In a tearful conversation, Sharon Osbourne confirmed that daughter Kelly, 23, was back in rehab.

"Yeah, Kelly's in rehab," the matriarch of the Osbourne clan confirmed to RadarOnline.com. "What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point and we're proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she's getting it."

Poor Kelly needs to learn how to control her substances better. Remember: "beer before liquor, never been sicker". And don't forget "cocaine is a helluva drug". And, like Kelly's father always says, "Bljruruugh mrrr ckulmmbkle rumbsmslkqqlm. Vrrrlskjekl mrghgbbbb."

Big-mouthed Kelly Osbourne couldnít help firing out a round of verbal abuse towards fellow guests at New York Fashion week, lashing out the ëfakeí friendship of Victoria Beckham and Jennifer Lopez.

ìI know itís not my place to sayÖ but Iíve never seen two people pretend to like each other more in my life. They were holding hands, but it looked like Victoria was holding a shitty bit of toilet paper,î she confided, not very subtly, to Heat magazine.

Well, J.Lo does have infant twins (that she's rearing completely by herself without any hired help, of course), so you never know what could've been on her hand.

ï Matthew McConaughey sprung from the loins of another legendary cocksman, it seems. All right all right all riiiiiight. (Yeeeah!)

ï Focus on Madonna's crotch and achieve inner peace. (Cityrag)

ï Naked Kate Moss minus puss moss. (Mr. Skin)

ï Tara Reid is designing her own clothing line. Comes pre-scented with tequila shots and with grass stained knees! (Daily Stab)

ï Christina Ricci's nipples are so terribly sharp, they could slash tires. Or cut butternut squash. Or cut through this can. (IDLYITW)

ï As a child, Mia Tyler ate what normal 8-year-olds eat. Chicken nuggets, pizza, Fruit Wrinkles, Little Debbies, and marijuana seeds. (Celebridiot)

ï Julia Roberts in a bikini. Where's that gigantic boob melanoma? (Drunken Stepfather)

ï One snort at a time: Mackenzie Phillips got arrested for drugs. Where's Schneider when you need him. (Hollywood Grind)

ï Axl Rose wants young Kelly Osbourne to be his serpentine. He wanna hear her scream. (CelebWarship)

LINDSAY Lohan just can't seem to stop partying – and, unluckily for her, word on the street is that someone may have recorded her revelry with a cellphone video camera. We can't divulge what Lohan was allegedly caught doing, but if true, it won't sit well with her younger fans. Apparently, all the naughtiness went down last week at a party at a private house in Beverly Hills that was also attended by her frenemy Paris Hilton, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos and Ryan Seacrest. At one point, the party was disrupted by a huge rat that ran into several rooms, causing revelers to scream, drop their drinks and run, until Niarchos kicked the rodent out onto a balcony. A rep for Lohan told Page Six, "I have not heard of this."

What could Lindsay have possibly been doing that would upset her younger fans? Drinking alcohol? Hoofing rails? Making a Hannah Montana doll and a Pete Wentz doll have nasty plastic sex? Perhaps Celebrity Babylon can shed some light on the mysterious goings on:

The party was shut down at around 6 am on Sunday, April 29, after cops, who had been called by Kelly Osbourne to look for her missing purse, found cocaine in one of the VIP restrooms!

Obviously this means that if you see a huge rat roaming the streets with a Stamos Nachos footprint on its head and a Fendi bag, call Kelly; she really wants her shit back. Oh, and also don't read too much into that coke in the shitter. It's definitely not Lindsay's. She would never leave any behind.

Get your Lindsay fix at MrSkin.com.

ìMom used to make me and Jack shit in a box, then sheíd wrap it up and send it to journalists she was angry with. Iíd never do anything like that!î

No, Kelly's more of a used-tampons-in-a-FedEx-envelope kind of girl.

"Paris's stupid boyfriend ruined my 21st birthday. He trashed a hotel room, causing £60,000 worth of damage, and the hotel had to be evacuated. It's so unfair. The manager tried to make me pay for it, but I was having none of it. I said no bloody way because I didn't do it. Stavros caused the damage, so he can pay. He has enough money – he's a millionaire with too much spare cash. He's a rich kid and they don't appreciate anything because they grow up with it all. I find it really annoying."

Shhhh. Listen . . . that's the sound of millions of pots and kettles all over the world simultaneously exploding from sheer blackness.

No pics of Kelly Osbourne for you, mister! Go look at Paris instead at MrSkin.com.

We're guessing that Paris isn't too heartbroken over the end of the affair, as she seemed none too pleased when she was overheard saying to Kelly, "I don't want [the hotel] to think I bring in people who do this." Because when hotel management hear the name Paris Hilton they usually just think of how much publicity they will get if she films her next sex tape on their premises. We're sure that within a week Paris will have bounced back and found herself a new beau, perhaps Coulier Fajitas.
Oh, and about that monkey. This morning as we took the first sip of our gingerbread latte and rubbed the belly of our personal Buddha, Femalefirst, we were greeted with the hands-down best headline in the history of journalism (yes, we said journalism): "Paris Hilton attacked by monkeys." We imagined Paris on an OK!-documented faux-humanitarian Indian safari, decked out in skin-tight khaki, entering the ruins of a time-ravaged temple or castle or whatever they have in India and being swarmed by a pack of hungry, teeth-baring monkeys looking for blood. But alas, their was only one monkey and the attack happened at the Agent Provocateur shop in Las Vegas. Paris was accompanied to the shop by her new accessory, a pet monkey called Baby Luv, who went berserk and started clawing Paris's face. But such an incident could not stop Paris from slutting it up, as she leashed the monkey to a cabinet and proceeded to spend $4000 on bras, panties, and a bullwhip. Maybe this incident will teach Paris not to trade in her pets when she gets bored; Tinkerbell never would have clawed Paris's face in public. But then we're sure Tinkerbell was also too much of a prude to take part in Paris's Tarzan-themed lingerie and bullwhip parties. Baby Luv is always ready to drop the loincloth.

Paris's other monkey at MrSkin.com.

ï Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

ï RenÈe Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

ï Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

ï Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

ï Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

ï Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!