CelebNewsWire» Kelly Preston Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Tell Me You Love Me

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:26:37 +0000

ï Diane Sawyer was acting drunk on TV yesterday morning. That's OK, Diane. Paula Abdul acts drunk on TV every day and she still gets paid. (Daily Stab)

ï Lily Allen once made out with female twins. She's a regular Steven Tyler! (Yeeeah!)

ï While you're at it, have a listen at some new leaked Lily tunes. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Dakota Fanning might be in the new Twilight movie. That one was for all our preteen readers. All none of you. (CelebWarship)

ï Amy Winehouse saved a woman from death. Which is only fair because death has saved Amy Winehouse from death many times. What? We dunno. (Bitten and Bound)

ï Marisa Miller is still in a bikini. And you're still going to click on the link and look. (The Blemish)

ï Some scuzzos are trying to extort money from John Travolta and Kelly Preston. The world is a vampire. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Much like the bustlines for which she is noted, Jennifer Love Hewitt is clingy. (Pop on the Pop)

Kelly Preston Demonstrates Official Scientological Insemination Procedure

Agent E. — Tue, 05 Dec 2006 17:45:43 +0000

"On Christmas night a woman wishing to reproduce stands by the chimney in this formation, awaiting the magical appearance of Xenu with L. Ron the Great One's original blessed speculum and a sperm sample from an acceptable donor. Once the sperm reaches the egg, it conducts intense inner-womb auditing sessions until all pre-natal thetans are destroyed. That's why most of our children are born in the spring; the average Scientologist's gestation cycle is actually about sixteen months."

We don't know if Xenu would approve of you seeing Kelly Preston naked at MrSkin.com, but somehow we don't think you care.

"This Wasn't In My Contract, Mr. Cruise."

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 07 Oct 2005 17:59:41 +0000

John Travolta and Kelly Preston have received the joyous news of the incubation of a brand new Scientologist, and they've graciously offered up a bit of parental guidance for Tom and Katie: a totally silent birth! No epidurals, no talking, no music, and no expressions of pain from the birthing mother. Sounds great! We at CelebNewsWire always make it a point to follow any advice that the Travolta is willing to toss our way, which is why we all work hard on our hair, and why we're living in a plastic bubble.

Although Kelly Preston admits that in the final hours of squeezing out Ella, a particularly large-headed Travolta spawn, she screamed out for an epidural, she and her butt-chinned hubby are still urging Tom and Katie to adhere to the strict doctrines of Scientology and crap out the infant in complete silence. Maybe we're just glib, but we think doing such a thing is A. impossible, and B. insane in the membrane, so, uh, good luck with everything, Katie. Scientology founder/failed science fiction writer/kooky loony L. Ron Hubbard wrote in his book Dianetics: "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child and safeguard the home to which they will go. The maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of 'Sh's', for those make stammerers." How about a volley of "HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING ASS, THIS SHIT SUCKS A DEAD MOOSE DICK, PLEASE GOD, STRIKE ME DEAD NOW"s? Because that's what our mom said while we were being born, and we turned out awesome.

There will be revered silence as you view Katie's kajoobies at MrSkin.com.