CelebNewsWire» Kelly Brook Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: They Tried to Make Me Go to Silicone Rehab

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:08:20 +0000

Amy Winehouse has traded needles in the arm for needles in the boobs and lips. (The Blemish)
Rachel Bilson sports Gwyneth Paltrow-style greaseball legs in Flaunt. (Yeeeah!)
James Gandolfini assaulted a paparazzo. Sadly, he later found out that the photog was not, in fact, carrying any nachos on him so it was all for naught. (Anything Hollywood)
Strap on your lucite and jump into a puddle of bronzer–it’s the Shauna Sand sex tape preview! (Nudography)
Tom isn’t the only Cruise who likes a phallic object in the mouth. (Allie Is Wired)
Kelly Brook places crumpets over her crumpets. Then we will eat dunk them in our milk. And other gross metaphors. (Mr. Skin)
Australia is pissssssed about Britney Spears lip synching. (Amy Grindhouse).
Chris Martin calls Kate Bosworth Gwyneth’s “younger version”. And then he porked her. (Celebitchy)
Sandra Bullock in custody battle for porn star’s kid. God, that sentence was awesome. (Hollywood Gossip)
Michael Lohan wants to release more Lindsay tapes. Yeah, that’ll help. (Pop on the Pop)
Stop being an asshole and be our pal on Facebook.

Kelly Brook Feeds Your Fetish Fantasies

Agent E. — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:10:46 +0000

It’s Monday. It’s cold in Chicago. And we’ve had to think about both a lesser Kardashian and Roman Polanski diddling a middle schooler this morning, so we need something to take our mind off of the horrors of the world. So thank you, England, for providing us with pretty ladies with big titties whose sole purpose is sexy photo shoots. Today we have Kelly Brook all swathed in latex. Man, the squeaks that must have been heard when she tried to stuff her jubblies into that thing. Must have sounded like a hamster wheel in need of a good oiling. And hey, since you’re already thinking about huge hooters, hamsters, lube, and latex, we might as well throw another fetish in there. So we have Kelly Brook in latex next to a giant shoe. Excellent.

CNW Junk Drawer: Rubber Duckie, You’re the One

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 16:23:41 +0000

A preview of Keeley Hazell’s 2010 “Erotic” Calendar. It’s especially erotic if you like vintage vacuum cleaners and oversized novelty bath duckies. (Yeeeah!)
Karina Smirnoff would rather dance naked then wear fur. Well, good, then. Why don’t you just do that? (The Blemish)
Lindsay Lohan hand job! Oh, wait. It says Lindsay Lohan lands a job. Eh, same diff. (Anything Hollywood)
A lady named Rosa Acosta is set to become Mrs. Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em. That’s a pretty name. (Bitten and Bound)
There’s no mistaking Gisele Bundchen’s baby bumpchen now. (Amy Grindhouse)
Kelly Brook naked, with hydrangeas covering up her mams and clam. This is supposed to sell Ralph Lauren underwear. OK. (Egotastic!)
McSteamy and Noxema Girl are going to sue over their boring naked tape. (Fatback)
Ten celebrities who took out their boob implants. (Mr Skin)
Kelly Rutherford (aka Lily Van Der Woodsen) has issued a restraining order against her husband. Just sic Chuck Bass on him. Chuck’ll scarf him to death. (Hollywood Gossip)

Kelly Brook Proffers Enormous Breasts in Loaded

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:39:15 +0000

Today’s stories are about a dead DJ, Candy Spelling’s dog, and Macauley Culkin’s semen. We are imagining that if someone happened upon the CelebNewsWire by accident and were faced with this trio of terror, they’re probably not likely to bookmark. So like Secret on a lady’s underpits, we must pH balance our content. CNW is not all crack ODs and nut butter from child stars. We also have boobs! Lots of boobs. Round ones, long ones, pointy ones. Natural ones. Fake ones. Fat tits, skinny tits, tits who climb on rocks. Tough tits, sissy tits, even tits with chicken pox. Hot jugs. Kelly Brook hot jugs. The jugs web surfers love to bite. Dee dee deedle dee.

These pictures are from Loaded. Enjoy, and good luck getting that song out of your brain.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For This Kelly

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:44:37 +0000

Does Kelly Brook have a job? At one point, her job was to wear bikinis with Your Friend Billy Zane, which is a pretty decent gig, especially if dental is included. But she was shitcanned by Zane and like many people in These Troubled Times, found herself tightening the ole purse strings. But Lady Luck has smiled upon our Kelly, and now she’s not tightening anything but her swimsuit straps and possibly the crotch seam in your Z. Cavariccis with her brand new job: wearing bikinis with a guy named Danny Cipriani. She gets 401K, paid overtime, and full benefits. Actually, Danny seems to be getting most of the benefits here, what with the cooter-grabbing and motorboating. If he stays in this position long enough, he’ll get a pension. Penison. Pension. Whatever.

Gotta Motor

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 18:27:25 +0000

Allow me to break from the journalistic “we” for a moment and go all first person on you. When I was 10 or so, I went to a birthday sleepover. We did all the normal slumber party crap–ate pizza, had pillow fights, futzed around with a Ouija board, and watched a horror movie. That movie was Piranha, and it scared the turds out of me so bad that I zipped my entire sleeping bag over my head and slept that way.

