CelebNewsWire» Katie Holmes Archives – CelebNewsWire

Katie Holmes Needs Sex!

Agent E. — Thu, 28 May 2009 17:55:04 +0000

We've been assuming that Katie Holmes belongs to that ultra-rare breed known as asexualsóalong with Morrissey and Gary Colemanóand one fling with a turkey baster was enough to keep her snatch satiated for a couple of decades. But it turns out that Katie is just dying for sex. She wants it! She needs it! She craves it! And Tommy just won't give it to her. Awwww. A Chatty Cathy blabbed:

Katie has become noticeably more miserable in the last few months. She finds it incredibly taxing to lead a life that revolves around Tom but that doesn't include enough intimate time with him to be genuinely fulfilling. She doesn't just want to go to red-carpet events with him. She always feels like she's competing for Tom's attention.

First off, the subject of Tom and Katie having sex is about as repulsive as that TV show we once saw about the world's largest tumor. But if Katie were so bold as to disregard her contract and beg Tom for some pumpin', we think it would go a little something like this:

Katie: Tommmmmm, I'm horny. Pleeeeeease have sex with me. Just this once? Pleeeease? I'll try really hard to get pregnant so it won't be wasted for you.

Tom: (Reaches into a drawer, then tosses Katie a dildo.) You don't need me. Use this. I don't have time for sex anyway. I have to get to Barney's. Will Smith and I are shopping for sunglasses.

And For That, Twelve Hail L. Rons and Four Our Xenus

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:26:17 +0000

Katie Holmes and wee spouse Tom Cruise are just your ordinary, everyday couple. They enjoy watching their child grow. They make it a Blockbuster night. They enjoy meals together. They have spats, they make up. But only after Katie is forced to sit down in a cold dark room and compose a 1000 word essay detailing exactly why she was bad. According to the Daily Mail:

Katie Holmes may be coming to the end of her Purification Rundown diet, but it seems she isnít stopping there with her commitment to Scientology.

I can reveal that the 30-year-old actress resolves problems with her husband Tom Cruise by making weekly written confessions, as laid out in the Scientology code.

"Katie has to confess to something as minor as forgetting to tell him she has met with a friend," says a source. "If she commits a transgression against the moral code of their marriage, she has to tell Tom in writing, giving full details of the time and place and what happened."

Yeah, but she gets off easy compared to Suri. Not yet being able to write, the toddler must relay her sins to her father via aboriginal folk dancing.

Like a Lohan, Touched for the 486,823rd Time

Agent E. — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:47:53 +0000

Former actress/current faux lesbian Lindsay Lohan has a lot of time on her hands these days. A LOT. Like, "I'm just here hanging with my girlfriend while she works because I'm supportive, not because I don't have a job and I ran out of money so I can't go shopping. Supportive." So it's understandable that she'd throw a hissy fit over losing a magazine cover to Katie Holmes. If she's not freaking out over that, what would she be doing? Reading? Washing her hair? Going to NA meetings? Probably not. Reports our own personal unemployment representative, FemaleFirst:

Lindsay Lohan is feuding with Katie Holmes.

The 'Mean Girls' star was expecting to appear on the cover of the April edition of America's Glamour magazine and was left fuming when the coveted front page was given to Katie.

A source said: "Lindsay did a Madonna-themed photo shoot and was totally under the impression it would be the cover.

"Her Marilyn Monroe shoot for New York Magazine made her relevant when she did it, she thought the same would happen this time. Only she wasn't on the cover, Katie was, and she's mad at her now."

Lindsay, 22, donned a vintage wedding dress, white gloves and jewellery to recreate the '4 Minutes' star's performance of 'Like A Virgin' at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards as part of the magazine's American Icons: Seven Decades of Rule Breakers, Risk Takers and Style Makers photo shoot.

Despite her gripe, magazine sources insist they never planned to put her on the cover.

An insider said: "If that was Lindsay's impression, it was a mistake. She was always going to be inside the magazine."

This whole Lindsay-as-Madonna thing got us thinking. Recently Lindsay has been seen getting cozy with Sean Penn and is rumored to be working with Warren Beatty. If this is the kind of research the girl puts into a photo shoot, maybe she should be landing more acting jobs. Or maybe Lindsay just wants to hump everything Madonna has humped, which should keep her occupied for about the next forty years.

