CelebNewsWire» Miley Cyrus Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Nothing Tastes as Good as Visible Vertebrae Feel

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:07:56 +0000

Naked Hayden Panettiere pretends to fellate a gun, then gets a face full of liquid. Just like your mom every Wednesday haaaaaay! (The Blemish)
Miley Cyrus’s tour bus entourage involved in crash. One person (not Miley) was killed. Hey that’s not funny. (PopEater)
But you know what IS funny? 16-year-old Miley dressing up like a hooker for funsies. (Celebitchy)
Oprah is quitting her show. Who cares. She’s probably also leaving Chicago. TRAITOR! (Litely Salted)
Kate Moss says that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. She’s obviously never had an authentic West Virginia pepperoni roll. (Celebrity Milkshake)
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning share a girl-girl kiss in The Runaways. Hello, Daddy. Hello, Mom. (PopCrunch)
Dawson’s getting divorced! James Van Der Beek says to wife Heather McComb, “I don’t want . . . yer wife.” (BuzzHollywood)
More hilarity daily if you follow us on Twitter.

Now With Extra Poppability

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 15:41:13 +0000

We understand that it’s often hard to get children to eat healthy foods, and companies and parents often go to extremes to get them to do so. Like the purple ketchup craze of 2002. But perhaps Disney Garden should have run the idea of Hannah Montana Cherries past a few more people, including maybe Miley Cyrus herself, before going ahead with it. Then again, stranger products have succeeded. Like Dakota Fanning Hymen Busters Gum.

Miley Cyrus Is Very Age Appropriate

Agent E. — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:50:36 +0000

Yesterday we were contemplating the horrid life that must befall the children of Juggalos and Juggalettes. As we scrolled through Derek Erdman’s horrifying photos from last weekend’s Gathering of the Juggalos, all we could think of were the unwilling participants. Faygo in the baby bottles, meth mixed in with the strained peas, all the rashes from that shitty makeup. But really, once those kids are placed in foster homes, they’re not likely to remember what could have become of their lives, so no harm, right? Miley Cyrus, though, she doesn’t have it so good. Sure, she’s a world-famous celebrity with wads of cash, but at what price? At Sunday’s Teen Choice Awards, Miley did a little greasing of the pole. The stripper pole. For an audience full of tweens. Now we know that sixteen isn’t exactly an innocent age, but with Miley this shit is just creepy. Mostly because we can see the pre-show planning session. A Fox exec starts talking about a Forever 21 tie-in, with Miley wearing some leggings and a slouchy tee, and the set could be decorated like a candy store, with giant lollipops and a fluffy cotton candy floor. Then Billy Ray breaks in and is all like, “No, we need something more edgy. I think Miley should wear some La Perla lingerie and recreate Jessica Biel’s strip routine from Powder Blue. She’s so hot right now.”

We’ve already used the word tweens, so we might as well say tweet too. Read our tweets! They’re on the Twitter.

Miley + Jesus = Tru Luv 4-Eva

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:03:31 +0000

We were a little bummed when pert tweenbot Miley Cyrus ended her completely legitimate relationship with curiously well-groomed underwear model Justin Gaston. Who will be there to brush away Miley's tears when she cries? Who will laugh with her when she's jolly? Who will share invaluable tips about deep conditioning for highlights? As it turns out, we needn't worry. Miley's found a new man. She recently Twittered:

"Talking to the one man who keeps his promise. One man who really understands 'unconditional love' – Jesus."

It's true. Jesus really is the perfect love interest for a 16-year-old girl. He loves animals and babies, he has shiny hair, he won't pressure you for a BJ under the bleachers at the JV soccer game. He will possibly sneak into your room at night to watch you masturbate. Basically he's the vampire dude from Twilight!

Say there! Speaking of the Twitter, why don't you follow us? Like the apostles followed Jesus. Only our Twitter has fewer sermons and more coke sluts.

CNW Junk Drawer: Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Salomon-Padgett

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 18:46:42 +0000

ï So they're saying Pamela Anderson is set to wed again. This time to scuba diver Jamie Padgett. Eighteenth time's a charm! (Yeeeah!)

ï Jamie Foxx wants Miley Cyrus to do heroin, smoke crack, make a sex tape, and get chlamydia from a bicycle seat. Uh, it was a tractor and my doctor said it totally can happen, thank you very much. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Porn star Marilyn Chambers slips behind the green door of life and into the great beyond. RIP, lady. (Mr Skin)

ï Angelina Jolie named Most Beautiful Woman by Vanity Fair. That's so fucking controversial, man! Can you even believe it? We're outraged! Outraged!!! (Celebitchy)

ï Remember yesterday, when we posted pics of Jessica Simpson in a muumuu and said we liked the look? Well, we were right. Because now there are naked ass upskirt shots. Ka-BOOM. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Phil Spector: to know, know, know him is to love, love, love him. Unless you're Barbarian Queen Lana Clarkson. Then he kills you. (CelebWarship)

ï Lindsay Lohan shows all the depth of your seventh grade production of Pecos Bill and Slue Foot Sue Meet the Dirty Dan gang in a new video for FunnyorDie. (DailyStab)

ï Hey, look! Naked babes with strategically covered nipples in Allure! (The Blemish)

CNW Junk Drawer: Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes Dash of Her Board

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:51:22 +0000

ï Diamond Dash is neither the game that came preloaded on your cell phone nor the new baby of mogul Damon Dash. It's what Paris Hilton just paid $280,000 to have installed in her pink Bentley. It's the economy, sluthead! (The Blemish)

ï Holly Madison will be replacing an injured Jewel on Dancing with the Stars. Because to find someone to fill Jewel's shoes, they needed someone with similarly large chugs. (Daily Stab)

ï So maybe Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green aren't really broken up after all. Because, apparently, she's "addicted" to his ding dong. Here, have a bucket for that retching. There ya go. (Yeeeah!)

