CelebNewsWire» Katy Perry Archives – CelebNewsWire

CNW Junk Drawer: Sammy Snow-sa

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:27:50 +0000

Sammy Sosa used to be a Dominican dude, right? Not a Cullen-white green-eyed guy? We didn’t just make that up? (Gabby Babble)
It’s all right cuz she’s saved by the fetus: Tiffani (-Amber) Thiessen is with child. (PopEater)
Lilogate continues: in more tapes, Lindsay Lohan’s charming and selfless parents allege that she was porking Heath Ledger when he died. Riiiiight. (Celebitchy)
Pete Wentz says that he was unable to write music after his son was born. Quick, Ashlee! Have more babies stat! (Angry Ape)
Please, God. Please, please, please. If you exist, you’ll let this be true: A-Rod has hanging in his home a painting of himself as a centaur. (LA Times)
Carrie Prejean has a sex tape. CelebNewsWire doesn’t give a shit. (Bitten and Bound)
Katy Perry has “RUSTY” written on her ass, apparently to broadcast her love of the rusty trombone. (Fatback)
Jennifer Lopez is blocking the release of her sex tape. Blocking it with her big huge giant ass? (Mr. Skin)
Paz de la Huerta is naked in the upcoming Limits of Control. We’re talking full NSFW pissflaps here, people! (Nudography)

Can You Blame Katy? Just Look at That Hot Little Snap-On Beard

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:04:26 +0000

It’s a classic case of boy meets girl, boy writes girl a love poem, girl sexts a picture of her huge tits to boy. It’s like Catherine and Heathcliff all over again. Katy Perry and Russell Brand’s love is going strong–according to Katy’s shirt, it’s the real shit, shit that makes you feel shit. The couple appeared yesterday in Los Angeles and Russell apparently made Katy pump the gas so as not to soil his 2007 tight jeans, but aside from that, these two look good together. It’s strange, because on their own, we find each of them intolerable, but together, we are breathing a sigh of relief, like, “Ah, yes. They’ve finally found each other.” Like the end of Sleepless in Seattle or the day we discovered purple drank.

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Balcony Day Continues!

Agent E. — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 16:24:29 +0000

We’ve had Sienna Miller topless on a balcony. Today we saw Lily Allen topless on a balcony. And now we’re seeing Katy Perry . . . not topless on a balcony. Hmmmm. This has something to do with her being American, right? It looks like her current chimney sweep, Russell Brand, would like to screw the Yankee out of her right here on this balcony, but we Americans, we’re nothing if not set in our ways. Our prudish, Puritanical ways. Look, in one he’s even whispering in her ear. Imagine what sweet seductions are emanating from his fuzz-ensconced lips: “You’re slipping, love. No, not from the railing, from the spotlight. You don’t have time to write another hit song before Lady Gaga makes everyone forget about you. Why don’t you take off your dress? Right here. Right now. And we could ever snog while the photographer watches. You’ll be famous forever. Just look at Paris Hilton. Now there’s a Yank I could get behind. Oh, and by the way, I have.”

She Kissed a Brand and He Liked It

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 15:59:16 +0000

Russell Brand’s heart is like a cantering stallion in the wild. It is a beautiful, untamed creature that refuses to bend to your will or be reined. Try to put a saddle on it and you may very well be kicked in the groin. And with a toss of his shimmering mane, he gallops freely into the magical night. Only one person can ride the wind and rope his love. Katy Perry? Here’s the story from The Sun:

Sex-mad Russell Brand was pining for his pop star girlfriend Katy Perry yesterday.

Pals say he is besotted with the I Kissed A Girl singer, who is currently at Paris Fashion Week, and no longer has eyes for anyone else.

Speaking exclusively to The Sun at his £2million home in Hampstead, North London, Russell said: “I think I’m in love.” But asked about his nights of passion with Katy, he said coyly: “I don’t think I should be drawn on that.”

Then, dressed in black jeans and a leather jacket, he sped off to the gym. A giant marrow was delivered by a man on a pushbike while he was away.

Russell and Katy’s relationship got off to a romantic start after they met at the MTV Video Music Awards last month. He sent her a love poem by email and she replied with a snapshot of her boobs.

It makes us wonder why people gush and bawl over The Notebook when there are heart-stopping stories of romance like this.

By the way, can any of our English buddies translate the second to last paragraph? Because we’re picturing a gentleman in a monocle and waistcoat riding a Big Wheel up to Russell’s house, carrying an elephant femur.

Katy Perry Wanted Huge Tits; Got Them

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 15:52:47 +0000

Katy Perry’s been out of the spotlight for a few minutes, her fruit-shaped accessories eclipsed by the sartorial hilarity that is Lady Gaga. How to drum up interest again? Normally a lesbian kiss would do the trick, but since Perry’s entire career was built on that premise, why not talk about her fabulous boobs? Take it away, Digital Spy:

Katy Perry has reportedly claimed that she prayed to God as a child for “big boobs”. “I remember really vividly kneeling by my bed as a 9-year-old, saying my prayers and asking God to give me boobs that were so big that if I laid on my back I wouldn’t be able to see my feet. Eventually, that request was granted.”

See? God is good. He doesn’t give a shit about Asian people dying in earthquakes or poor children dying of starvation, but He’s always on hand to make sure that your high school football team wins homecoming and that Katy Perry gets gravity-defying natural yabbos. Priorities, you know. Praise Him! Alleluia!

