CelebNewsWire» Kylie Minogue Archives – CelebNewsWire

Courtney Love's with the Band, Kylie Minogue Gets Faced

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 17:50:40 +0000

So it turns out that Courtney Love's new Gollumesque physique might not, in fact, be the work of steamed salmon and downward dogging, but a stretchy band around the stomach. Pick your jaw up off the floor and read on to find out about her post-gastric band wooing technique and get a sneak preview of Kylie Minogue's head-scratchingly curious facial reinvention. Mmm, she still has that new-face smell!

Of Courtney's deeply disturbing rib rumples, the New York Post quotes a source:

"[Courtney is] telling people she got the gastric band surgery. She even said she had to sleep with a towel by her because the surgery makes her [vomit] all the time and is worried she won't be able to make out with anyone because of her breath." But a rep for Love, who says she's dragged him to healthy macrobiotic restaurants, insists, "Not true. She says she never got surgery."

Haha, if Courtney did indeed have a prospective paramour sleeping next to her, we're sure he would be like, "She's barfing all over herself in the middle of the night. Thank God for that TOWEL, otherwise she'd be pretty gross."

Speaking of pretty and/or gross, dig these pictures of three-apples-high Kylie Minogue at an H&M opening in China recently:

Keeping in mind that she used to look like this:

What's new there? Duff veneers? Eye lift? We can't put our finger on it, but if we did it would be kind of slick and make a sound like two balloons rubbing against one another. But we're contractually obligated to stop typing now because Kylie is freshly cancer-free and therefore untouchable, gossip-wise. She could bust into the children's ward at a hospital in Afghanistan and steal all the toys from amputee toddlers and smear her own feces over the walls, and when she was arrested, everyone would say, "How dare you! She's a survivor!"

Courto's old self is naked at MrSkin.com.

So's Kylie!

CNW Junk Drawer: Freakishly Huge Testicles

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 17:22:48 +0000

ï Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T.

ï Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.

ï Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.

ï Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.

ï Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.

ï Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.

ï Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.

ï Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.

ï Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!

ï Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."

CNW Junk Drawer: "Animal"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 17:28:48 +0000

ï Diana Ross would like to give singing lessons to Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. We can only imagine how that would go. "No, honey, more nasal! I said MORE nasal! That's too classically perfect and on-pitch, girl; could you maybe get a slightly whinier tone there?"

ï James Brown died last week, and his wife, Rae Hynie, was immediately locked out of their home, as she's apparently not his "legal" wife. Funny story, but you know what's funnier? The name "Hynie". What's funnier than that? "Hynie-Brown".

ï Kim Kardashian might have a sex tape. With Brandy's brother. Who calls himself "Ray-J Jawn". Talentless rich girl engaged in coitus on video with no-name dude attached to penis? Sounds like a recipe for superstardom!

ï You will look at these pictures of Jessica Biel forming the camel toe in a bikini, and you will want to have sexual intercourse with her, but she would pick you up and smash you against her forehead and toss you, crumpled flat, in a pile.

ï Paris Hilton calls Britney "Animal". Not because of her penchant for partying, but because of her red fur, proficiency at drumming, and tendency to shout "WO-MAN!"

ï Pamela Anderson dresses up as Santa for the holidays. If Santa were a woman with staggeringly overstuffed fake breasts and flashed, panty-clad crotch. Which, we hear, is how he's usually depicted in traditional Norwegian folklore.

ï Adam Brody muses on Bilson, Barton; gets munchies.

ï Kylie Minogue. She sure does like to fuck.

ï Mr. Skin raps to the Sun-Times about Salma Hayek's cans and Ali Larter's thong.

ï Goddammit, Tara, you told us that you fixed that crap!

ï Eva Longoria says that fame is like a hurricane. And that she'd like to maybe experience it someday, God willing. Hee hee hee hee hee.

ï Christina Aguilera bought a shit ton of baby junk for Puffy Diddo's newly-minted twin girls. Hopefully included amongst the gifts were a couple of new names.

