When you're as unlucky in love as Jennifer Aniston, the last thing you want is some flirty young blonde chasing after your bloke.

So it's no wonder the Friends star sent Kimberly Stewart packing when she tried to sneak backstage at John Mayer's recent gig.

But it took dim Kim some time to get the message – she got kicked out TWICE.

John clearly has a bit of history with the model as all hell broke loose when clingy Jen spotted 28-year-old Kim backstage while John was warming up for Sunday's Hard Rock Calling gig in London's Hyde Park.

Ever the gent, John tried to defuse the situation by getting his security to boot out Kim.

And as the bouncers chased after Kim, Jen, 39, eyeballed her rival to warn her off John.

Our spy says: "Jennifer spotted Kimberly and asked John what she was doing there.

"John and Kim know each other from clubbing in LA, but Jennifer doesn't want anyone around who reminds her that he used to be a player.

"She has fallen head over heels for John, but she's scared it will all go wrong again.

"Another woman stole her man before when Angelina Jolie started dating Brad Pitt – she couldn't bear it to happen again."

But Kim wasn't giving up without a fight…

Ten minutes after being told to leave, she was on the side of the stage, waving at John and cheekily catching Jennifer's eye while she was taking photos of her fella.

We hear: "She had been told twice by security that she would be removed but she stood there bold as brass.

"Jennifer was on the opposite side of the stage and John felt like piggy-in-the-middle.

"He saw the tension and told his bouncers to get rid of her at all costs.

"Kim was pulled off the stage and escorted through the Hard Rock VIP tent with a face like thunder, shouting: 'Why doesn't he want me here? Is this because of her?' "She totally embarrassed herself, but Jen looked relieved."

Somehow we can't see these ladies being best Friends anytime soon…

We understand Jennifer Aniston's desire to not be in the same room as Kimberly Stewart, even if that room is filled with two thousand other people. Kim was once friends with Paris Hilton, so you never know what sort of toxins she emits into the air, and Jen likes to keep her lungs pure. But feeling threatened that Kim will steal her boyfriend? Obviously Jen was powerless to fight the force of Angelina Jolie, as she crushes all libidos in her wake and turns men to quivering puddles of jizz, but Kimbo Stewart? That's like being worried that Amy Winehouse is going to steal your refrigerator full of nutritious fruits and vegetables.


Jen gets bare at MrSkin.com.

But thankfully our navigational instincts are spot on, as we've discovered the pairing of Jude Law and Kimbo Stewart. Our gossip Peabody, FemaleFirst, reports:

Jude Law has been spotted passionately kissing Kimberly Stewart.

The 'Alfie' actor spent Saturday night (17.05.08) with Rod Stewart's daughter at the One9Five Bar and Nightclub in Essex, South-east England.

One clubber said: "As I walked into the VIP area with my friends I spotted Kimberly getting really passionate with a good-looking guy. She comes in a lot because her dad Rod lives nearby.

"But when she finally pulled away, I could see it was actually Jude Law."

Jude, 35, and Kimberly, 28, arrived at Bar One9Five at around midnight, and began drinking £170 bottles of pink champagne.

One onlooker said: "It caused quite a stir when they walked in. They could barely keep their hands off each other."

After tiring of the bar, the couple went to the nearby One9Five Nightclub.

They drank two more bottles of champagne, and continued to canoodle, but tried their best not to be pictured together. A source said: "I tried to take some pictures of them, as I couldn't believe they were together. However, later in the night, one of his bodyguards came over and took the camera off me and passed it to Jude who deleted most of the snaps."

"Source" may have been shot down, but The Sun managed to snap a few shots, including one with Kimbo heartily grabbing Jude's (sadly understuffed) crotch. Perhaps Kimbo's rep (because you know she has one, despite the apparent absence of a career) will release a statement claiming that Kim was just conducting a bit of personal research. Because growing up with a daddy named Rod makes you abnormally fixate on other men's rods.

ï Bridget Moynahan is such a bitch, getting pregnant when she did so the baby's due date coincided with her then-boyfriend's future Brazilian supermodel girlfriend's birthday. How dare she? How dare she? (The Blemish)

ï Kelly Clarkson snacks upon weed cookies. (Cityrag)

ï Scary Spice is set to marry her new boyfriend, who has a "much bigger cock" than Eddie Murphy. Yeah, but IS he a much bigger cock than Eddie Murphy? Ho ho, we thought not. Wait, what? (Bossip)

ï Being pregnant totally grossed out Jaime Pressly. Awesome, because her naming her son "Dezi" totally grossed us out. And now we're even. (Celebitchy)

ï Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for "exhaustion". Because sitting on comically giant piles of money and not making any new shows really takes it out of a guy. (Bricks and Stones)

ï Jon Lovitz wiped up a bar with Andy Dick's stupid face. We Lovitz! (Derek Hail)

ï Winona Ryder blames shoplifting on drugs. Which would also explain her sexual coupling with Dave Pirner. (Celeb Warship)

ï Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. That's right. Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. (Daily Stab)

ï Selma Blair's boyfriend is rumored to be shopping for rings in preparation for popping the question. Which is better than swabbing your anal ring in preparation for pooping. OR IS IT???? (IMDb)

ï Rachel McAdams and that Notebook guy are also going to get hitched. Mazel tov. (D Listed)

ï Halle Berry bare-ys her berries (kinda) in Esquire. (Egotastic!)

