CelebNewsWire» Kenny Chesney Archives – CelebNewsWire

Kenny Chesney, Bangin' Machine. STRAIGHT Bangin' Machine, He Swears.

Agent E. — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 17:25:51 +0000

Undercover baldy Kenny Chesney has a confession to make. He just LOVES banging women. He loves it so much, he broke the three-digit mark long ago. Over a hundred dames, he swears! He's fucked 'em all! Please, please believe him. He bragged to Playboy:

Man, I was over 100 several years ago. There were years when I had a better summer than A-Rod, buddy. You know? I got on the boards quite often.

Oh, no no no. He's not talking about having the sex with women. He's talking about his budding dance career. He knows over 100 dance steps. And the A-Rod he's talking about? Alexei Rodniskov from the Ballet Russe. Kenny is quite the talented twinkle toes.

RenÈe's Just No Good at Fluffing and Folding

Agent E. — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 17:30:55 +0000

Remember when RenÈe Zellweger and Kenny Chesney were married for less time than it took you to get rid of that persistent itch and then they got divorced and RenÈe cited fraud as the reason and everyone just assumed that meant that on her wedding night she walked into the honeymoon suite to find Kenny all naked and sweaty with his roadie Julio? We were all wrong. See, Kenny couldn't fully devote himself to RenÈe because his heart already belonged to another. He'll never love a woman the way he loves a nice pile of clean laundry.

According to gossip sensei FeamleFirst, Chesney said:

I've done my own laundry ever since I was a little kid. I mean my mom worked and she was a single, working mother and so, if I was gonna have clean underwear, I had to do it.
Now I'm so particular that I won't let anybody else touch it.
On the road, (I do it) every day. You've got hours to waste… Usually at the venue, arena or wherever we're playing they have a facility.
I'm one of those people who are addicted to laundry. I'm always doing it… My clothes smell really good.

Before when we thought of the Zellweger/Chesney marriage (which we did often, because it's better than spending another hour trying to coax a conversation out of our Real Doll) we imagined RenÈe at home, eating some chunky monkey while wearing huge satin panties then wiping away tears while shaving her legs as Kenny hit the town dressed in assless leather chaps and a fake Freddie Mercury mustache, making a survey of every gay bar in town. But now we'll have to imagine Kenny sitting in a garishly lit laundromat, rummaging through his man purse for quarters and trying to battle the scourge of static cling.

Spy divorcÈe RenÈe at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: "Baby, I'm Scaring Myself!"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 17:38:52 +0000

ï Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

ï Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

ï RenÈe Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

ï Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

ï Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

ï Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

ï Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

RenÈe Zellweger: 60", 16:9 HDTV Monitor Plasma Display

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 01 Nov 2005 17:44:34 +0000

RenÈe Zellweger's estranged, bald, behatted huzzy Kenny Chesney has likened his wife to a big-screen television. Huh. We always thought of her more as a 10 cup rice steamer. Or a Salad Shooter, perhaps.

When asked about his impending divorce, Chesney recently told American Life magazine:

"It was like opening the door to our house and having someone come in and take your big-screen TV off the wall during the big game, and there's nothing you can do about it."

You may think that likening someone you love(d) to a major household appliance seems a little flip, but this is Kenny Chesney we're talking about. From a man who penned an paean to romantic love entitled "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy", this is a compliment of the highest order.

RenÈe looking sexÈe at MrSkin.com.

Bridget Jones a Singleton Again

Agent E. — Fri, 16 Sep 2005 18:25:20 +0000

Apparently itís the week of absolutely shocking news. First weíre thrown straight out of our rocking chairs by hearing that Kate Moss does cocaine. Now weíre faced with the truly unbelievable news that RenÈe Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are having their marriage annulled. If someone tells us that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruiseís relationship isnít based on love or that Kevin Federline canít even spell ìrelationshipî we may just have a stroke.