CNW Junk Drawer: "Scarlett Is a Cunt"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 17:34:45 +0000

ï Macauley Culkin and That '70s Show's Mila Kunis have been shopping for engagement rings and getting ready to create the dirtiest sounding hyphenated surname ever: Kunis-Culkin. Penis-Cockin'? Pubis-Caulking?

ï Kim Raver: nice boob. We mean, shirt.

ï PopBitch sez: "Jake Gyllenhaal was in London last week to promote Jarhead. He was without on-off love Kirsten Dunst but quickly had another girl in tow, whom he attempted to impress by telling her he'd also shagged Chelsea Clinton." Well, we're impressed. And by "impressed", we mean "the opposite of impressed".

ï Listen, Lindsay, you had your moment as Owner of the Best Breasts in Young Hollywood but you blew it, OK? You fucked it up. Put the Sharpie down and back away from the bathroom wall. The tiara has been passed. The tiara has been passed.

ï White of teeth and gargantuan of boob, Jenna Jameson ruled the AVN Awards.

ï Hey cancer, you can ravage Kylie Minogue's breasts but you will never! Take! That ass!!!

ï Cindy Crawford pix! Actually, Cindy Crawford picks.

Kylie Minogue Diagnosed with Breast Cancer

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 17 May 2005 17:10:01 +0000

Bite-sized pop gnome Kylie Minogue has been forced to cancel the Australian leg of her "Showgirls" tour after being diagnosed with breast cancer. Sometimes there is a time for snark in the face of disease (like, what if Usher got leprosy of the nutbag? Now that's comedy!), but we sincerely wish Kylie and her boobs a safe and speedy recovery.

Kylie was diagnosed earlier this week in her hometown of Melbourne, Australia, while visiting her family and getting a routine breast exam (which, despite the awkwardness of that last sentence, was not administered by her family). Luckily, the cancer was detected early, but the singer will still have to cancel several dates of her tour while she undergoes immediate treatment. Ever the trouper, Kylie made a statement actually apologizing to her fans for having cancer! Minogue adds, "I was so looking forward to bringing the Showgirl tour to Australian audiences. Nevertheless hopefully all will work out fine and I'll be back with you all again soon," she said. Brits will be delighted to know that Kylie's butt (her can is as obsessed over in the U.K. as J. Lo's is here) has been given the all-clear, however, and will continue to thrill audiences for years to come.

The charming Kylie, nude, at MrSkin.com.

Kylie Minogue and Prince Charles Trade Uplifting Dildo Tales

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 22 Apr 2005 17:40:08 +0000

. . . But whose is bigger? The world may never know.

Thimble-sized pop tart Kylie Minogue found herself seated next to the future King of England at a fundraising dinner. "He had me on one side and the Vogue editor on the other. He spent the first half of the dinner talking to her and then the second half I had him to myself," Miss Loco-Motion related. "I told him this story about how I once performed with Dame Edna creator Barry Humphries. I duetted with him as his character Sir Les Patterson and he chased me round the stage with a large prosthetic penis. The Prince laughed and then told me his Barry Humphries story, which was just as good." Minogue, tease that she is, did not tell Chuckles's story, but simply stated, ". . . it was only when I got home that I though to myself, 'Not many people discuss that kind of subject with Prince Charles.'"

. . . and? And??? That's it, Kylie? Spill it. C'mon, we all know how Prince Charles once famously told Camilla that he longed to be a tampon wedged inside her stately Chunnel. There's nowhere to go but up from there.

Kylie Minogue, nude and dildoless at MrSkin.com.

Kylie Minogue: Pop Star From "Down Under"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 12 Jan 2005 17:26:48 +0000

During Kylie Minogue's recent appearance on a kids' TV show, the children sitting in the front row were treated to oh so much more than her infectious brand of hooky, homosexual-friendly pop when an errant gust of wind blew up the handkerchiefs masquerading as her skirt.

Oscar, Grover, and Big Bird taught children their ABC's, Mr. Rogers taught kids morals and values, and Kylie gives children a cold, hard reality lesson in anatomy. Enjoy.