CelebNewsWire» Lindsay Lohan Archives – CelebNewsWire

Lilo and Greasy Hit the John for Fun

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:28:21 +0000

This morning we woke up and felt like something was missing in our lives. Something large and clammy and teeming with riches. Then we sparked up the old computer and lo and behold, a big fat pouty meatball named Brandon Davis was back in our lives! X17 has pictures and a video of Greasy Bear doing a bump of cocaine off his hand in a bathroom, while Lindsay Lohan wanders around aimlessly in the background. Remember when he called her Firecrotch and she hated him? Coke brings people together better than peace and understanding. Lindsay hit Twitter and fired back:

“hahaha x17online posted photos of NOT ME inside someone’s bathroom…
All negativity & bad karma..nice try though kids-u should do a deal with michael lohan sr a match made in heaven! perfect, he’s religious!”

There are pictures, dopey. It’s you. Blaming an invisible moppet named Not Me didn’t work for Dolly and Jeffy and it’s not working for you.

On our Facebook page, we have an extensive photo gallery of Lilo eating her hand.

Seeing Lindsay Lohan’s Beautiful Face Should Be Payment Enough for Goods and Services

Agent E. — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:50:34 +0000

It’s officially over. What, you ask? Lindsay Lohan’s career. But how do we know? Is it because we are other-level geniuses who see into the eye of celebrity and discern all of its most closely guarded secrets? Well, yes, but also because we read People. That tells us a lot. Like how Lindsay wasn’t able to get free hooch. Sure, straight-to-ABC-Family movies are bad, but getting denied free booze truly signals the end of a celebrity’s career. The sages at People (via PopEater) report that Lindsay freaked when an L.A. bar had the audacity to ask her to pay for two bottles of champagne she and a friend downed. A source said:

When the bartender gave her a bill, she had a meltdown. She was yelling at him and screaming profanities at everyone. The bar insisted she pay, so she had to call a friend with her credit-card information.

She was crying and wanted to go home. She kept saying ‘I don’t pay for drinks! This is ridiculous! I’m freaking out!’

We’re really hoping that some savvy director will use this tactic to their advantage. Lindsay will show up on set (a few hours late, but she’ll be there eventually) and work for a few days. Then she’ll be like, “Hey, I need to make an installment on these fish lips I bought, I should see where my paycheck is.” Then she’ll approach the director and ask why she hasn’t gotten paid yet and he’ll be all like, “I don’t pay for actors! This is ridiculous! I’m freaking out!”

CNW Junk Drawer: Sammy Snow-sa

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:27:50 +0000

Sammy Sosa used to be a Dominican dude, right? Not a Cullen-white green-eyed guy? We didn’t just make that up? (Gabby Babble)
It’s all right cuz she’s saved by the fetus: Tiffani (-Amber) Thiessen is with child. (PopEater)
Lilogate continues: in more tapes, Lindsay Lohan’s charming and selfless parents allege that she was porking Heath Ledger when he died. Riiiiight. (Celebitchy)
Pete Wentz says that he was unable to write music after his son was born. Quick, Ashlee! Have more babies stat! (Angry Ape)
Please, God. Please, please, please. If you exist, you’ll let this be true: A-Rod has hanging in his home a painting of himself as a centaur. (LA Times)
Carrie Prejean has a sex tape. CelebNewsWire doesn’t give a shit. (Bitten and Bound)
Katy Perry has “RUSTY” written on her ass, apparently to broadcast her love of the rusty trombone. (Fatback)
Jennifer Lopez is blocking the release of her sex tape. Blocking it with her big huge giant ass? (Mr. Skin)
Paz de la Huerta is naked in the upcoming Limits of Control. We’re talking full NSFW pissflaps here, people! (Nudography)