Fast forward to present day, and they’re currently filming a 3-D remake of Piranha, starring Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl, Elisabeth Shue, and Richard Dreyfuss. And these pictures leaked from the set today, depicting porn star Riley Steele motorboating the excellent, storied fun sacks of Kelly Brook. And I dunno, man, this movie just doesn’t seem so scary anymore. I mean, the possibility of getting your head caught between Riley’s thrashing head and Kelly’s jouncing rack might give you a slightly black eye or maybe some nipple burn on your ear, but that’s not anything to make you zip yourself up into a Shirt Tales sleeping bag.

Oh wait, look! We found the scary part. Elisabeth Shue’s guns. She could open cans of spinach with those biceps and then send Bluto to the moon with one left hook.

CNW Junk Drawer: Stamps n' Tramps

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:19:24 +0000

ï First look at Helena Bonham Carter in Terminator: Salvation. That look is a step up from her usual fashions, to be sure. (Yeeeah!)

ï How do you get over being denied when trying to adopt a Malawian orphan? If you're Madonna, you grab some random man candy and bang him retarded. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Robert Downey Jr. wearing some heels Carrie and Samantha and the girls would die for! (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Can Nicole Kidman's dusty, cobwebby, Botox-rigid uterus sustain human life a second time? Signs point to yes. (CelebWarship)

ï Kendra Wilkinson had to recently be taught how to use a stamp. She was told, "You just lick it, honey," and all was clear. (The Blemish)

ï You best do some bicep curls before picking up the new issue of Love magazine. It features pictures of Kelly Brook, and her cleavage is so hefty you may just pull something. Like your wiener! Wocka wocka! (Daily Stab)

ï Jessica Simpson was dropped from her country label. That makes her one step closer to doing porn. Eeeeeeexcellent. (Fatback)

CNW Junk Drawer: The Forbidden Dance

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 17:59:47 +0000

ï Anne Hathaway wraps her legs around costar and begs "Fuck me." Well, okay. (Mr Skin)

ï A lady got kissed to deaf. Zing! What a clever play on words! (Celebitchy)

ï Tila Tequila is ready to adopt! A baby even! Not just a new weave or a maltipoo! (CelebWarship)

ï Khloe Kardashian shows her side teat-a and full seat-a for PETA. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï And Kid Rock is all "see my vest, see my vest, made of real gorilla chest." (Anything Hollywood)

ï Britney's backup dancers have to make tinkles in cups. (Pop on the Pop)

ï It's been a while since we've eyeballed Kelly Brook in her lacy undertrimmings. (Holy Taco)

ï J. Lo has a better set of twins than Max and Emme. (Derek Hail)

ï Jay Leno will be taking his chambray shirts and wind-tossed silver mane to the 10 PM slot. (Hollywire)

Kelly Brook's Bikini Is a Really Good Actor

Agent E. — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:31:08 +0000

We don't go to the theater. Mostly because we're charlatans, but also because in the rare instance that there is a hot naked lady on stage, we're too far away to actually see it. Internet porn is just so much more intimate. So luckily once in a while someone like possible-still-fiancÈe of your friend Billy Zane Kelly Brook appears on a London stage flaunting her funbags in a bikini and someone helpfully takes close-up pictures of said funbags. England is so much more advanced than we prudish Yanks. They make stars out of girls like Katie Price and Lucy Pinder, who do nothing more than haul out their fake boobies whenever a camera is around. We want our girls to have "talent" or "class" or some bullshit. Hell, the last time we saw a play all the women were dressed like Miss Havisham. That's just not what art is about. Girls in bikinis! That's how to get asses in seats. After all, we hear that Shakespeare's first draft of Hamlet was nothing but girls in bikinis. He was a true innovator, that man.

More pics at Drunken Stepfather.

Not sexy enough for you? See Kelly Brook nude at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: "If I Was Cyclops and You Were Jean Grey"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 14 May 2008 17:40:18 +0000

ï Singer/asshole Ryan Adams goes to comic shop expressly for the purpose of fondling Mandy Moore. Nerds everywhere cut selves. (The Blemish)

ï Tara Reid works a bikini, haters be damned. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï It's entirely possible that Tony Romo will never fumble with Jessica Simpson's footballs again. (Yeeeah!)

ï Celebrity Muppets. (Cityrag)

ï Kelly Brook is back together with your friend Billy Zane. (F-listed)

ï Lily Allen once sang that she wanted to see you smile. Today, the dream becomes reality as shots of her cliff-diving topless emerge. (Hollywood Tuna)

ï Some skintage flesh! Tricia Helfer nip slip circa 2007. Battlestar Galac-tit-ca. (Fatback)

ï The new cast of 90210 revealed! That one was for all of our under 12 and gay readers. (Bitten and Bound)

ï How I Met My Emo Lover, by Flashlee Simpson. (FemaleFirst)

ï Another kind of "bump" for Britney. (Daily Stab)

ï Shia La Beef on La Zit Cream. (Celebitchy)

ï When scabies met impetigo: a tender love story featuring Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. (Seriously OMG WTF)

ï Amy Smart has a well-padded poon. (Taxi Driver)