The evening started off very civilly. Pete and Ashlee had a pleasant conversation with Michelle and her boyfriend for close to 20 minutes, and even showed [Trachtenberg] some baby pictures of [Ashlee's] little boy, Bronx.

Things got out of control. An increasingly loud Simpson began to give Wentz a lap dance while staring directly at Michelle and hurling insults at her. She was grinding up on Pete like a stripper. It was actually pretty disgusting.

Things reached a climax when Simpson screamed at a confused Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!"

God, what kind of a world do we live in? A drunken near catfight over Little Petey Wentz? WTF? Drunken catfights between bimbos should be reserved for someone like George Clooney, not the puny MySpace-haired bassist of some emo-rock band. That's like if we went up to someone about to throw out an apple core and started throwing a fit. "No! That's my apple core! It only loves me. It never really loved you. It let me lick on it the whole time you were eating it. It's all mine, mine, mine, you apple-eating whore!"

P.S. You best step off, Ashlee. Georgina would totally kick your ass.

The ìMean Girlsî star caused a stir at Miami Beachís Shore Club recently when she spotted Trachtenberg across the room.

ìThose two hate each other, and Lindsay started screaming, ëGet her the [bleep] outta here!î an ìeyewitnessî told the tab. ìShe was threatening to get physical and actually fight Michelle, saying, ëIíll kick her [bleeping] [bleep]!î

Lohan reportedly left Shore Club shortly after the outburst.

Since Lindsay's starlet catfights always seem to revolve around her dick of the week (see Hilary Duff/Aaron Carter, Scarlett Johansson/Jordan Catalano), there is only one conclusion to be drawn from this: Lindsay has decided she must have a four-foot pseudo goth with velvet pants, eyeliner, and a monkey fetish. Watch out, Petey Wentz, Lindsay's coming for you.

And you can come for Lindsay at MrSkin.com.

ï Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

ï Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

ï DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

ï For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

ï Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

ï Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

ï Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.

"It felt amazing because that was exactly what I had wanted. I didn't necessarily read Beautiful Ohio and say 'This is it. This is the one that's gonna break me out.' When I read the script I knew there was a sex scene. But it never mentioned any nudity. When we were nailing down the final deal points I got a call telling me there was no nudity in the sex scene, but there was nudity [elsewhere]. It was a big decision that I had to make. It's my butt. It's after the sex scene. We're outside in the woods. It's this scenic, beautiful shot of two naked bodies against a lake and… my tushy"

"It's not a stunt tushy, is it?"

"[Laughs] Oh no, there's no stunt double. That's my ass [Laughs]. It was nerve-wracking, but something that I felt was very necessary to the character"

If Michelle truly wants to break free of her child star image and be taken seriously as an actress, we suggest she stop using words like "tushy". After Monster's Ball, you didn't hear Halle Berry say, "The sex scene was necessary to the character's development as a woman. That's why I showed my boobies, my bum-bum, and my . . . you know . . . down there."

There's more of Michelle to be had at MrSkin.com

ï We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.

ï Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.

ï Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.

ï Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.

ï Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.

ï Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.

ï That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.

ï Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.