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Leighton Meester Demonstrates Twoface Abilities

Agent E. — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:33:30 +0000

That picture to your left there? That’s Leighton Meester when she’s allowed to do her own makeup. She looks like she’s about to dislocate her jaw so that she can wrap those clown lips completely around your head and slurp you up in one fluid swallow. But below we have a more pleasing representation. GQ finally released more pics from that ooh, girl you naughty photo shoot we showed you the other day. She looks ready to slurp up something, sure, but not in a cannibalistic alien sort of way, but more of a “new from Vivid” sort of way.

Cram It, RPattz! Johnny Depp Owns Your Sexiness

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:36:45 +0000

Robert Pattinson has been stripped of his crown, like Vanessa Williams and Carrie Prejean before him. Yesterday we reported that RPattz landed People’s Sexiest Man Alive title, but it turns out that we were just being toyed with. People released the real cover today, and it’s Johnny Depp again. Dude was the sexiest in 2003 and apparently, six years have done nothing to dampen his palpable handsomeosity, and he and his curiously patchy fu manchu have emerged victorious once again. According to PopEater, the senior editor at People explained,

“Johnny Depp was someone who was sexy 10 years ago. He’ll be sexy 10 years from now. He’s someone who appeals to multiple generations of women.”

And ten years after that, he’ll still be sexy. And he’ll be sexy 10 years after that. 10 years following that he’ll be in assisted living, gumming canned pears and goosing nurses with his fungus-nailed claw hands and he’ll still be sexy. 10 years after that he will be drained of blood and organs and in a coffin and he will still be sexy. 10 years after that, butyric putrefaction has set in, and beetles are chewing their way through Depp’s ligaments while tineid moths feast on his glorious hair and face it, you’d still f him. God, this was a hot story.

The Sexiest Pattz Alive

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:06:56 +0000

Have you already Fandangoed your advance tickets for New Moon? Oh, excellent, then you probably also tape every episode of Army Wives and own an extensive collection of sweatshirts festooned with embroidered Disney characters . Which means you crave news about Robert Pattinson! And we have some! Having the most artfully purposeful stubble since George Michael has really paid off for RPattz—he’s been named People’s Sexiest Man Alive. That means he’s in good company, with hunks like Mark Harmon and the incredibly erotic Nick Nolte. Furthermore, prettyboy says he’ll show you his ding dong. Via our own personal Sexiest Gossip Alive, FemaleFirst, when Pattz was asked about nudity in film:

“I think it would depend on what it is. And I don’t think a lot of people would really want to see that. I think it would ruin the illusion!”

Yeah, we’ve already seen Pattinson nude in Little Ashes, and although we only see dick root, it looks like he could use an illusion. Maybe some trimming at the base. Or a complicated set-up of mirrors and a false-bottom box.

OMFG! IT’S PATSY AND KSTEW AND TAYLOR AND DAKOTA FANNING AND OTHER PEOPLE! NEW MOON RED CARPET PREMIERE! SO GLAMOROUS! SO SEXY! SO TOTES THE SHIZNIT!

Um, Leighton Meester Might Be Hot. We Think.

Agent E. — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:29:12 +0000

The great thing about Blair Waldorf, Leighton Meester’s character on Gossip Girl, is that under those designer prep school clothes and perfectly placed headbands you just know that the girl is crazy freaky. We don’t get quite enough of that on the show, thanks to those uppity parents who are all like, “Two girls kissing? And then kissing the same guy? Oooooooooh noooooooo!” (That was our Mr. Bill impression, btw. Hope you liked it.) But that’s why we have men’s magazines! Or at least, that’s why we have men’s magazines until the day when Leighton needs an Oscar and does a real-sex movie with Mickey Rourke. These here photographs come from GQ (via a French Gossip Girl fan site. Who knew?) And there’s no preppy, proper-upbringing pretense here. It’s all nasty. Deliciously, deliciously nasty.

Also deliciously, deliciously nasty? CelebNewsWire on Twitter. But mostly just because of the poop jokes.

Robert Downey Jr.’s Moose Knuckle

Agent E. — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:10:19 +0000

Robert Downey Jr. is a master of his craft. He is able to become his characters. There is no Robert Downey Jr., only a white guy in black face, a rich dude wearing a pile of scrap metal, a sleuth masterful enough to sniff out Jude Law’s lost potential. He is so great, in fact, that he doesn’t even need words to convey great emotion, making him a perfect magazine cover model. With one bemused smirk and a simple positioning of the hands he is able to speak volumes. Volumes that begin with “Behold! My nut sack! It is too voluminous to fit comfortably into this Italian-made designer suit without rubbing suggestively against its fine cloth.”