Zellweger and Chesney wed a mere four months ago after a courtship that was a little shorter than our last trip to the bathroom, and there have been rumors circulating for the better part of those four months that the couple would not last due to Chesneyís controlling behavior. For once the rumors are true and the marriage is being annulled, with official papers citing fraud as the reason for the annulment. Weíre guessing this could mean one of two things: Either Kenny falsely claimed that he was hung like Dirk Diggler, or before the wedding RenÈe had never bothered to peer under Kennyís ever-present cowboy hat to see that heís bald as Telly Savalas. Or perhaps Chesney was under the impression that he was wedding a whisk broom and when he discovered that Zellweger was not actually made of wood he freaked (Hey, some people have really odd fetishes, and who are we to judge a manís love of lumber?). But the truly frightening thing about this completely predictable celebrity uncoupling is that it was predicted by Dr. Phil. The mustachioed god to housewives everywhere forecasted that Zellweger and Chesneyís marriage would survive a mere four months, and he has been proven right. If weíre not careful Dr. Philís psychic power could upset the entire social order. Fat ladies will put down those Ho Hos and step on a treadmill; emasculated men will learn to say no to their nagging wives and refuse to help with the family scrapbook. The resulting surge in self esteem could transform the entire world.

Now that she's on the market again, check out RenÈe at MrSkin.com.

Bridget Jones: Edge of Divorce

Agent E. — Wed, 27 Jul 2005 17:50:49 +0000

When we first heard that RenÈe Zellweger had married our favorite boot-scooting boogier Kenny Chesney, we made a bet with our cat Mr. Muffleskin over how long the pairing would last. Mr. Muffleskin had no faith in the celebrity union and claimed that it would be over by the time that ham sandwich in our fridge started growing mold, while we felt that RenÈe and Kenny had found true and lasting love. It looks like Mr. Muffleskin may win that bet.

According to a friend of the couple, the marriage is unlikely to last until the first anniversary due to Chesneyís controlling behavior. The friend claims, "RenÈe had never even seen him lose his temper before the wedding, but now they're married he seems to think he can tell her what to do. He doesn't like her hanging out with friends and wants to get her away from L.A. When she tried to redecorate their new home in Connecticut he put his foot down and said it was too expensive and a waste of money." Kenny may be a huge star in the country-music world, but compared to RenÈeís movie-star status and her reported $15 million paycheck from Cold Mountain, heís like the cold leftover coffee in someone elseís lipstick-stained mug to her steaming fresh latte, and heís complaining about her wasting money? He may have had to watch his pennies and not spring for the really pretty cowboy hats before, but heís in the big leagues now. He needs to take some advice from Kevin Federline on spending the Mrs.ís money and live it up in a grand manner before heís served with divorce papers and sent back to hanging out with Travis Tritt and SHeDAISY at the state fair.

Sexy pix of Mrs. Chesney, at MrSkin.com.

RenÈe Zellweger To Become Tawny Kitaen

Agent E. — Fri, 24 Jun 2005 17:37:09 +0000

Now that RenÈe Zellweger has bagged herself a man, she doesnít seem to care about Oscars and pretty dresses and protruding collarbones anymore. Girl just wants to get nekkid and star in some music videos.

Londonís Daily Star newspaper reports that Zellweger is eager to strip down to her knickers for a photo shoot. She told the paper, "It would make a nice change from acting. It is something different. In a way modeling is a lot like acting. A lot of the time you hide behind someone else's guise." We donít care what youíre hiding behind, RenÈe, as long as itís skimpy and sheer (thatís because weíre naughty, plain and simple). Zellweger also wishes to star in a music video for one of her new husband Kenny Chesneyís songs. Personally we canít wait to see the video for Kennyís cover of ìHere I Go Againî complete with RenÈe on the hood of a car. In fact, we think weíll be tuned in to Bubbaís Top Ten Video Hoedown on the country music channel until that day comes.

See as much as you're going to see of RenÈe (for now) at MrSkin.com.

Mrs. Chesney To Pack on the Fat

Agent E. — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 17:35:15 +0000

Lindsay Lohan (apparently today is the day that the world realized that there are only three people that we should be talking about) may soon have one less lollipop-shaped celeb to model herself after, as RenÈe Zellweger plans to start packing on some pounds. We guess poor Lindz will just have to get tips on how to subsist on nothing but Starbucks and celery sticks from Nicole Richie. And Mary-Kate Olsen. And Kate Bosworth.

