• Renee Zellweger says she wants a man like a dictionary. Long and hard? Hoo ha! (FemaleFirst)
• Lily Allen shittalks half of England. We’re in love. (Anything Hollywood)
• Megan Fox as an awkward teen. Without the awkward part. (Cityrag)
• Miss California Carrie Prejean topless pictures. She hates gays getting married, but showing boobs is a go. (Celebitchy)
• Douche crown prince Pete Wentz says that Twitter is the “highest form of narcissism”. Higher than taking webcam pictures of your tattooed dick root? (Digital Spy)
• Kiefer Sutherland will be charged with a misdemeanor. Misdemeanor headbutting. God. That sounds so badass. (The Blemish)
• Jon and Kate plus 8 plus Jon’s 23-year-old fuckbuddy. That’s a good show. (Yeeeah!)
• Ellen Pompeo his impacted feces bloating her belly. That or a baby, whatever. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)
• Celebrity gossip mags for some reason feel the need to have Kirstie Alley tell the world how ashamed she is at gaining weight. (Daily Stab)
• Singer/model Cassie gets her computer hacked, nudes leaked, Twitters about it. Titters about it? Oh ho, how droll! (PopCrunch)

IF you think Tom Cruise sounds wacky talking about Scientology being the "authority" on everything, just listen to Kirstie Alley, who's interviewed in the church's official magazine, Source. Alley, listed as a founding member of Scientology's "Super Power Expansion Project," gushes about its Florida summit last summer: "I'm walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different . . . My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of 'mankind' – it really irritated me!" Alley continues: "Then I realized why mankind upset me so much – it's because I wasn't taking responsibility! . . . Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind . . . I've made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I'm going to help this group and help this planet, and it's real . . . I want everybody in the universe to experience this." Whatever you say, Kirstie!

What the hell did she just say? We can't figure it out beyond "People are swell!" We think those L. Ron followers have a plan here. They have their famous people talk and talk to subdue you until you start thinking, "Hey, I don't understand any of that. Maybe I need to head to my nearest Church of Scientology and pick up some of their literature so I can understand what these crazy people are saying." Then in your quest to be educated, you enter the "church", are whisking into an auditing room where you are given a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup, and are unable to return to the warmth and safety of your home until you've given up $5000, two days of your life, and your free will. We're on to you, Scientology.

"If you leave this room after seeing this film and walk out and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you can do it. You can also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out. That is your choice."

Well, OK! Blam!

Here's what we don't get: Scientology is notorious for bleeding its followers dry financially, and for its palaces of solid gold and opulent conventions. You'd think they'd have more than $55.84 in the budget to spend on a recruitment video. The star power is impressive, but we think they'd have a better chance of converting people if they threw some CGI in there. Maybe some spaceships. An evil intergalactic overlord. And, oh, we dunno, Barry Pepper. Oh, wait, such a Scientology training video does exist; it's called Battlefield Earth!

Whew. Sorry. We're practicing for our big Pat O'Brien Halloween costume. (We've already got the hookers and coke part down pat).

It's kind of funny how Jennifer Aniston keeps denying her relationship with her The Breakup costar, jolly bloatbag Vince Vaughn, since they're seen every other week touching and kissing and loving and snogging and licking and drooling. The two were most recently spotted right here in our charming little two-horse, one-sheriff town of Chicago, backstage after something bearing the unfortunate name of "Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Tour". A source told People that the two were "dancing, eyes locked, before kissing and making out as bodyguards shooed the crowd away," and then

"At the party after the show, Vaughn grabbed Aniston around the waist, pulled her to his side and told a few friends, 'She's the best!' while rubbing her back. He later gave her a kiss on the temple, and the two proceeded to make out."

We bet Brad was steaming after hearing about that! Actually, he probably steamed for about .39287 second, then looked between his legs and saw Angelina Jolie and proceeded to not give a shit again.

In not-so-pretty-people news, the perpetually surprised Al Pacino is rumored to be throwing it into perpetually irritating Scientologist Kirstie Alley. According to Star, the bizarro couple were seen at the Chateau Marmont, looking "as if they were on a date". What do people like Al Pacino and Kirstie Alley do on a date? We can only assume that it involves pig's blood. And cackling. A lot of cackling.

Jen Aniston! Naked! At MrSkin.com.

Kirstie Alley! Also naked! At MrSkin.com.

Al Pacino, too! At MaleStars.com.

Imagine a world in which Vin Diesel roamed the earth, gallantly lending a bemuscled hand wherever injustice against the downtrodden and zaftig was found! 'Tis the stuff of dreams. 'Tis the stuff of a John Lennon song, never to be written.