Katie Price is desperate for sex, but can't find a suitable man.

The British glamour model is currently enjoying a wild holiday in Ibiza after splitting from her husband Peter Andre last month.

Since she got to the Balearic island – accompanied by eight friends and a TV crew who are filming her for a new reality series – Katie has been out drinking and reportedly kissed two men, though she has complained she misses sex.

She reportedly told friends: "I'm randy. I need a shag, it's driving me mad."

We think that if Katie's going to get ker kitty petted any time soon, she needs to go in for a bit of a gaydar tune-up. Because if this is the kind of guy she wants to service her snatch, that thing's gonna get mighty dusty.

"I'm not jealous of anybody until Katie's drunk. There's nobody I feel threatened by when she's sober. But if she's been drinking, I know she's capable of anything. The devil gets inside her and she's a nightmare."

Keep in mind that Peter and Jordan have sold every step of their lives together to OK! mag, from their wedding to the births of their children to the remodeling of their home, so we hope they get a tidy sum for the heart-wrenching pictorial of their breakup. One page will show the entire family posed cleverly miming playing tug-of-war in matching white chav warm-up suits that say "PEACE OUT", another will have a tender reenactment of Katie and Pete tearfully splitting up their vast self-tanner/NADS collection.

ï Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber have a new baby boy. Mazel and tov to that. (Daily Stab)

ï Lily Allen sings "Womanizer". Nice, but we'd really like to hear her "Real Talk". (IDLYITW)

ï Rihanna's cleavage looks fake. Or pregnant. Or fake pregnant. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï From the "life sucks and is totally unfair, screw you Jesus" files: Peter Falk has Alzheimer's. (The Blemish)

ï Hugh Hefner's new girlfriend: young, Ukrainian, brunette. showing us her buttocks. (Anything Hollywood)

ï Kate Winslet is prettier than you. (F-listed)

ï Shenae Grimes, just two sniffs short of KateMossVille. (Evil Beet)

ï Katie Price likens Dita Von Teese's Playboy cover to BM. (Holy Moly)

Being knocked out that much affected my bowels and my waterworks. I had to have a catheter fitted and I was so blocked that I couldn't go to the toilet for 13 days. My stomach was sticking out like I was seven months pregnant – it was agony.

"They gave my suppositories and all sorts but it just wasn't working. Then when I finally did go it took me three hours to give birth to a pebble! And it killed – it was like labour pains. I'm actually frightened to go to the toilet now."

We know what you're thinking. "How can such a delicate blossom exist? She is too gentle; too beautiful for this world." Basically, Jordan is like a latter day Scarlett O'Hara mixed with Blanche DuBois mixed with a super-constipated version of Chesty Morgan. A plasti-titted daffodil waving in the breeze, yet bogged down by several pounds of impacted feces.

It's been a rough couple of weeks with little to no Amy Winehouse news. We've made do by dying a mop black, rubbing it in an ashtray, and talking to it, but it's not the same. But she emerges from the mist! And her slappin' hand is in fine working order! Reports The Sun:

AMY WINEHOUSE slapped another member of the public last night. The troubled singer was out and about in Camden when a passer-by grabbed her, seemingly concerned for her health.

But Amy lashed out at the middle-aged woman ñ giving her a hard slap and screaming: "Let fucking go of me, dickhead!"

As she walked away, Amy carried on shouting at her victim, calling her a "fucking bitch".

We hate to say it, but the lady kind of asked for it. You don't pet a copperhead and not expect to get bitten. And you don't touch Amy Winehouse and not expect to get slapped, called a dickhead, or catch chiggers.

Katie Price is naked at MrSkin.com.

Check out Wino while you're there.

ï Hayden Panettiere is gearing up to give a BJ to Richard Gere or something. (HollywoodTuna)

ï Madonna is sporting a nice pair of shiners. (Cityrag)

ï Furthermore, she's allegedly fattening herself up on a diet of "porridge". Porridge is a real thing, existing outside The Three Bears? Is she also eating curds and whey, and a pie with Little Jack Horner's thumb in it? (PopCrunch)

ï Crack open an ice cold can of Paris Hilton champagne. All the bubbliness of the real thing and none of the clap! (Yeeeah!)

ï It's hard out here for a pimp Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. (CelebWarship)

ï Tara Reid stuffs her plasticine yambags into a bikini for your viewing pleasure and/or reverse peristalsis. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï James Blunt hits Swiss ski resort, sings "you're beautiful! You're beautiful! You're beautiful, so let me bust open your hymen, it's true!" to chalet girls. (Celebitchy)

ï Vanessa Hudgens not amused by Zac Efron's oxygen facials and mani-pedi time. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Wow, what's Jordan doing with Jay Manuel? (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

ï Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)

ï Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)

ï Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)

ï Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)

ï Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)

ï And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)

ï Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)

ï Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)