he’ll be free to live under bridges and torment the Billy Goats Gruff once again. (Celebrity Mound)
Something for the ladies: Robert Pattinson shower curtain. Because there’s nothing like the glower of a handsome vampire bearing down on you when you’re washing your ass crack. (Allie Is Wired)

Holy Kerr-ap, She's Topless

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:49:31 +0000

The picture we just posted of Madonna’s chewy-looking appendages was so unbelievably alluring that we thought we needed to balance it out with something really ugly. After briefly contemplating posting a geoduck and and a dirty diaper, we went with Miranda Kerr nude. Puke, right? Man, what a bowser. Apparently, these shots were taken during a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot at the beach. Don’t ask us how a topless supermodel sells bras. We’ve been wondering for years how naked women sell tires, and yet Pirelli is the fifth largest tire manufacturer in the world. If only Crystal Pepsi had slapped a boob on the front of the can, it would have replaced water as the wet product of choice.

After the cut, nudie shots!

Nude Supermodels Show Their Nude Superbobbles

Agent E. — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 17:36:25 +0000

Some days we just don't feel like sifting through the immense pile of bullshit on the internet. Paris and Lindsay are jealous of Jon and Kate? (Their thoughts on the plus 8 have not been revealed.) Yeah, we really don't care. Some days it's just easier to look at pretty ladies. Especially when those pretty ladies are also naked. And oddly today's naked-lady-news comes courtesy of hoity toity "legitimate journalism" mag Vanity Fair. It's named after a classic of English literature! Dorothy Parker and T. S. Eliot wrote for it! See, classy! Therefore it is purely in the name of journalism that Vanity Fair put eleven gorgeous topless supermodels on their cover. The cover story is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the Pirelli calendar, which each year brings us semi-clothed women for the sake of selling tires. We don't see the connection, but we're not complaining. After the cut, nude Miranda Kerr and a bunch of other naked supermodels. You're welcome.

We appreciate the nude supermodels and all, but we think the real star here is that photographer. The Rollins Band t-shirt. The T-Bone tattoo. The knife play. What a beaut! But please, can someone tell us what's tattooed above his right tit? Because we're really really hoping it's Hank Williams Jr.

CNW Junk Drawer: Lisa, Kelly, or Jessie?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:38:06 +0000

ï Mr. Skin takes to the streets of Chicago to find out which Saved by the Bell babe is the most wanted in the Windy City. (Mr. Skin)

ï Samantha Ronson blows a load all over Lindsay Lohan. Load, kiss, same thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï If Tom Cruise had a comic book. (Holy Taco)

ï Model Miranda Kerr dumps Orlando Bloom for Brandon "Firecrotch!" Davis. Trading a eunuch elf for Fat Elvis? That's kind of a lateral move. (Yeeeah!)

ï Sarah Jessica Parker gets her chin goober removed; now will only be mistaken for Lemmy Kilmeister 50% of the time. (Cityrag)

ï Don't tase me, (Josh) bro(lin)! (The Blemish)

ï Katy Perry wants to kiss a girl. A girl named Miley Cyrus. And we liked it. (Hollywire)

ï Kristin Chenoweth is charming, funny, and has colossal gazongas. (Fatback)

ï Vanessa Hudgens straddles Zac Efron on the beach. She's thinking sex, he's thinking "stop smudging my bronzer." (F-listed)

ï Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)

ï Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)

ï Emmy nominations released; Katherine Heigl's wish comes true when she gets zilch. (Bitten and Bound)

Miranda Kerr Topless. Orlando Bloom Bottomless.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:55:39 +0000

We at CelebNewsWire have made no bones (that's a clever play on words, just wait and see) about the fact that we don't believe Orlando Bloom has genitals. Like a wood sprite or that gnome that scared the Argentinians, he has no need for carnal pleasures when he can make merry in a meadow or drink morning dew out of a lily of the valley. Today we come one step closer to realizing our hypothesis, as Orlando and his girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr, are snapped sunbathing half naked on a balcony. Our suspicions about his groin area still aren't confirmed, but the oddly smooth, plasticine buttocks certainly help. Though the absence of pan pipes and curled-toe shoes is troubling. After the cut, see Orlando's ass . . . oh, and Miranda Kerr's boobs. If you're into topless lingerie models or something.