Tom Cruise Vacations on the Island of Dr. Moreau

Agent E. — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:41:22 +0000

We fear we're starting to suffer from the gossip version of Stockholm Syndrome. Three years ago, had we heard about Tom Cruise speaking the wrong language to a group of Brazilian reporters, we would have had many witty remarks, called Tom stupid in about six different ways, and probably worked in a joke or two about repressing his gay alien love for Xenu. But now? Now we just say, "Hey, at least he was speaking Spanish instead of Portuguese. That's pretty close. It's not like he greeted them in Chinese or Anne Heche's secret language." Page Six says of the mix-up:

TOM Cruise could use a geography lesson. In Rio de Janeiro hawking "Valkyrie," Cruise tried to ingratiate himself to reporters by saying hola (hello) and gracias (thanks), not realizing that the language of Brazil is Portuguese, not Spanish. Accord ing to Glamurama.com, Cruise also said he fell in love with Brazil watching movies about samba and tango, unaware that tango is an Argentine dance. Cruise, who's been staying with wife Katie and baby Suri at the Copacabana Palace, took a side trip to the private island of plastic surgeon Dr. Ivo Pitanguy, who has his own landing strip and a menagerie of exotic animals.

OK, hold up. Private island? Plastic surgeon? Menagerie of exotic animals? Just what in the ding-dang hell is going on here? Because if Katie started looking more and more like a giraffe in every picture, we wouldn't be too surprised. At least then Tom could abandon the pretense of wearing lifts.

Last Night Some Famous People Won Some Things

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:15:45 +0000

So the SAG awards were last night. You might know them by their alternate name, the "Not Golden Globes or Oscars Awards." Some of the big winners (full list here) at the ceremony were Sean Penn, Kate Winslet, 30 Rock, Heath Ledger, and Slumdog Millionaire. And can we get some noise for Katie Holmes's nipple in that dress? Talk about SAG! Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Yo Holmes, You Gots the Herp II

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:40:12 +0000

When Katie Holmes last had an outbreak of oozing oral herpes, it was May of 2005 and she had just ~~signed a partnership deal~~ fallen in love with Tom Cruise. Back in those days, she thought herpes was caused by a virus and could be relieved with some Abreva and Orajel. But now it's 2008, and being a Scientologist, Katie now knows that these pesky lesions appear when malevolent extraterrestrial spirits enter a thetan because you've been weak-minded and weak-willed, and this can be cured by sitting in a locked room for nine hours holding electrodes while David Miscavige berates you. How far she's come in three years!

See Katie Holmes NUDE at MrSkin.com.

Suri Cruise To Have Male Overlord Competition?

Agent E. — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:00:02 +0000

Tom Cruise better ready the chloroform and a really big burlap sack and have his Scientological flunkies track down Chris Klein for a sperm sample, because Tom's son Connor wants Katie Holmes to give him a baby brother. Reports OK!:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have made it no secret that they want more children in addition to daughter Suri ó and no one is rooting for a new Cruise baby more than Tomís ex, Nicole Kidman!

In the December issue of Glamour, the star of the upcoming Australia explains that Connor, her teenage son with Tom, is still hoping for a brother. ì[He] would like one of us to have a boy,î she confesses. ìHe wants that boy. Katie?î

The idea that Nicole is throwing down a challenge to Katie, her successor in the role of Mrs. Tom Cruise, may seem odd to some. But since the actress married country superstar Keith Urban she and Tom have become increasingly civil, almost friendly ó especially when it comes to their adopted children, Bella and Connor.

The two couples exchange Christmas gifts, and Katie personally selected $2,000 worth of baby goodies from Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills to send to Nicole shortly before the July 7 birth of Sunday Rose, her daughter with Keith. As OK! exclusively reported at the time, Bella and Connor flew to Nashville to meet their new half sister just days later.

ìAt 41, Nicole knows sheís not likely to have another baby,î a friend of the actress tells OK!. ìItís obviously up to the much younger Katie to give Connor that baby brother.î

And the Cruises are more than ready to welcome a new child into their lives.

ìKatie and Tom very much want another baby,î a friend of the couple tells OK!. ìThere may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier."

When Connor sat his adoptive mom and his stepmom down to present his request that one of their wombs be filled with a teeny little baby penis, Nicole screamed, "No, I can't! I can't take another nine months without Botox! I won't do it! You do it, Katie, it's your turn. Tom's paying you way more than he paid me anyway. It's your duty."

Did you know that you can see Katie Holmes nude at MrSkin.com? Well, you can.