ï Ashlee Simpson brings Bronx Mowgli out into the urban jungle. Hahahaha, get it? (CelebWarship)

ï Miley Cyrus admits she underwent harrowing bullying at school. Then she came home and jumped in her swimming pool full of mink stoles and had the Hope Diamond for dinner. (Wesbster's Is My Bitch)

ï Kanye West's new ~~beard~~ girlfriend, Amber Rose, is frankly quite hot. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï James Franco got a book deal. Okay. (Celebitchy)

ï Hollywood dudes who wear too much makeup. Hahahaha! Look at you! Nice mascara, pansy! Bwahahaha! (Bitten and Bound)

ï Phil Collins has retired from music to collect artifacts from the Alamo. Because he can. (Holy Moly)

Jiggle Jiggle

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 17:45:58 +0000

Miley Cyrus: Maybe if I jog in a low-cut shirt and a bikini top, Justin will notice me.

Justin Gaston: Maybe if I jog with my shirt off, I can pick up cute guys.

Miley Cyrus: Maybe if I make a hand motion like I'm cupping male testicles, Justin will notice me.

Justin Gaston: It kind of looks like she's cupping balls. I could get into that.

Billy Ray Cyrus: I'm just relaxing by my crotch rocket, cold kicking my distressed denim after getting my soul patch professionally conditioned. All casual-like.

Justin Gaston: Ai, papi.

CNW Junk Drawer: Golden R-earring

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:52:28 +0000

ï Pam Anderson straps on the golden thong and jiggles it. Just a little bit. (IDLYITW)

ï Zahara and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are cooler than you, and they can't even read. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Slumdog Millionaire star Freida Pinto has a secret husband. She's keeping him on the DL because he's so very attractive. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Pussycat Guy Nicole Scherzinger slips a nip. And what a nip it is. (The Blemish)

ï Let's play Celebrity Ass Pick. It's more fun than Cootie! (Cityrag)

ï 16-year-old Miley Cyrus's femme underwear model boyfriend Justin Gaston says he "looks up" to her. Because she's really good with a flat iron and an eyelash curler. How does she DO that? (Faded Youth)

ï Liev Schreiber desires man boobs. Perhaps he should talk to the male cast of Lost for tips. (Yeeeah!)

ï Gisele Bundchen see through. Not a half-assed bra see-through either. There's nipple. That's right. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Aniston and Jolie will have a duel at high noon at the Oscars. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Chace Crawford rejects Lindsay Lohan. Again. Because he's gay. And she's faux gay. (PopCrunch)

Reparations from Miley

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:42:11 +0000

OK, Miley Cyrus is a mega-dummy for making the squinty face in that recent photo, but she's sixteen years old, an age when one is more concerned with deciphering the hidden meaning of Kelly Clarkson lyrics than racial sensitivity. But try telling that to Lucie Kim, some Los Angeles lady who was so devastated by Miley pulling up her eyes that she's suing for a huge chunk of cheese. TMZ says:

A Los Angeles woman has filed a class action suit against Miley Cyrus, claiming she mocked Asians in a recent photo by slanting her eyes. Price tag: $4 billion.

Lucie J. Kim claims to represent more than 1 million Asian Pacific Islanders who live in L.A. County. Kim claims when Cyrus posed for the photo, she ìknew or should have known that her image would be publicly disseminated via the media, which Cyrus knew focused on her private life, specifically TMZ.î

Kim says in the suit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, that each Asian Pacific Islander is entitled to the minimum damages for a civil rights violation ó $4,000. Add it up ó $4 billion!

Well, what do you expect? A picture of an undereducated clueless teenager pulling at her eyeballs is mentally devastating. We can understand how someone would look at it and be overcome with so much suffering that the only thing that could make the hurt go away is a bunch of dollars. We understand because we were so offended by this picture of Courtney Love in a bikini that we sued her and won. We got a busted breast implant with dog chew marks on it, a truckload of unsold "America's Sweetheart" CDs, and a quarter. It was a shiny quarter though!

She's Just Bein' Miley

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:31:54 +0000

What do Miley Cyrus and Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's have in common? Aside from short stature and a winning smile? Lots! Making the rounds of the internet is the picture you see at left, depicting Miley, her much older and nellier boyfriend Justin Gaston, and others pulling at the sides of their eyes in the classic elementary school "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these" motion. Asian-American group OCA issued the following statement regarding the photo:

The photograph of Miley Cyrus and other individuals slanting their eyes currently circulating the Internet is offensive to the Asian Pacific American community and sets a terrible example for her many young fans. This image falls within a long and unfortunate history of people mocking and denigrating individuals of Asian descent…

…Not only has Miley Cyrus and the other individuals in the photograph encouraged and legitimized the taunting and mocking of people of Asian descent, she has also insulted her many Asian Pacific American fans, said George Wu, executive director of OCA. The inclusion of an Asian Pacific American individual in the photo does not make it acceptable.

OCA hopes that Miley Cyrus will apologize to her fans and the APA community for this lapse in judgment and takes the opportunity to better understand why the gesture is offensive."

Miley immediately apologized for the gaffe, pressed her palms together and bowed and said "Most honorable Miley say ah so solly!" Ugh, what a maroon. If Miley and her pals want to offend via photographed gesticulations, they should learn some that aren't racially charged. Like the international symbol for cunnilingus. Or the shocker! Everyone likes the shocker. Even the OCA!