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CNW Junk Drawer: Personal Pan Perry

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:26:14 +0000

Katy Perry nude with some pizza. Extra cheesy! (ONTD)
One of the Real Housewives of New Jersey (Danielle Staub) has a sex tape. We’re shocked that “NJ housewife sex tape” is a thrilling story. What a world! What a world we live in. (Yeeeah!)
If you are a bartender and you do not serve a very drunk Jonathan Rhys Meyers, then he is the manager of the Black Eyed Peas and you are Perez Hilton. Only maybe without the weepy YouTube pleas. (The Blemish)
Lindsay Lohan tried 2 dance with Justin Timberlake and he was like O HELL NO and then she totally got mad and 2 get back @ him she Tweeted he was cheating on Jessica Biel & then she wuz hacked but she wasn’t OMFG! (CelebWarship)
Stills from Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie. It’s not half as creepy as the ’80s TV version with Carol Channing and Ann Jillian. Still gives me the heebies. (Amy Grindhouse)
Hilary Duff is kind of useless and probably a total choadball, but whatever, she looks hot in a bikini. (Anything Hollywood)
Jessica Simpson has a new reality show. To quote Nancy Kerrigan, “WHHHHYYYYYYYY?” (Websters)
Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson have been made into dolls. Dolls that are much more charismatic than their Twilight counterparts. (Daily Stab)
Here is Denise Richards in a bikini on the beach with a giant parrot. Um, that’s about it. (Drunken Stepfather)

CNW Junk Drawer: My Paris Lies Over the Ocean

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 18:09:59 +0000

ï Paris Hilton, in a bikini, hits the beach with her new beau, wearing Jamz. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Jenny McCarthy and Botox, sitting in a tree. (IMDb)

ï On again/off again couple Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are off again. Until the engagement rumors start, oh, in 5 hours or so. (The Blemish)

ï Katy Perry sexy in Esquire magazine. She's got big chugs and we like it. (Yeeeah!)

ï Chris Brown will not be receiving a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award, despite him being a terrific role model for children, what with the girlfriend beating and all. (Anything Hollywood)

ï It's rumored that 3 of the Kardashian sisters will get nude in Playboy. Best have a tri-fold cover to house all dat azz. (Faded Youth)

ï Anne Heche gave birth to her second son yesterday. His name is Atlas. Who gave Celestia a copy of 1001 Names for Your Newborn? (Celebitchy)

ï According to the folks at Dancing with the Stars, Denise Richards is a harridan on par with Faye Dunaway mixed with Joan Crawford mixed with Helen Lawson. (Pop on the Pop)

ï Aw. Poor James Franco. Little guy's all tuckered out. Shhh. (CelebWarship)

France Dangles Award in Katy Perry's Face, Gives It To Rihanna

Agent E. — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 17:17:56 +0000

Those Frenchies, they sure can be cruel. At a recent awards show they were all like, "Here, fake lesbian Katy Perry, have this pretty, shiny statue. You really deserve it," before rethinking the whole thing and taking it back. "Ooops, sorry, we forgot that we really like Rihanna better. She's way less annoying, so we're going to give the award to her. Now hand it over, loser." Says our favorite celeb gossip Indian giver, FemaleFirst:

Katy Perry was forced to return an award she was mistakenly given in France.

The singer was delighted when she won the Best International Song prize for her single 'I Kissed A Girl' at the NRJ Awards in Cannes, but was later asked to hand it back when organisers admitted the accolade should have gone to Rihanna for 'Disturbia'.

The ceremony's French host Nikos Alliagas told the audience: "We are terribly sorry, but we made a mistake. It wasn't Katy Perry who was supposed to pick up the Best International Song, but Rihanna with 'Disturbia'.

"We hope Rihanna and Katy Perry won't be too upset and we apologise to all the fans who voted for them. The wrong name was put in the envelope. We're really terribly sorry. Katy Perry will have to give her award to Rihanna."

'Disturbia' was playing when Katy climbed the stairs to receive the prize, but the presentation went ahead.

If only America took France's cue and started demanding celebrities give back unwarranted awards. We'd never have to hear words like "Oscar winner Cuba Gooding Jr. in Snow Dogs" ever again.

She Wore a Bikini and We Liked It

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:35:50 +0000

If all you got for Christmas was the Pro-Caulk and the Wonderhanger when what you really wanted was a Slanket and a Shamwow, we're here to ease the pain. Believe it! CelebNewsWire has just slid down your chimney hole with a sack full of yabbos to cram into your stocking. Ladies and gentleman, we give you: Katy Perry in a bikini! Who knew that underneath those goofy Betty Grable onesies she was hiding this? Whatta figure on this frail! Them gams is more intoxicating than giggle water! Killer diller.

CNW Junk Drawer: Lisa, Kelly, or Jessie?

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 20:38:06 +0000

ï Mr. Skin takes to the streets of Chicago to find out which Saved by the Bell babe is the most wanted in the Windy City. (Mr. Skin)

ï Samantha Ronson blows a load all over Lindsay Lohan. Load, kiss, same thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï If Tom Cruise had a comic book. (Holy Taco)

ï Model Miranda Kerr dumps Orlando Bloom for Brandon "Firecrotch!" Davis. Trading a eunuch elf for Fat Elvis? That's kind of a lateral move. (Yeeeah!)

ï Sarah Jessica Parker gets her chin goober removed; now will only be mistaken for Lemmy Kilmeister 50% of the time. (Cityrag)

ï Don't tase me, (Josh) bro(lin)! (The Blemish)

ï Katy Perry wants to kiss a girl. A girl named Miley Cyrus. And we liked it. (Hollywire)

ï Kristin Chenoweth is charming, funny, and has colossal gazongas. (Fatback)

ï Vanessa Hudgens straddles Zac Efron on the beach. She's thinking sex, he's thinking "stop smudging my bronzer." (F-listed)

ï Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)

ï Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)

ï Emmy nominations released; Katherine Heigl's wish comes true when she gets zilch. (Bitten and Bound)