CNW Junk Drawer: They Tried to Make Me Go to Silicone Rehab

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:08:20 +0000

Amy Winehouse has traded needles in the arm for needles in the boobs and lips. (The Blemish)
Rachel Bilson sports Gwyneth Paltrow-style greaseball legs in Flaunt. (Yeeeah!)
James Gandolfini assaulted a paparazzo. Sadly, he later found out that the photog was not, in fact, carrying any nachos on him so it was all for naught. (Anything Hollywood)
Strap on your lucite and jump into a puddle of bronzer–it’s the Shauna Sand sex tape preview! (Nudography)
Tom isn’t the only Cruise who likes a phallic object in the mouth. (Allie Is Wired)
Kelly Brook places crumpets over her crumpets. Then we will eat dunk them in our milk. And other gross metaphors. (Mr. Skin)
Australia is pissssssed about Britney Spears lip synching. (Amy Grindhouse).
Chris Martin calls Kate Bosworth Gwyneth’s “younger version”. And then he porked her. (Celebitchy)
Sandra Bullock in custody battle for porn star’s kid. God, that sentence was awesome. (Hollywood Gossip)
Michael Lohan wants to release more Lindsay tapes. Yeah, that’ll help. (Pop on the Pop)
Stop being an asshole and be our pal on Facebook.

Lindsay Lohan Is Right. You Heard Us.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:17:04 +0000

Yesterday, Radar released some voicemails from Lindsay Lohan to her mesh shirt-favoring father figure, Michael Lohan. We didn’t post them because they made us real sad in our souls but today Lindsay’s addressing them so fuck it, here they are. A transcript:

“No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it . . . Mommy says that I’m worse than you were. And she’s defending . . . She doesn’t back me . . . she doesn’t stand by me.”

These words were peppered with painfully heart-wrenching sobs and honestly, when we listened, we honestly tossed around the idea of quitting our near-constant Lindsay-skewering. But then we’d be the nice blog, and Celebitchy’s already holding that title, so scurrilous we remain.

Lindsay took to Twitter and responded to the voice mails, saying:

“My fathers [sic] such a loser & those recordings are from years ago. To release personal things is foul enough, but to edit them … I used to think that he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he’s [sic] needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN”

He does need that book. It’s worked wonders for us. After we read it we started quoting Tucker Max and sitting on the subway with our legs spread comically wide apart and now we make 76 more cents an hour!

Lindsay won’t tweet at us. Will you? Twitta atcha boy!

Lindsay Lohan Returns to the Comfort of Cock

Agent E. — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 16:22:47 +0000

And she’s back on the dick. We knew it wouldn’t be very long before Lindsay Lohan was drawn back to the mystical allure of the peen. It’s one of her many, many addictions. That Sam Ronson poon? That was just an experiment. Plus, we haven’t exactly seen proof that Sam possesses an actual vagina. For all we know she could be smooth as a Ken doll down there, perhaps with a surgically implanted dildo. Hey, we’re not God. We don’t know why certain people are born different. But anyway, Lindsay has supposedly hooked up with a few dudes recently. We told you about great (and tooootally available) catch Balthazar Getty. Now she’s on to some random model dude and Gerard Butler. Says the Daily Mail:

The Scottish actor, 39, was spotted kissing the 23-year-old Mean Girls star at a lavish party to mark the opening of the Mazagan Beach Resort in Morocco on Saturday night.

The pair spent much of the night dancing and flirting in the hotel’s Sanctuary nightclub before eventually leaving the party together in a golf buggy, according to an onlooker.

Before she was whisked away, Lindsay told the Mirror: ‘He’s hot, he’s mine! I’ve got no ring on my finger so I’m going to have lots of fun. This is the most romantic place in the world.’

However, another party-goer said Gerard was busy flirting with lots of women, and that they didn’t lock lips.

This actually makes total sense.The daddy issues are covered. He’s probably completely domineering, which is right up Lindsay’s alley. And we’re totally skeeved out any time we see a picture of either of them. So bravo.

Lindsay Lohan: Bitey! Just one of the quality photo albums available on our Facebook page.

Lindsay Lohan, Rug Lunch Muncher

Agent E. — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:38:59 +0000

We’ve seen Lindsay Lohan do a lot of things. Show her titties when she’s not getting paid. Not show her titties when she is getting paid. Get paid for covering other people’s titties in sparkly pasties. But for the life of us we cannot remember ever seeing this before. It’s Lindsay Lohan eating! We were pretty convinced that she subsisted on slut butts, Coke Zero, and the occasional Tic Tac. But behold! The beast requires actual calories! There appears to be mastication going on. Is this the moment when we realize that Lindsay is still human and not some sort of Madame Tussaud’s wax figure slowly sucking the life source from Donatella Versace until she is able to pass as a real girl?