And you know what else? You can also see Nicole Kidman nude there.

Katie Holmes Sings for Crash Override

Agent E. — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:46:45 +0000

You remember Eli Stone, right? It’s that show that was on after Lost, and while you were watching Lost there were roughly seven and half minutes of commercials for it, which you ignored while you sipped your beer and thought, “I really hope Benry is in the next scene.” Eli Stone. It had something to do with George Michael we think. Well, now Katie Holmes is going to be on it. And she sings. Hmmmm. She knows she doesn’t have to do that, right? Right now her only obligation is to fulfill her contract with Tom Cruise. They’ve been together for about three and half years now and she’s bore him one delightful offspring, so she’s probably already earned at least 14 million we’re guessing. So she doesn’t really need the money that half-competent warbling on a struggling TV show can bring. Unless of course she violated subclause 18, section 12, page 8. Man, oh, man, if she did that, girl is in TROUBLE and might only bring in half a mil for the duration of her marriage. That contract is tough.

Oh, that picture? It has nothing to do with Eli Stone. We just love the looks on Katie and Suri’s faces. And the fact that Suri is clinging to a little plastic spoon, as if she’s thinking of burrowing her way out of the Cruise compound little by little until she is finally free.

No Scientological contract necessary: See Katie Holmes naked at MrSkin.com.

Katie Holmes Spends More on Whimsical Stamps Than You Do on Food in a Year

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:48:42 +0000

If you've ever hung out in the scrapbook aisle of Jo-Ann Fabrics, you've surely noticed a lot of moms in bedazzled holiday sweatshirts and sensible shoes with a crazed look in their eyes, scrambling for the star-shaped hole puncher, the aquamarine glitter glue, and the calligraphy pen. And if you've ever been to a Scientology center, you've surely seen that same look in the eyes, so it's no surprise to learn that Katie Holmes has become a single-minded, obsessed scrapbooker. Celebitchy reports:

Katie Holmes has become a scrapbooking addict – and sheís dedicated an entire room in her $35 million Beverly Hills mansion to her new hobby, sources say.

ìKatieís always been artistic, making homemade cards for friends, and sketching designs for clothes,î a close friend confided to The Enquirer.

ìHer mom turned her on to scrapbooking, and now she spends more than $3,000 a month on scrapbook materials! Her scrapbooking room is incredibly elaborate with ribbons, labels, decals and paper meticiously organized on beams that run from one wall to another.

You don't even make $1500 a month, and Katie Holmes spends twice that on teddy bear stamps and paper doilies. In eight months after the rest of the economy collapses and we're all cashing in our gold hoop earrings from 1988 and chewing on carpet to stay alive, Katie will still be skipping around her mansion pasting unicorns to construction paper with a diamond and platinum glue stick.

Scrapbook this: Katie Holmes naked at MrSkin.com.

Katie Holmes Returns To the Creek

Agent E. — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 18:03:01 +0000

OMG, you guys! I like, can't even believe it, can you? I am just doing to DIE! Literally DIE! Joey and Pacey like totally hooked up again! So super super super cool. Felicity and Ben are def going to be next, I just know it! According to MSNBC:

While busy rehearsing for her Broadway show, ìAll My Sons,î Katie Holmes was unexpectedly reunited with ex-boyfriend and ìDawsonís Creekî co-star Joshua Jackson. Grazia magazine reports Joshuaís spur-of-the-moment visit was prompted by concern for his former flame after he saw photos of her looking depressed.

ìThey havenít spoken in a while and, naturally, he was worried,î an insider revealed. ìSo he just decided to drop by. It was really sweet, he just turned up unexpectedly with a bunch of flowers and said: ëHello stranger.í Katie was shocked, but so happy to see him. It was a wonderful surprise. She gave him such a big hug.î

The source alleges that in addition to being worried about Katieís sad appearance, Joshua was also distressed that the 29-year-old hasnít mingled with many people close to her own age since marrying Tom Cruise, whoís 16 years her senior.

ìHeís not out to cause trouble.î the insider said. ìJosh would love to see Katie as the carefree and relaxed woman he once knew.î

We can just see it it now: After all the hugs and "Ohmigod, it's so great to see you"s the whole reunion likely devolved into Katie and Josh taking turns emoting, "I don't wahnt yer life" in their best impression of The-Beek-as-Texas-football-star and giggling for hours.

Between Dawson and Tom, Katie Holmes was naked. See for yourself at MrSkin.com.