"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about. Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career. You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road. It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon."

Oh, but when it does, what a glorious fairy tale it will make! "Once upon a time there lived a little girl named Vickie Lynn. Vickie wanted to get away from the evil troll with a crustache so she planted magic beans in her chest and danced around an enchanted pole at a castle called Jaguars. Then she met a wizened king named J. Howard Marshall who took Vickie Lynn and gave her diamonds and rubies and beautiful gowns. But then he died and she met a bad monster named Howard who wanted to take all her rubies and diamonds and gowns. After traveling to the land of Trimspa, Vickie's son, Prince Danny, died fighting a dragon named Methadone. And then Vickie went to sleep for a very, very long time. Oh, and here are her panties."

Princess Anna Nicole is very naked at MrSkin.com.

ï And speaking of Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of The L Word. (The Superficial)

ï The results are in: Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (TMZ)

ï Godspeed to you, Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (IMDb)

ï Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (Cityrag)

ï Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (Celebitchy)

ï Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring Eva Longoria! (PopCrunch)

ï Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (Derek Hail)

ï J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (Evil Beet)

ï Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (The Blemish)

ï Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or can you? (Daily Stab)

They'd either be a match made in heaven or the biggest disaster since the Titanic, but according to an insider, Larry Birkhead has a crush on Britney Spears. "I think Britney is sexy," he tells In Touch. The insider says, "Larry has a thing for vulnerable blondes – and no one seems more vulnerable than Britney these days," adding that Larry finds being a single dad challenging, and is looking to date a single woman with children.

We haven't seen the final copy of the In Touch interview yet, but we hear that Larry went on to declare that liver and onions are delicious, dog poop smells really good, and Angelina Jolie is a disgusting piece of trash that would never, ever like to stick his penis into.

Totally gaytastic drawing of Larry and Howard via Pretty on the Outside.

So, Larry Birkhead might have been giving head to Howard K. Stern. We still haven't entirely digested the alleged dick ingestion yet, so we'll head over to The New York Daily News for a full round-up.

An explosive tell-all book about Anna Nicole Smith's sad demise alleges the two men who battled for custody of her baby girl and control of her fortune were gay lovers.

The bombshell allegations about the steamy relationship between the former Playboy Playmate's longtime companion Howard K. Stern and her baby's biological father, Larry Birkhead, come to light in "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death."

Sordid passages in the soon-to-be released book by former MSNBC journalist Rita Cosby describe how Anna Nicole and her friend allegedly caught Stern and Birkhead with their shirts off and their pants around their ankles in a Los Angeles home.

Jackie Hatten, described in the book as one of Anna Nicole's closest friends, said the men were engaged in oral sex.

"Their bodies were intermingled," Hatten says, according to a copy of the book obtained by the Daily News. "It was obvious what was happening."

The shocking book accuses Birkhead and Stern of cutting a secret deal after Anna Nicole was buried in March, with Birkhead getting custody of Dannielynn in return for Stern being named executor of the star's estate.

Birkhead and a lawyer for Stern both vehemently denied the accusations in Cosby's book yesterday – and vowed to drag her into court, setting the stage for an ugly legal battle.

"None of it is true," Birkhead told The News. "I'm gonna sue Rita Cosby for it."

The former stripper knew both Birkhead and Stern were gay, the book alleges. But Smith, who was obsessed with Marilyn Monroe, chose Birkhead as her lover because she wanted a blond, blue-eyed baby, according to Cosby.

The tell-all claims Anna Nicole would spread out on her bed and watch a video allegedly showing Birkhead and Stern having oral sex "over and over" while Stern worked on his computer in their Bahamas home. The existence of the video was confirmed by a source yesterday.

Stern is portrayed in Cosby's book as a jealous, money-grabbing control freak who manipulates the erratic blond beauty's celebrity status for his own financial gain.

As her life spun out of control after the death of her son, Daniel, last September, Stern kept Anna Nicole hidden from friends and forced the heavily drugged model to sign stacks of paperwork, the book claims.

His alleged "goodie bag" of meds – including Vicodin, Valium, morphine and Demerol – were never far from reach.
"He was the pharmacist and [the bag] was the drugstore," Anna Nicole's ex-boyfriend Ben Thompson told Cosby.

Oh, and if that's not enough for you, the book also claims that Anna Nicole thought that Howard may have poisoned her son Daniel.

In her most desperate moments, Anna Nicole Smith feared that her lawyer boyfriend Howard K. Stern played a role in her only son's death, a shocking new book about the former Playboy Playmate's demise alleges.

Former employees of the ex-stripper claim they heard her screaming at Stern, "You did this! You killed him! You caused this!" as the couple waited for the coroner to determine how Daniel Smith died in 2005, the book says.

Our only remaining question is how much will Red Light eventually shell out for the Howie on Larry (or vice versa; we're not sure) sex tape, and will it be grosser than Saved by the Smell? Probably, as we're assuming that both men spend more time staring at photos of themselves on the cover of Us Weekly than paying attention to their partner.

See Anna Nicole in happier, naked times at MrSkin.com.