Do you like pictures of celebrities eating? Of course you do. Find more on our Facebook page.

Lindsay Lohan’s Side Boob Better than Lindsay Lohan’s No Boob

Agent E. — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:33:14 +0000

Usually when actresses get all made up and take off various pieces of clothing to pose all pretty for a magazine, it’s because they’ve got something to sell. A new movie coming out. A new season of their TV show is about to start. They just wrote a book about their harrowing journey out of drug abuse. But Lindsay Lohan has none of that. She just likes showing up in magazines and pretending she’s a model. Unless of course this is a really, really subtle plug. Look in that second pic down there. If you look really closely, you can see a bottle of her can tan, Sevyn Nine. Your eyes don’t immediately notice it, but somehow it registers in your brain. And you think, “That skirt that Lindsay’s wearing is a really nice color. I wish my skin could be that shade. If only there were a product on the market capable of helping me achieve this goal.” And then the next time you’re at CVS or Barney’s or wherever the fuck they sell this shit, you’ll feel compelled to pick up a bottle. Now that’s marketing!

When Lindsay looks especially pretty, we put pictures of her on Facebook. Join us, won’t you?

Dear Lindsay, I’m in a Magazine! Love, Daddy

Agent E. — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:46:21 +0000

How is it that Michael Lohan continues to shock us? We know he’s the creepiest creep who ever creeped among creepazoids, yet every time he takes his creepiness a step further we’re all, “WTF, Mike?” Today’s creepy goings-on involve Michael writing a personal letter to Lindsay—and publishing it in In Touch. According to Contact Music:

His letter, published in the new issue of In Touch, begins with an apology for “the pain and inner turmoil that I am responsible for, for being away in prison or getting divorced from Mom.”

Calling Lindsay “my blessed daughter,” the born-again Christian adds, “I have held your vacant body in my arms, felt the tears fall down your face, and I tried every way to make you see what is happening to you.

“I have helped so many others ’successfully,’ Linds, please, Honey, let me help you. Let me help you get your life back so that you can build it to where you once were.”

He concludes by writing, “God bless us all in this time of need. I hope and pray to hold ‘my Lindsay’ in my arms once again. Soon. Love Dad.”

So what’s Michael Lohan’s next step? Obviously he’s going to start a talk show with a cardboard cutout of Lindsay as his guest host. And every time he asks her a question and is met with a blank, papery stare instead of the Kelly Ripa-like exuberance that he’s hoping for, he’ll say, “See! See what that evil witch Dina has done to my daughter? She’s so drugged out she can’t even respond to her daddy’s questions.” And then he’ll throw his arms around her, crushing her fake frame into jagged folds and sob, “Why, Lindsay? Why won’t you let me help you? We can film your whole recovery and make millions! I mean, we can help millions of people. Don’t you want to help people?”

You like that Lindsay pic up there? Did you know you can see more just like it in an installation piece we like to call “Lindsay Lohan: Bitey!” on Facebook? Did you know that you can also become our fan and see lots of pretty pictures there? Well, now you do.

Michael Lohan Is a Really Great Dad

Agent E. — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:02:32 +0000

You’ve got to hand it to Michael Lohan; it takes another-level type douchebag to make Dina Lohan look like the sensible parent. But even though Dina is the next incarnation of Jaid Barrymore, she can always count on Michael threatening to kidnap their kids to make her look good less abhorrent. According to The San Francisco Chronicle, Michael wants to stash Lindsay away in the woods to scare the boogeyman, or at least the booger sugar, out of her:

In an interview with X17online.com, Michael said, “If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight. But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”

On Monday, People.com reported Lindsay was seeking a restraining order against her dad, with a source claiming she was “scared” and had instructed her lawyer Shawn Holley Chapman to prepare the legal papers.

But Michael insists his comments were “twisted” to mean something more sinister and is adamant he would never force Lindsay to do something against her will.

He tells Newsday, “I just meant I’d like to detox her myself … but of course I’d get arrested.

“People will twist my words to mean what they want. The bottom line is, Lindsay needs help, and no one wants to do anything.”

“I didn’t mean I’d kidnap her, really. I was just going to sneak up behind her when no one was looking, throw a burlap sack over her head, force her into my Camero, and haul her off to a secret location way out in the desert. You know, normal father-daughter stuff.”

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