RenÈe plans to pig out in the name of love since her new hubby Kenny Chesney doesnít like being constantly jabbed with protruding bones. But sheíll only gain five pounds. She doesnít want to be mistaken for a cashier at Wal-Mart, after all. A friend told Heat magazine, "Kenny's a bit of a southern boy and likes a little meat on a woman's bones." Weíre guessing that Kenny has a thing for female country music stars and wants his woman to model herself after one of The Judds. ìCímon, baby, Wynonna or Naomi, you pick.î To which RenÈeís response must have been, ìIíll go as far as Ashley, but thatís it.î But even if RenÈe does go a little overboard and gains (gasp) ten pounds, she can always use Kennyís cowboy hat as a shield to deflect the fat jokes.

Mrs. Chesney's Nude Review at MrSkin.com.

Zellweger and Chesney Reportedly "Happy", But Still Creepy

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 11 May 2005 17:18:28 +0000

Frankly, there's not much going on in the way of celebrity dirt today. Everyone's still hiding out in their bomb shelters, doing Lamaze breathing and gobbling Oxycontin, trying to wrap their heads around this whole RenÈe Zellweger-Kenny Chesney thing. We have to admit that we spent a good solid seventeen hours yesterday trying to come up with a clever "Bennifer" nickname for the merry couple. After half-heartedly deciding on "Chesweger", we realized that we kinda didn't care, and they're probably just going to split up in a few months anyway.

In an official statement released yesterday, the bald-pated hillbilly hubby said, "I am incredibly happy. I may well be the luckiest man alive. To be so in love with someone who is so perfect for me. It's just hard to imagine that I'm not going to wake up." Listen, we don't know about you guys, but there is something highly, highly creepy about this whole stunt. These two met four months ago and have reportedly only been involved in a romance for a few weeks. Chesney wrote a song about RenÈe long before he met her and had always said she was his favorite actress. There is something undeniably chilling about marrying a star with whom you have been obsessed for years. And, well, I guess it goes without saying that a surprise wedding after being together for a few weeks may just mean that there is a tiny, puffy-cheeked zygote wearing a cowboy hat residing in Zellweger's baby-chamber. Anyway, we're doing speculating. Now we just have to sit back and wait for RenÈe to start appearing in public sans wedding ring while Kenny goes on a hookers n' coke bender in Vegas with Kevin Federline and Pat O'Brien.

See Kenny Chesney's wife's Nude Review at MrSkin.com!

Bridget Jones a Singleton No More

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 May 2005 18:27:10 +0000

In a shock-and-awe ceremony, RenÈe Zellweger wed country star Kenny Chesney, who is rumored to be one of Prez Bush's favorite artists and, uh, we'll just leave it at that. The blushing bride wore Carolina Herrera, the groom went barefoot, and the couple allegedly "laughed and cried" during the ceremony, which is pretty fitting since we laughed and cried when we heard about it. Actually, we just laughed.

OK, so RenÈe split with Jack White, when, like two weeks ago? And she was dating Irish musician Damien Rice like three days ago? So where did she find time to meet and romance some ten-gallon maroon? Well, according to ET on Yahoo.com, on January 15. They met at a tsunami benefit concert and started a friendship that "quietly blossomed". The Oscar-winning actress and the man who sings a song called "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" (yes, really) wed yesterday on the island of St. John in the U.S. Virgin Islands, where Chesney owns a home.

But, while doing a little research on Mr. Chesney, we found something utterly bone-chilling: he had a hit song called "You Had Me from Hello" which is a paraphrase of that famous mawkish line RenÈe utters in Jerry Maguire. Chesney wrote and released this song in 1999, six whole years before he met his bride. FREAKY! Just what the hell are you playing at, Chesney? What kind of creepy hoodoo warlock business are you involved in?

See Kenny Chesney's wife's Nude Review at MrSkin.com!