CelebNewsWire» Luke Wilson Archives – CelebNewsWire

Jessica Simpson Good at Showing off Boobs, Not So Good at Remembering Stuff

Agent E. — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 17:40:00 +0000

We've recently begun to feel very bad for Jessica Simpson. She has no discernable talents aside from her knockers, her ex-husband has found a hot lady who loves sports and he seems very happy, and even John Mayer is disgusted at the idea of sticking his thingy in her hoo-ha. All she seems to have left in her life is her ability to rake in wads of cash by attaching her name to everything from bath products to dog treats and by modeling Ken Paves's wig-making prowess on movie sets. And that last one may be a little difficult for Jess to pull off if the script contains more lines for her to recite than a few veiled references to her snatch.

MSNBC brings us this story of Jessica's inability to store more sentences in her head than "Yes Daddy, whatever you say, Daddy."

Jessica Simpson is flubbing more than just song lyrics. Just days after the former reality show star caused a flap by messing up the lyrics in a Dolly Parton tribute, sheís reportedly having problems with her movie lines. A source on the Shreveport, Louisiana set of ìBlonde Ambitionî tells Star that Simpson is having trouble with her script lines. ìAfter the seventh take on one shot, the director hid a microphone in her ear so a crew member could feed her lines,î a source told the tab. ìEveryone was embarrassed for her, but she laughed it off, saying ëIím sorry, everyone. Iím sorry.î Co-star Luke Wilson was sympathetic, reports the source, and ìpatted [Simpson] on the back and told her it would be okay.î

Forgetting your lines while staring into the endless chasm that is Dolly Parton's cleavage we get. We've forgotten every word in the English language aside from "gazongas" when faced with the same view. But what was distracting Jessica on set? It couldn't have been anything like Luke Wilson's sex appeal or superior acting abilities, as both are non-existent, so we're just going to have to assume that what interrupted Jessica's concentration was a wild sex session between a golden retriever and a kitten. Or maybe that only happens in our workplace.

Get a load of Jessica's acting abilities at MrSkin.com.

Jessica Also Believes That Joe Is the Undisputed God of Texas

Agent E. — Tue, 10 Oct 2006 17:45:04 +0000

Jessica Simpson's creepy daddy has convinced her that she's starring in a new movie opposite Luke Wilson even though Wilson has not agreed to the film. We hear Papa Joe has a knack for convincing his daughters of things that are completely untrue. After all, someone must have told Ashlee she had a really pretty voice.

MSNBC's The Scoop reports:

In September, Jessica lamented that she was ìpreparing myselfî for the inevitable November tabloid covers that would link her to Wilson when she starts filming a role as his love interest in ìBlonde Ambition.î And just last week, she told Jimmy Kimmel, ìIím going into doing another movie with Luke Wilson called ëBlonde Ambition!íî
But a rep for Wilson told Star, ìThis project is in talks.î Whatís more, a source told the tab, ìLuke Wilson will never do a movie with Jessica Simpson.î
The insider suggests that the starís manager dad Joe Simpson has been exaggerating prospects for the flick. ìJoe is telling Jessica heís getting big stars,î says the source. ìJoeís been working on it for months. Itíll end up having a bunch of nobodies if it happens. He was trying to get Meg Ryan to be the Sigourney Weaver character. Itís such a joke. Heís been sending out half-written scripts with personal letters to stars asking them to be in it.î

Because we at CelebNewsWire are crack journalists who will stop at nothing for a story, we got ahold of Scarlett Johansson's trash and found (along with some HIV test results that we are too ethical to publish) this letter:

Dear Scarlett,

There is a role in my Jessica's new movie, Blonde Ambition, that I think would be perfect for you. The main requirement is an ample, luscious bosom. In fact, that is the main requirement for every cast member. And of all the young ladies in Hollywood today, you have one of the most ample, luscious bosoms I can imagine (aside from my Jessica's double-D's, of course. Those things are massive. And so soft and squishy and warm.) Please consult the script that I have enclosed and contact my people with your answer. Jessica and I would really love to work with you. Oh, and I don't know how solid your relationship with your own father is, but I make a wonderful surrogate daddy. Think about it.
Joe Simpson

But the funny thing is, the script that was attached didn't seem to be for Blonde Ambition, but for something called Topless Blonde Peep Show and the only male character was named Joe Simpson.

Jessica frees herself from Papa Joe's clutches at MrSkin.com.

A Jackass and a Stallion Walk into a Bar . . .

Agent E. — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 17:45:40 +0000

So how was your weekend? Did you rent March of the Penguins yet again and coo over how cute the frigid little things are and then spend five hours on eBay trying to find a real stuffed penguin that you could love and cuddle before settling on a used pocket vagina that–let's face it–you will get far more use out of anyway? Well, you didn't have nearly as much fun as Johnny Knoxville and Luke Wilson.

Johnny took time away from ~~not~~ tossing Jessica Simpson's salad to meet up with Luke in a New York dive bar last Friday. A spy told Page Six that they both

"seemed completely out of their minds. On Johnny's way out, he flipped out on a guy who called him a peach and threw the guy into a table, which broke in two. He then hit himself in his own head, as if trying to sober himself up."

After presumably sleeping one off on Saturday, the puffy pair joined up again on Sunday afternoon for some pool and more boozin'. They both chatted up the lowest level of celebrity prey, the non-famous woman. Shocking! Scandalous! We should revoke their SAG cards! Wilson, being the less smooth of the Stallion Brothers, struck out then left the bar without paying his check and was rustled up by the barkeep to fork over some of his My Dog Skip residuals. Bet those penguins and that pocket pussy are looking pretty damn good right now.

Neither Johnny Knoxville nor Luke Wilson are at MaleStars.com, but they've both been in movies with Selma Blair. She's pretty. And naked at MrSkin.com