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Jon & Kate Plus Cops

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:27:27 +0000

We never thought we’d WANT to write stories about Jon and Kate Gosselin, but they’ve gotten so damn interesting lately, what with the hair and the divorce and the Ed Hardy and the pothead-screwing and all. They keep saying that they only want what’s best for their four thousand children. And what’s best is a visit from the fuzz. Radar scoops:

Police were called to the Gosselin house in Wernersville, PA Thursday night after Jon and Kate got into a heated argument over Stephanie Santoro, the nanny who was on duty that day.

One source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com, “Kate showed up at the house unexpectedly. It’s Jon’s scheduled time to be there with the kids.”

Jon was inside the home and wouldn’t let Kate in. Kate reportedly started screaming at Jon at the fence outside their once happy home about his relationship with Santoro – the nanny hired by Jon, and not Kate.

Amid all the screaming, someone called 911. Police arrived, but no arrests were made. Kate left and checked into a local hotel.

It’s fantastic that the Gosselins have gone from suburban Jesus-digging bliss to having the cops mediate over a nanny-dorking fight. It’s absolutely awesome. Like if Mr. Ingalls got really drunk on moonshine and pimped out Half Pint to the Oleson’s secret child prostitution ring to fund Ma’s opium addiction.

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Even Kendra Has More Sense Than the Gosselins

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 18:42:05 +0000

A reality show star hating another reality show star is like Hitler hating Pol Pot. But we have to admit it's pretty funny when even a lady with giant plastic buoys in her chest cavity thinks Jon and Kate are the worst. Kendra Wilkinson claims that when her baby is born, it sure as hell won't be pimped out on TV. E! reports:

Kendra says their baby, due on Christmas Day, probably won't be on camera too much if she and [Hank Baskett] continue starring in reality television. That is a lesson she learned from tuning in for Jon & Kate Plus 8. "We don't watch that anymore," Kendra tells me. "I watched back when it was good and they weren't all Hollywood."

"Yeah," Kendra continued, adjusting her labret piercing, "Jon and Kate were cool when they put out their first couple of seven inches on Alternative Tentacles, but ever since they signed to a major, no thanks."

The Goose Shows Us Where Her Gosselins Come From

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 16:58:26 +0000

After Michael Jackson shuffled off this mortal coil, we were certain that we wouldn't hear another word about Jon and Kate Plus 8 or Octomom. We were pretty much right about the Octomom, but the Gosselins seem to be holding steady in the tabloids. Although post-MJ, the focus has shifted from Kate being a cold-hearted snake with striped hair to Jon in mall biker wear cavorting with a girl whose greatest skill is being able to fashion a bong out of any household item. But let's not lose sight of what's important here, people! And that's Kate being a total prick. Oh, and the fact that "Kate Gosselin upskirt" is still holding steady in the search terms list in our stats. Look what we found today! The very thing you seek. We're like Daryl Hall. We make your dreams come true.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Agent E. — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 15:49:08 +0000

Yesterday we learned a very valuable lesson. For two days in a row we bitched and moaned about the boring state of celebrity gossip. "Why oh why can't something interesting happen? We're bored writing about Broderick babies and Nick Lachey's loin unlatchings." Well, aren't we assholes. We complained, then Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson died. We're sorry. We will never complain about a lack of gossip again. (At least until the release of Megan Fox's next movie when we have to write four hundred stories on her super sexiness again.) But we think that you all need to learn a lesson too. You've been asking us for a few disturbing things. Namely, Kate Gosselin nude and Kate Gosselin upskirt, which have been two of our most popular search terms recently. Seriously? That's really what you want to see, guys? Are you really that curious about what a vagina looks like after passing a litter of half-Asian babies then being sucked in and sewed up and tucked into place with glops of plastic? Really? Well, we can't give you that. But what we can give you is Kate Gosselin in a bikini. Sexy! Enjoy it, pervos.

We can't really stomach posting more than one Kate Gosselin bikini pic, so head over to Yeeeah! if you really must see more. Just make sure you can live with that decision.

Jon Minus Kate

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:13:49 +0000

We have never been able to understand why people would want to turn on a television after their busy day and watch a couple with ten trillion screaming kids, but hey, what do we know about TV marketing? We're still bummed Galaxy High got canceled. But yes, after weeks of speculation, Jon and Kate Gosselin of the vomity TLC show Jon and Kate Plus 8 announced on their show yesterday that they are getting divorced. Because nothing says "I love you, my blessed eight children" like playing up the demise of your family unit for ratings. People has statements from both Kate and Jon:

ìOver the course of this weekend, Jon's activities have left me no choice but to file legal procedures in order to protect myself and our children," Kate said in a statement Monday night. "While there are reasons why it was appropriate and necessary for me to initiate this proceeding, I do not wish to discuss those reasons at this time, in the hope that all issues will be resolved amicably between Jon and myself. As always, my first priority remains our children."

Jon released a statement of his own, claiming his wife was the first to make a legal move. "This afternoon, Kate filed for divorce. Our kids are still my number one priority. I love them and want to make sure they stay happy, healthy and safe. My job is being the best, most supportive and loving father that I can be to my kids, and not being married to Kate doesnít change that."

So what's next for Jon and Kate? Well, from the looks of it, Jon is going to go pick up chicks at a Hard Rock Cafe with Bret Michaels and Kate is going to return to the farm to live in a pen with her turkey brethren.

Kate Gosselin is a Bitch to the Max

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:38:24 +0000

Goddammit, we swore on a Bible, the Koran and Sweet Valley High #48: Slam Book Fever that would would not ever write about Jon and Kate Plus 8, and just look at us today. We audibly groaned when we made a "Kate Gosselin" category. But this video from behind the scenes of Access Hollywood was too deliciously evil not to post. It depicts Kate plus 8 minus Jon preparing for an interview. Little Mady says she's so thirsty she's going to turn into dust, and Kate agrees, so a PA fetches her a bottle of water, Kate takes a big slug, then puts it out of Mady's reach. The kid, hurt, says, ìYouíre really really mean. You drank it right in front of my face.î To which Kate snaps, ìBe quiet.î Then, as if having a change of heart, she makes for the bottle, then changes her mind when the cameras are about to roll. COLD! The only way this could have been meaner would be if Kate swirled the water around in her mouth and gargled and then went "Mmmmmm! MMMMM! Oh, this water is SO DELICIOUS! MMMMM! Oh look, my thirst is so quenched, I don't even need it anymore!" and poured it out on the ground in front of Mady. And then flipped her off. And kicked her in the solar plexus.