ï Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)

ï Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)

ï Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)

ï Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)

ï John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)

ï Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)

ï Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)