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Michael Douglas's Daughter Is Too Sexy for This Song

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:14:14 +0000

The children of celebrities reach maturity faster than you and me. All that access to money, fast cars, fake IDs and such and such makes for a real Less Than Zero adolescence. So it comes as no surprise that butt-chinned actor Michael Douglas would be worried that his first grader daughter with wife Catherine Zeta-Jones, Carys Douglas, is acting too sexy for her age. According to our own personal gossip merengue tutor, Female First, Mike said,

“She takes dance classes. She’s six, but she already has the hip action. I’m looking at my six-year-old, going ‘Cha-cha!’ Really shaking it pretty good. And I’m going, ‘Man, I thought this happens like 10 years from now.’ “

Aw, don’t sweat it, Michael. You needn’t worry about your daughter being loose when she’s sixteen. You’ll be dead then. Get it? Cuz he’s old.

CNW Junk Drawer: It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:57:03 +0000

ï This year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover girl is Leonardo DiCaprio concubine Bar Rafaeli. Or, as the cover states, "Refaeli". It's hard to care when her labes are almost hanging out. (Yeeeah!)

ï Mr Skin announces Anatomy Award nominees! Holy hooters! (Mr Skin)

ï Jessica Simpson straps on some short shorts to irk the h8rs. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Halle Berry is going to shave her head for a movie role. We're sure she'll look as ugly as usual. (IMDb)

ï Michael Douglas's son Cameron stops paying rent, then leaves his place coated in needles and blackened spoons. Because he's Michael Douglas's son, and he's ruggedly handsome and above the law and impervious to bullets. He does what the fuck he wants. (ILYITW)

ï Today is Jennifer Aniston's 40th birthday, and ex-boyfriend John Mayer wrote her a song. It goes, "Lordy lordy! Jen is forty! So many candles blazin'. Lordy, Lordy! Jen's forty! Her vadge looks like a craisin." (I'm Not Obsessed)

ï Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love are reportedly dating in secret. That's cool, they have a lot in common. Like injecting stuff into their faces. And wearing scarves. (Socialite Life)

ï Katherine Heigl and T. R. Knight are leaving the cast of Grey's Anatomy. Which should leave them with a lot of free time to do their favorite hobbies: smoking things. Cigarettes and men's wieners, respectively. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Mischa Barton. Lookin' gooooooood. (The Blemish)

ï Kate Hudson is once again letting the Butterscotch Stallion nibble her sugar cubes with his velvety muzzle. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Don't be a douche-ku. Ogle Eliza Dushku in Maxim. (Daily Stab)

"Pee-pee on Daddy's Back!"

Agent E. — Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:40:23 +0000

Being the offspring of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones has got to be rough. First Daddy looks like the psychotic version of David Crosby, but without the mellowing effects of weed. Then there's the inevitable blow-up when you misstate Mommy's age to one of your playground friends. "Do you think Mommy's some kind of monster? I'm thirty-five." "But, Mommy, you were thirty-five two years ago." "I don't care. I'm THIRTY-FIVE. And when you ask again in two years I will still be THIRTY-FIVE!" Compared to that trauma, Daddy asking you to pee on him is probably the equivalent of a non-famous child getting a special pony ride.

In the same way that you bragged to Joe and Phil and the guys at the pub about that "hot piece of tail" you banged on your last vacation in Cabo (really you were in Boca Raton playing shuffleboard with your nanna and her friend Marge), so too does Michael Douglas enjoy sharing tales of his family beach excursions. Thus spake Gordon Gekko:

I took my kids down to the ocean the other day and we had a little problem – we have jellyfish. I got stung actually pretty bad, across my back just last week. There's sort of a remedy that we've all heard…urine. It's the remedy if you have a bad sting.
So I asked my five-year-old son if he would pee-pee on my back. He looked at me like he'd gone to heaven. He was like 'This is what I call a good summer holiday! Pee-pee on daddy's back!' I don't know if it helped at all, but my son was happy. We'll work it out in 20 years (when he's in therapy)!