An angry Larry Birkhead has vowed to sue author Rita Cosby, days before an explosive tell-all is set to hit bookstores. In "Blonde Ambition," Cosby charts the convoluted custody battle between Birkhead and lawyer Howard K. Stern, who both claimed paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl, Dannielynn. And while Cosby has not released details of the book before its Sept. 4 publication, it is believed she will allege Birkhead and Stern were secretly in collusion over the child. Dannielynn, who turns 1 on Sept. 7, could inherit hundreds of millions from the estate of Smith's late husband, J. Howard Marshall. "None of it is true," Birkhead told The News' Jo Piazza yesterday. "I'm gonna sue Rita Cosby for it." In March, Birkhead acrimoniously split with his attorney Debra Opri. She later sued for allegedly unpaid fees, though Birkhead insists it is she who owes him money. Birkhead said he believes Opri was the source of documents Cosby obtained, "so I am going to be suing both Debra and Rita Cosby. The bottom line is Rita Cosby needed something to do. She got fired [from MSNBC in 2006], and nobody wanted her." Meanwhile, OK! magazine severed ties with Birkhead over the Cosby allegations. The weekly was to have featured coverage of Dannielynn's first birthday as the final part of a $1.7 million access deal. Editor Sarah Ivens said: "It breaks my heart that OK! has to pull out of [the] shoot … but first and foremost, we care dearly about the well-being of the young one, and my moral obligation lies with her…. My biggest fear is that Larry and Howard may have tricked us all."

This makes us so giddy that we can't even think of a joke. And since Larry Birkhead and (especially) Howard K. Stern (that asshole) are jokes themselves, we think the story stands. We just have one question: If they were in it together all along, trying to create as much publicity buzz as possible to get Extra and OK! and whatnot to hand over piles of cash, why couldn't they have taken it even farther? Would it have killed them to gift us with a Jell-O wrestling match?

ï Larry Birkhead thinks Dannielynn has her mom's pouty lips, long legs and chubby toes. Jury's out on who she takes after in the implant and veneer department, though. (I'm Not Obsessed)

ï Britney stormed out of a photo shoot in a huff, never to return. Turns out they only had honey BBQ pretzel bites, not the buffalo ranch. (Daily Stab)

ï German magician attempts to make Pam Anderson's breast ooze its way out of her bathing suit. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï You know David Hasselhoff's ex-wife must be insanely f'ed up, because he got sole custody of the kids. Yaaaay, it's cheeseburger night! (Star Herpes)

ï An odd fashion choice, even for Ashley Olsen. Perhaps she has joined a harem and is planning on seducing the sheik with her mysterious, semi-sheer, snakelike undulations. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï How Jessica Simpson lost the baby Mayer weight. (IMDb.com)

ï Here are some surprisingly hot pictures of Lindsay Lohan taken by Bryan Adams. Because when you want to sex up your image, where else to turn than a pockmarked Canadian adult contemporary artist? It makes perfect sense. (Egotastic!)

ï Jennifer Garner may have allowed Ben Affleck to ejaculate into her vaginal canal during ovulation again. (FemaleFirst)

ï Angelina got more ass between juice breaks in kindergarten than you're getting now. (Bricks and Stones)

ï Victoria Beckham is aging like a fine wine–kinda sourly. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï The Lohan says that she is the protector of the family. She protects them by horfing rails. (A Socialite's Life)

ï The people of India are angry at Richard Gere after he kissed Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty in public. Hey, they were lucky he didn't greet her by pantsing her and cramming a shaved hamster up her can. (IMDb)

ï Jessica Alba, caught making out with a real dog. (MollyGood)

ï Sabrina the Teenage Ass Crack. (Taxi Driver)

ï Heather Mills fall down go boom! (Yeeeah!)

ï John Travolta equates his level of fame to that of Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. Um, try Marilu Henner or John Ratzenberger. (The Blemish)

ï Paris is scared that jail time will ruin her career. Her career consists of showing up to parties thrown by beverage companies, so we're pretty sure she'll be fine. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

ï Larry Birkhead cuddles his $weet little $ugarpie. (TMZ)

1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style — photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.

The rest of Candy's sage words can be found at TMZ, and, no, there is nothing in there about how much time you will save by having an entire room filled with wrapping paper, silk ribbons, and pastel-colored crepe paper.

UPDATE: And it's the shocker of the century as Larry Birkhead is revealed as Dannielynn's father. The whole Anna Nicole saga with the drugs and the death and the mystery and the money has been so convoluted and so full of twists that we half expected a talking kangaroo named Jimbo to emerge at the last minute as the true father. We're kind of disappointed, actually.

Re-mam-ber Anna Nicole at MrSkin.com.

Virgie Arthur challenged a ruling to bury Smith in Nassau, and her appeal was heard yesterday morning. But judges at Florida's Fourth District Court Of Appeals overruled Arthur's bid for custody of her daughter's remains late yesterday, re-awarding the corpse to attorney Richard Milstein, the legally-appointed guardian to Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn. Milstein, Smith's companion Howard K. Stern and her ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead had already agreed to bury the late model in the Bahamas, her adopted home.

"Awarding the corpse" is such a strange turn of phrase. "Yaaay! I won!!!" But we're just glad that Anna's wishes were taken into consideration and that her body will be laid to rest next to her son. This is not the first time that Anna Nicole's body has been laid, but it will certainly be the last. Zing! Oh, we hate ourselves.

Still need more ANS? Get thee to MrSkin.com. Post haste!