ï Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

ï Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

ï DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

ï For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

ï Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

ï Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

ï Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.