Kiefer Sutherland racked up the following $700 bar tab between 7am and 1pm. Yes, those times are correct.

We’ve learned the “24″ star and members of the show’s crew popped into The Spot in San Pedro, California last week after wrapping up a shoot nearby — and they were ready to get their drink on.

According to an employee at the bar, Kiefer was throwing back scotch & Cokes and bought drinks for everybody in the joint — roughly 30 people. The total damage: $500. No food … all booze.  The drinks may have been stiff, but Kiefer wasn’t — we’re told he tipped $200.

FYI: We’re told Sutherland — who has a few DUIs under his belt — was responsible this time and used a designated driver when he left the bar.

Luckily, we haven’t quite made it to the holiday season, so no Christmas trees were sacrificed in the name of partying. Unfortunately, several rubber bats, an anamatronic cackling witch, and the entire jack-o’-lantern population of east 15th street lost their lives in the melee.

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• Kiefer Sutherland will be charged with a misdemeanor. Misdemeanor headbutting. God. That sounds so badass. (The Blemish)
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It happened at an after-party for the Met Costume Institute Gala Monday night. We're told witnesses say the alleged victim — Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCullough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.

However, Brooke's camp says no way:

But Brooke's rep says "nothing happened to her," adding "Jack did nothing inappropriate. It's not clear what caused Kiefer to do what he did."
Witnesses say Kiefer went up to Jack and demanded he apologize to Brooke. Jack allegedly pushed Kiefer and Kiefer then headbutted Jack.

Let's be fair. Kiefer is a notorious sot, and after a few vodka tonics, the sparkling fabulousness of a fashion designer probably looks a lot like a Christmas tree. An insolent, surly Christmas tree.

"Mr. Sutherland is very polite and humble. He was very cooperative during the booking process,î said jail spokesman Officer John Balian. ìHe will be issued an orange jumpsuit, and will be housed alone in a cell, since heíll be a long-term inmate.î Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, heíll be allowed the roam the jail ìabout 75 percent of the timeî ñ rather than be confined to his cell all day ñ though the only time heíll be in contact with other inmates is when heís serving food, said Balian.

Sutherland previously released a statement saying, ìIím very disappointed in myself for the poor judgment I exhibited recently, and Iím deeply sorry for the disappointment and distress this has caused my family, friends and co-workers on 24 and at 20th Century Fox. I appreciate the support and concern that has been extended to me these last weeks both personally and professionally.î

Jail, kitchen duty, disappointment and distress, blah blah whatever, did you get a load of that booking photo? Good Christ, that man is making love to all of us with his eyes. Kiefer is definitely still in the running to become America's Next Top Inmate. "I love this boy. I love him," says Miss J. "The cah-meh-rah luhvs him," Twiggy croons. "Honestly, he's fallen flat for me before, but I can see a real model emerging in this photo. It's remarkable," says Nigel Barker. "THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I WAS JUST COMIN' UP, GIRLFRIIIIIEEEND! LOOK AT THOSE EYES! FIRE! FIRE! THAT'S FIERCE! NO DEAD EYES, JUST FIERCE LIKE THIS! RAWRAWRARWARWARRRRR! LOOK AT MY APRICOT-COLORED WIG! HA HA HA HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! FRIED CHICKEN! DOUGHNUTS! GLARBLELRLSALBER!" says Tyra.

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ï Halle's berries are ripe for the fuckin'. Pluckin'! Pluckin'. (Derek Hail)

ï Kiefer Sutherland is going to jail. God, he is always trying to ape Paris's steez, man. Always. (The Blemish)

ï Man of God proves that Clay Aiken is not gay! By twiddling wieners with him. Or writing a funny letter. Which one is truth and which one is a joke? Find out on the next scintillating installment of . . . Gayken! (Celebitchy)

ï Everybody on earth knows that J. Lo's packin' mad embryo. (CelebWarship)

TMZ has learned that "24" star Kiefer Sutherland was busted on suspicion of DUI in West Hollywood last night, after allegedly blowing more than twice the legal limit of .08. This is the actor's second DUI in the past five years — he was arrested in 2004. By California law, if he's convicted, he must serve a mandatory minimum of five days in jail.

Police sources tell TMZ 40-year-old Sutherland was pulled over around 1:35 AM PST on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly. Sutherland was at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub earlier that evening.

Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail.

We're told Sutherland was "cooperative and mellow" while he was in custody.

Well, obviously this isn't Kiefer's fault. We're sure that he was working undercover as the barfly in the favorite hangout of the Los Angeles chapter of an international terrorist organization and had to get critical information to CTU just as he lost the charge on his cell phone. He had no choice but to commandeer the nearest vehicle and speed to his destination. That, or after a few Jameson shots he heard that Target had just erected their Christmas displays and wanted to make sure those fucking trees paid for what their brethren did to Kim on Xmas 1987.

Kiefer Sutherland sabotaged the release of his own action figure after
setting fire to the prototype on a drunken night out.

The toy, which is modelled on Kiefer's '24' character Jack Bauer, will hit the shops later this year, but would have been out much sooner if the actor hadn't destroyed the original doll during a rowdy night out with friends.

Kiefer told the National Enquirer magazine: "They tried to come out with one a couple of years ago and they sent it to me for my approval.

"We took the doll for out a night to have some fun and we'd had some drinks. We sat it on the corner of the table.

"We started torturing him around 11pm and by 2am we set him on fire in the parking lot.

"We got up the next day and there was just this puddle of wax. His clothes didn't burn, which I thought was pretty cool.

"Then I got a call the next day saying, 'Did you like the doll?' I said, 'Yeah, it was great.' And they said, 'Well OK, good, you've got to send it back to us because that was a prototype. It took the guy a year to make it.'

"I said, 'Well, let me look for it, I think I left it in the trailer.'

"This went on for about a week and then I had to just come clean."

What exactly does a Kiefer Sutherland doll torture involve? Was a vicious bite to the jugular the final pre-melting act? Or did Kiefer employ the use of a teeny, tiny plastic bag placed over mini Jack's face while Kiefer yelled, "Who's behind this? Tell me who made you! Was it Mattel? Hasbro? TELL ME!"

Live out your own Kiefer torture fantasies at MaleStars.com.

ï Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

ï And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

ï Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

ï See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

ï Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

"Every few years something happens in my life that will make me want to write it down. The tattoos have always represented that to me."

Cool, so we're assuming he has one to represent his character in Young Guns, one to represent Julia Roberts ditching him at the altar, one to represent his drunken loathing of hotel Christmas trees. Mystical.

He explained to the UK's Loaded magazine:

"When I was quite young the first tattoo I was going to get was Mickey Mouse in a space helmet. If I had got that one, that would have been the end of it right there. But I ended up finding a Chinese character that represented something personal to me that I liked."

Phew, thank God he was spared the embarrassment of sporting a Disney character inked upon his person, instead opting for the highly original idea of a Chinese character. Let us guess, it means "strength", right? Or "luck". Either way, we're sure it looks great with his other completely unique choices of a dolphin, Grateful bears, a tribal armband, and Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo.

See Kiefer's tattooed flesh: mosey on over to MaleStars.com.