ï Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn: reunited? And it feels so . . . eeeuuughhhh. (Cityrag)

ï Jordan gets her fetus pierced! (Faded Youth)

ï FHM goes heaving on the smoothing tool in Photoshop, makes Kim Stewart look slightly less embarrassing. Young Turks be free tonight indeed! Wait, what does that mean. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï Howard Stern (not K.) luxuriates in the warm, comforting, leathery glow of Don Imus's verbal gaffe. (Radar)

ï Brad and Angelina allegedly purchase $140 million yacht made of marble and gold, because they are Liberace. (PopSugar)

ï Par-ass Hilton. (Taxi Driver)

ï Snoop Dogg is facing up to four years in prison. Comeback album entitled From the Dogghouse to the Big House . . . and Back Again dropping in 2011. (Celebitchy)

ï Jessica Alba busts out her pantaloons to assuage our Dane Cook-assaulted eyes. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)

The rest of the list shaped up a little something like this:

1. Kimberly Stewart
2. Carmen Electra
3. Princess Beatrice
4. Sarah Harding
5. Scarlett Johansson
6. Lindsay Lohan
7. Maria Sharapova
8. Paris Hilton
9. Keeley Hazell
10. Keira Knightley
11. Ivanka Turmp
12. Nicky Hilton
13. Lydia Hearst-Shaw
14. Amanda Hearst
15. Gisele Bundchen
16. Holly Branson
17. Jenna Bush
18. Barbara Bush
19. Britney Spears
20. Kate Moss

We love the addition of Kate Moss. We think that even if she and Doperty get all legal-and-binding married she'll still pop up on these hot-n-single lists. If every single person in the world erases Pete Doherty from their memories maybe it will make him go away. Or least help him end up in prison when he gets arrested for the 48th time in a year.

You like hot and single ladies? Check out Carmen Electra at MrSkin.com and work your way down the list.

Joe Francis called in to Howard this morning to "discuss" his and Paris's pending lawsuit against Parisexposed.com. While he claims he and Paris are not behind the leak, he mentioned the website name numerous times, and Robin and Howard didn't buy it for a minute. Joe sounded extremely drugged up, or hungover, or still drunk?? But then again it was around 8 a.m. Howard time, 5 a.m. Hollywood time…Howard got him to admit that Paris was the best blowjob he'd ever received. When asked who gave the better bj, Paris or Lindsey, Joe responded, "Paris," even though a few statements earlier he claimed, "Lindsey and I are just friends."

When asked who was the worst in bed of all the famous chicks he's slept with (insinuated in this interview: Paris, Lindsey, Kimbo Stewart, Tara Reid) he said Tara was the worst, and when Howard asked why, he went silent again. When asked to explain why he claimed Tara was so bad, he wouldn't come out and say it, but merely mumbled, "…well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable…" Howard then began asking more leading questions like, "So she just laid there?" or "Was it because she had a big smelly loose vagina?" Joe responded, "More or less, yeah."

To conclude such highbrow topics, Joe stated, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site."

If listening to this conversation between Paris Hilton and Nicole Lenz has taught us anything, it's that big loose smelly vaginas are the fault of men who have sex with a lot of girls, thus infecting them all yeastily. Nicole's mom told her, so it's true. And that Paris's wiener never smells, ever.

Sniff Paris at MrSkin.com.

Lohan and her massive cleavage is there, too.

And Tara, naked.

ï Lara Flynn Boyle decorated her razory clavicles with flowers, tied some white ribbons around her prominent ulnae, rubbed some pink gloss on her colossal plastic lips, and got herself married. Mazel tov!

ï Nicolette Sheridan donned sheer hose with no visible pants (aka "pulling an Olsen"). Pauly Shore took a long, hard look. And pop went the Weasel. Groan, sorry.

ï Sienna Miller offers a hot new diet plan to impressionable teenage girls: just drink vodka! Oh, don't look at us like that. It's a much more heathful alternative than the Lohan "strawberry booger sugar diet" or the Nicole Richie "oxygen and carbon dioxide" diet.

ï Or maybe Lohan's on the "energy drink and pretzel diet", how the fuck should we know?

ï Your office holiday party hookup was indiscreet and regrettable, but at least no photographic evidence exists. Christian Slater and Sharon Stone's holiday jaunt isn't faring quite so well.

ï The beautiful, talented, and intelligent Victoria Silvstedt really really hates shirts.

ï We're glad Mollygood agrees with us: Adam Brody's Ian McCulloch hair is kinda hot.

ï Miss USA Tara Connor was nearly stripped of her crown after pageant owner Donald Trump got wind of the fact that she was drinking underage, failed a drug test for cocaine, and was making out with Miss Teen USA in public. When asked why he allowed her to retain her title, Trump said, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

ï Lohan castoff Harry Morton is now feasting on the pink taco attached to Kimberly Stewart.

ï K-Hole es no preggo.

ï Martha Stewart briefly dated Anthony Hopkins, but could not bring herself to cook him fava beans with a nice Chianti.

"One of my daughters was a bit flat-chested so she had implants. She's got a lovely pair now. Nothing wrong with it, I reckon, if it does wonders for a girl's confidence."

Considering the fact that Kimberly Stewart has no skills or talents to speak of–she shops, dates people like Jack Osbourne, Talan Torriero, and Cisco Adler, dances on banquettes and . . . uh . . . uh . . . shops, Rod has no other choice but to pick a physical asset–a store-bought one, even–of Kim's to brag on. It's kind of like the Hollywood version of those "My child is an honor student" bumper stickers. Only Rod's would read "My kid's breasts (and my money!) go to Dr. Irving Fishbein."

How'd Rod the Bod get his nickname? Explore MaleStars.com.

Surprisingly we're going to have to go with Mena on this one.


Mena looks much more fetching–and much more naked–at MrSkin.com.

ï Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

ï IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

ï Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

ï Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

ï Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

ï Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

ï Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we arenít friends.î Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."