CNW Junk Drawer: They Tried to Make Me Go to Silicone Rehab

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:08:20 +0000

Amy Winehouse has traded needles in the arm for needles in the boobs and lips. (The Blemish)
Rachel Bilson sports Gwyneth Paltrow-style greaseball legs in Flaunt. (Yeeeah!)
James Gandolfini assaulted a paparazzo. Sadly, he later found out that the photog was not, in fact, carrying any nachos on him so it was all for naught. (Anything Hollywood)
Strap on your lucite and jump into a puddle of bronzer–it’s the Shauna Sand sex tape preview! (Nudography)
Tom isn’t the only Cruise who likes a phallic object in the mouth. (Allie Is Wired)
Kelly Brook places crumpets over her crumpets. Then we will eat dunk them in our milk. And other gross metaphors. (Mr. Skin)
Australia is pissssssed about Britney Spears lip synching. (Amy Grindhouse).
Chris Martin calls Kate Bosworth Gwyneth’s “younger version”. And then he porked her. (Celebitchy)
Sandra Bullock in custody battle for porn star’s kid. God, that sentence was awesome. (Hollywood Gossip)
Michael Lohan wants to release more Lindsay tapes. Yeah, that’ll help. (Pop on the Pop)
Stop being an asshole and be our pal on Facebook.

Megan Fox Has Bare Thighs, Dead Eyes

Agent E. — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:30:16 +0000

Remember when Megan Fox went totally out of character and tried to be sexy in Rolling Stone a couple months ago? You were like, “WTF, world? Megan Fox sexy? Is this like Halloween or something? I don’t get it.” Now outtakes (60 of them! 60! Geesh) have hit the internets thanks to Foxy-Megan.com, and they’re even hot awesome sexier than the ones that made the cut. That is if you’re a fan of necrophilia. In at least half of the shots Meg looks like she just downed a couple bottles of Ambien. Maybe Tyra Banks needs to take this chickadee under her wings and teach her to smize.

Grace Park Is Fraking Hot in Maxim Outtakes

Agent E. — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:51:55 +0000

Hey, are you a geek? Do you own a t-shit that says “Worst. Shirt. Ever.”? Then you’re going to love what we’ve got for you today: outtakes from Battlestar Galactica babe Grace Park’s sexy Maxim spread! Now we’ve got more side boob. And, if you fit the previous description, that’s totally awesome, because it’s more boob than you’ve seen in real life. We’re not saying that you’re inexperienced. No. That one time you got caught at the porno store feeling up the Tera Patrick Real Doll totally counts. Those boobs were based on the real (fake) ones! That’s just like feeling a real boob. You swear.

New Moon, Nice Bazooms

Agent E. — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 17:05:19 +0000

Let’s say you’ve been in a coma for 25 years. And you wake up and for some reason are presented with the magazine French Revue de Modes. Who knows why. Maybe your family fears that after all this time exposure to the current state of American culture will shock you back into vegetation. So instead of making you endure the latest bitch fight between Jon and Kate, they want to ease you back into the world. But their hope that seeing Ashley Greene’s cleavage in this fancy French publication will be your entry back into the real world backfires. Because you assume that Ashley is the new bitch on your favorite TV show and ask if you’ve missed the new episode of Dynasty while you were slumbering.

Lindsay Lohan’s Side Boob Better than Lindsay Lohan’s No Boob

Agent E. — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:33:14 +0000

Usually when actresses get all made up and take off various pieces of clothing to pose all pretty for a magazine, it’s because they’ve got something to sell. A new movie coming out. A new season of their TV show is about to start. They just wrote a book about their harrowing journey out of drug abuse. But Lindsay Lohan has none of that. She just likes showing up in magazines and pretending she’s a model. Unless of course this is a really, really subtle plug. Look in that second pic down there. If you look really closely, you can see a bottle of her can tan, Sevyn Nine. Your eyes don’t immediately notice it, but somehow it registers in your brain. And you think, “That skirt that Lindsay’s wearing is a really nice color. I wish my skin could be that shade. If only there were a product on the market capable of helping me achieve this goal.” And then the next time you’re at CVS or Barney’s or wherever the fuck they sell this shit, you’ll feel compelled to pick up a bottle. Now that’s marketing!

When Lindsay looks especially pretty, we put pictures of her on Facebook. Join us, won’t you?