In twenty years Douglas will be well over eighty years old. We think Michael just revealed the best part about having children so late in life: You can make them do just about anything in their formative years knowing that when they're old enough to process just how fucked up it was that Daddy made them wax his testicles you'll be stowed away in an old-folks home eating pureed peas and saying "Hunh, hunh?"

Ba-Sick Instinct

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:41:57 +0000

Happy "Scary Pictures of People Who Were in Basic Instinct" Day, everybody!

Celebrate by taking an icepick and cramming it clean through your eyeballs! Phew, that's better.

See Sharon Stone looking much more palatable at MrSkin.com.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Gets Stabby

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 17:55:08 +0000

Lots of women are jealous types, and if they catch another broad making eyes at their man, they'll unleash a torrent of cussing, biting, scratching, hairpulling, pudding wrestling, and possibly foxy boxing. But Catherine Zeta-Jones's jealousy and insanity are at levels previously uncharted by humans, and she says if she catches any ho looking at hubby Michael Douglas, she'll take care of the problem with a sword. Which must happen often, because if there's anything young women desire, it's a 104-year-old man with an enlarged prostate, an ass for a chin, and weeping face lift sutures.

The Welsh are a passionate people. You've got Dylan Thomas and his moving verse, Tom Jones and his sultry vocals and lascivious hip-shaking, and you've got Catherine Zeta-Jones, a woman who is in cell phone commercials. Cath has landed herself the ancient, decrepit goose that lays the golden egg (or, at least it would were it not for the aforementioned prostate) and she ain't about to lose that to an even younger and more toned version of herself. CZJ learned a thing or two about a thing or two wielding weapons on the set of her new Zorro movie. Says she:

"I was never a jealous woman. I never had a fight over jealousy and regarding Michael, if a man looks at him, I'll be angry, but if it's a woman it's better for me because with her, I'll solve the problem with a sword."

She's not the only Zorro star using her weapon to intimidate. Antonio Banderas, although being awfully tan and hunky, is no Charlton Heston and eschews guns in the home in favor of a nice shiny blade when it comes to protecting his own decomposing Botoxed mate and young child.

"Even though we filmed the first Zorro movie nine years ago, I kept the sword. I won't say where I keep it, but it's in a strategic spot in my home. I truly pity the burglar who shows up at my house! Though I wonder what I'd tell the authorities… 'Officer, he tried to rob me, so I cut a giant Z into him! . . . If a boy gets out of line with my daughter, I will take down that sword and say, 'Son, step into my den for a little talk!'"

A head-scratcher for sure, but it sounds like swords might be the new bodyguards amongst the Tinseltown set. And we're into it. Swarovski crystal sheaths strapped to Prada skirts. Reese Witherspoon beheading the Pavarotti. MK Olsen drawing her cutlass to Paris Hilton's face and saying, "My name is Mary-Kate Olsen. You stole my Stamos Nachos. Prepare to die."

Cath shows her deadly weapons at MrSkin.com.

Facelift Attraction

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 04 Apr 2005 17:29:29 +0000

Michael Douglas is 60. In Hollywood, this doesn't normally matter–that's about the age when its male stars film a string of romantic comedies opposite your Amanda Peets or your Heather Grahams. But Mike is married to notorious shrieking harridan Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is probably just now realizing that although those Douglas dollars are still fun to spend, the fella she married is well on his way to the bloated, saggy land of salt-n-pepper 'nad hair, so the Wall Street star had himself a good old-fashioned face lift.

Mike had been spending a couple weeks ~~recovering~~ vacationing in Barbados with his wife and two young kids (When those little ones graduate high school, their dad will be pushing 80. Think about that.) when he was captured for posterity with what The Sun called "a plaster next to his left ear and a weeping wound by his right one". Delicious! Have a gander at these pics from PageSixSixSix.com. An onlooker described Douglas: "Michael looked like he had cuts around his ears. He had flown off the island on Monday evening, then returned the next afternoon with the plaster and scars. He didnít have them when he left on Monday ó so whatever he had done must have taken place on Monday night. He did look very strange." Well done, Mike! Now you look merely 55!

Traumatized after seeing Mike's weeping boo-boos? Turn your pained eyes to the lovely sight of Catherine Zeta-Jones nude at MrSkin.com.