ï David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

ï Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

ï Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

ï I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

ï Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

ï Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

ï Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

ï Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.

ï Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

ï Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

ï Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

ï Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

ï Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

ï Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

ï That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

ï Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?