I hate doing school scenes and office scenes; I hate doing mall scenes … if I could do exciting genre films like (“Jennifer’s Body”) and be covered in blood and vomit for the rest of my life, I would be really happy. The scenes in which I was covered in blood and break through glass were amazing. In one scene, I’m shoving a whole chicken in my mouth — a whole chicken! I love it; it is so different and original.

We don’t really care if Megan is covered in blood and vomit or edible body glitter or kitten diarrhea. But we would greatly appreciate it if she took that chicken (or a similar one, if the original is not available) and stuffed it in her mouth right before every interview. It would be so different and original!

That picture up there has Megan Fox’s teeth. Our Facebook page has Megan Fox’s tongue. Lots of it.

If I had been a typical starlet and said all the right things, I wouldn’t have escalated to this level. I sit down and do an interview and I talk like a person and that, for some reason, is shocking. All women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. You’re sold, and it’s based on sex. That’s O.K., if you know how to use it.

It’s been a crazy year. I’ve learned that being a celebrity is like being a sacrificial lamb. At some point, no matter how high the pedestal that they put you on, they’re going to tear you down. And I created a character as an offering for the sacrifice. I’m not willing to give my true self up. It’s a testament to my real personality that I would go so far as to make up another personality to give to the world. The reality is, I’m hidden amongst all the insanity. Nobody can find me.

OK, we get it. Your real self is hidden away, protected from the public, sheathed in baby bunting. Whatever. Now can you please do the same with your fake self? Hide it somewhere really, really good, like a moon crater. That would be really helpful to our sanity.

I just really want it at some point to be OK for women and young girls to be sexy because I think that’s a power, a gift that we were given by God or the universe or whatever. I think I’m a different kind of role model for young girls. But maybe not the kind America is comfortable with.

We’re sure that these words made sense when they rattled around in Megan’s big ol’ brain (we imagine it sparsely decorated like a mid-century modern showpiece home), but when we read them, all we could think of was this:

Yes, that is Miley Cyrus’s 9-year-old sister, Noah. And that’s supposedly some sort of Halloween costume, though we have no clue what she’s supposed to represent. The stripper who inspired all of Miley’s Teen Choice Awards moves?

Giorgio Armani has tapped Megan Fox to feature in the new Emporio Armani Underwear and Armani Jeans campaigns. The new Armani images featuring Fox will start running worldwide in January.

Fox was shot by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott in Los Angeles over the weekend. While details of the shoot and the images could not be learned, the actress will appear in print ads as well as on billboards. It has not been decided whether Fox will participate at in-store events tied in with the campaign launch.

In-store events. You know what that means? That means you can go to department stores and have Megan Fox sign your briefs. You can look at her and talk to her and smell her. Just lean over and take a big whiff. Flutter your hands in front of your face and close your eyes in ecstasy like Hannibal Lecter. Girls are really turned on by that!

Megan Fox is such an anomaly. Never before has there been a woman so physically agreeable yet so universally hated by the blog-reading masses. So when you watch this, we suppose you’ll have to imagine someone more to your liking in the Megan Fox role. Like Pol Pot. Or an anthropomorphic tonsillolith.

Hey, look, we’re on Facebook.

“I was uncomfortable, because I normally kiss men. Even in front of people, to kiss someone for the first time, female or male, is still awkward.

“It’s also awkward when you’re being filmed doing it. And then, of course, there’s still the producers that get to watch that scene every day, and you’re like – it’s inevitable, men are going to get turned on. You know people are going to get turned on when they see this, because it’s, you know, taboo.

“Sometimes I have a good time making out with my co-stars, male co-stars, because it’s easy and totally, completely not real. I’m more comfortable with it, because I’ve kissed boys before in my life. So it’s just more comfortable. I think why I felt so intimidated by Megan. Also, with a female, I was worried that she would judge me. It was also awkward because we’re kind of pals.”

That’s aces, Amanda. We’re still not seeing your fat little turd of a movie.

P.S. Facebook, be our friend you will, says Yoda.

I developed [a fear of flying] when I turned 20. All of a sudden I got really afraid to get on airplanes. I had to come up with a way to deal with it because I didn’t want to have panic attacks every time I get on a plane. I know for a fact it’s not in my destiny to die listening to a Britney Spears album, so I always put that on in my [headphones] when I’m flying because I know it wont crash if I’ve got Britney on.

We wonder how much of her destiny has been revealed to Megan. Can she see the direct-to-video movies opposite C. Thomas Howell? The softcore porn? The really, really cheap and obvious plastic surgery? Because we can see all of that pretty clearly. Just give her ten years.