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CelebNewsWire’s Top 10 Fakest Celebrity Lips!

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 17:07:49 +0000

Last week, Lindsay Lohan celebrated getting a job by getting a lipful of glop that made her look like she had a couple of Oscar Meyer wieners stapled to her face. We’re not quite sure why Hollywood types think that a droopy, gloopy mouth is alluring, but by God, we’re going to point and laugh at it. After the cut, enjoy our celebration of the floppy gob with CelebNewsWire’s list of the Top 10 Fakest Celebrity Lips!

10. Lindsay Lohan
Yes, this looks like crap, but she’ll let it go back to normal someday. Hopefully. Lindsay’s flirted with fillers before. She’s also flirted with a parking meter before, but cocaine’s a hell of a drug, you know?

9. Jessica Simpson
Jessica had a brief dalliance with Restylane in 2006, but later said, “It looked fake to me. I didn’t like that. It went away in, like, four months. My lips are back to what they were. Thank God!” Too bad she can’t say the same of her career. Oooh, burnnnn.

8. Brittany Murphy
Like Lilo and J-Simp before her, Brittany let her mouth go back to its natural proportions. But in early 2006, the only people who had comparably overhanging upper lips were the Simpsons.

7. Lara Flynn Boyle
That’s awesome that her last name is Boyle because those thingies look two festering boils just begging for you to lance them and release their pustulous bounty.

6. Melanie Griffith
It’s no secret that Revlon chose her as a spokesmodel because when it comes to selling lipstick, you can’t beat a huge canvas upon which to paint. That’s just, like, advertising 101.

5. Meg Ryan
She was America’s sweetheart. Now she’s America’s grouper. Not a bad deal.

4. Donatella Versace
Time has not been kind to Janice from the Muppets. Life on the road with the Electric Mayhem is a hard life. After Dr. Teeth succumbed to a meth habit and Zoot joined the Children of God cult, it was all downhill.

3. Nikki Cox
Yeah, we don’t even know what the hell is going on here.

2. Priscilla Presley
Perhaps she missed her late husband so much that she wanted her mouth to forever imitate his signature lip curl.

1. Lisa Rinna
Excuse me ma’am but there is a prolapsed butthole on your face. Let me get that for you.

We’ll be doing more lists soon, so subscribe to our RSS feed!

Grant Show Would Not Stoop to This Level

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:42:29 +0000

Can you picture Eva Longoria going back to the set of Young and the Restless and begging them to write her character back in? No? How about Lisa Rinna pleading via sandwich board for a role on the Melrose Place remake? Yeah, that sounds about right. Ole Prolapsed Anusface took to the streets of Los Angeles yesterday, donning a homemade sandwich board that read "Honk 4 Lisa Rinna on the New Melrose Place!" And we're pretty sure that casting directors were like, "What's that sound? Car horns? My God! We've been so blind! Get Lisa Rinna's agent on the phone post haste!"

Ringing in the New Year with Small Lycra Triangles

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 17:54:23 +0000

We're not going to be here tomorrow, or Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday. Why? Well, frankly we just don't like you much. So we're metaphorically put a hat and coat on 2008 and usher it out the door while squatting and groaning and letting 2009 slip out of our moist vaginae through the magic of bikini pictures. At left, representing the old, we have television star Lisa Rinna in a bikini. Novelty wax lips aside, lady looks good, but what we really love is the finger-wagging, reminiscent of a grandpa boogying down at the VFW social. Is that the Lindy Hop? And representing the new, here's supermodel of yore Stephanie Seymour in a bikini. Technically Steph is only 5 years younger than Lisa, but she still has the body of a 19 year old so she wins. Plus, she used to date Axl Rose and reportedly he made her pee in a litter box during foreplay. We'd like our new year to be kind of like that.

Lisa Rinna Sez, "Yep, I F'ed up My Face"

Agent E. — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:08:29 +0000

Today is an important and historic day. Lisa Rinna has finally admitted, "OK, you caught me. I shot too much crap into me face." To which we say, "No! Really? We hadn't noticed." In Touch reports (via Faded Youth):

In Touch: So what made you decide to get filler?

Lisa: At my age, you have to look good if you want to continue working. Sometimes we do things to help, and I did. I had tried Botox, and then fillers came into the plastic surgery world, and you think, ìThatís not a bad idea.î

In Touch: What was your reaction when you saw yourself?

Lisa: I thought I looked great. It was a little bit more than normal, but you think itíll go down, so I wasnít scared. But two days ago, I saw a photo of myself at a party and went, ìOh, jeez. I have too much filler.î

In Touch: Is there anything you can do about it?

Lisa: I see that itís too much, so Iím going to lay off. I donít want to look weird! Itíll go down in three months. And of course Iíll stick with my doctor here in LA. Iíve seen him for years and he knows me best.

What's next? Is Amy Winehouse going to hold a press conference and declare, "You know what, guys? I'm finally ready to admit it. I smoke too much crack. You've been right all along."

Lisa Rinna Thinks She's Sexy

Agent E. — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 17:50:53 +0000

We have had an inordinate amount of sexy stories thus far this week. It's all been about sex and tits and Britney's pussy and Madonna's penis. So we're taking a stand! No more sexy! We want anti-sexy! So thank you, Lisa Rinna, for providing us with images that will make penii shrivel up and crawl into themselves until every man who gazes upon them has a dick the size of a Mike & Ike. We were hoping for some emasculation today.

We wonder exactly how much money Lisa spent to look so inhuman. It's kind of like visiting the animal display in a really low-budget museum where all of the creatures are made from stuffed animals covered in shellac and Clinique products. And then seeing the leopard come to life and molest itself. Yes, that's exactly what's it's like. Only a little less surprising and pleasant.

Need more Rinna? Head over to Drunken Stepfather.