Madonna has offered Guy Ritchie an additional £5million to dictate his access rights to their three children.

The singer has agreed to increase the lump sum cash payment he will get in their divorce from £15million to £20million if he backs down from a court battle over Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and David Banda, three.

Legal sources said last night that Mr Ritchie would be well-advised to take the offer since Madonna as their mother would be seen as primary carer.

As such, a British judge would most probably rule the children should live with her in New York rather than in England with Guy.

'Madonna has said to Guy that if she ups the money, then would he agree to her setting out the access for the children until they turn 18. What she is basically saying is that if Guy wants this to go to court, she will get what she wants anyway.

'Basically she is offering a cash incentive to him to encourage an amicable out-of-court agreement over the children.. Madonna is keen to give Guy good access to the children – but on her terms,' a source said.

'Guy wants the children to be educated in Britain – especially his beloved Rocco – but his lawyers will be advising him that if Madonna moves to New York and wants the children with her, a judge is likely to agree.'

But, you know, it really doesn't matter what Guy says, as Madonna is totally the second coming of Christ and should be able to do pretty much anything she wants. As long as she doesn't piss off a bunch of Jews with nails. That might not be good. The rag continues:

The Mail has learned that Guy finally decided the marriage was over during one particular bizarre exchange with his wife at their Marylebone house where she claimed to be 'bigger than Jesus'.

Said a friend: ''The argument happened at the Marylebone house. Madonna had been moaning about his lack of support and lack of interest in what she has doing with Kabbalah.

'She told Guy she did not understand why she was ridiculed by the press for what she was doing with the religion. But Guy just reacted quite sarcastically and told her to "get over herself".

'And that's when it got a bit surreal. Madonna said that her destiny had been mapped out and that she had been chosen to live this life.

'She said the reason why she is a living icon is that she had been chosen to be a spiritual guru. To which Guy turned around and said 'Listen love, you're just a singer'.

'And it was then she turned around to him and said: "Listen baby, I'm bigger than Jesus'".

'Guy was dumbfounded. At that point, he realised that he really had lost her to the Kabbalah. From that point on, Guy felt totally alienated from Madonna. She made him feel that he was beneath her. To make matters worse, that had been one of the few times they had been together in recent months and it was spoiled by that argument.'

The source went on: 'Guy truly believes that Madonna is deluded and lives in a fantasy world ñ particularly also when it comes to her age.

'When Madonna turned 50 for example, she felt her biological age was only 35 so they went ahead as if it was a 35th birthday'.

Now we finally understand Madonna's cruel act of canceling Christmasógirl's just jealous that so many people insist on celebrating the birth of Christ but Madgemas was a huge disaster.


Worship her: See Madonna nude at MrSkin.com.

With the recent brouhaha surrounding Scientology and its followers, Kaballahís golden couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have fallen off the radar. Sources close to the couple say the timing is good, because the coupleís relationship with the religion has been called into question as of late.

ìAshton and Demi used to have an impeccable attendance record,î says one source with close ties to the Kabballah Centre in L.A. Another source close to the couple says itís been ìmonthsî since the two attended services or participated in the Shabbat dinner after Friday services. Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Kutcher was just last week spotted shopping on Robertson Blvd. without his trademark red string.

Whatís to blame for the coupleís flagging attendance?

Definitely not Mooreís kids, because theyíve never been active. ìItís something that Bruce Willis never allowed,î says the source with ties to the Centre. Others say that Kutcher was ìtired of being dragged there on Friday nights.î Whatever the case, the sudden change in routine strikes those who know the couple, who were married in a Kabbalah ceremony, as worrisome. ìItís just odd,î says the source with ties to the Centre, ìsomething must be up.î

At first we thought that Ashton's objection to sacrificing a precious weekend evening must be the cause of the couple's lost faith, but then we thought a little deeper and realized that the timing of this religion dumping is awfully peculiar. So here's our theory: Ashton, taking a break from choosing the perfect highlight color to coordinate with Demi's jewelry collection, was perusing the internet last week and happened upon an intriguing video of fellow actor Tom Cruise. After nine minutes of insight, Ashton proclaimed, "This man really speaks to me. He is so wise. He can teach us much about KSW. We must join him."

Not only is Madonna planning to spend $3 million helping orphans in Malawi – she's going to turn the African children onto Kaballah, the mystical Jewish sect that boasts its own brand of spiritual water. Madonna wants some of her money to go for drilling wells so the orphans will have clean water and no longer suffer from dysentery and waterborne parasites. "Water is the purest expression of God's sharing essence," our spy said. "The water will be Kaballah water."

But the best part of the story came next:

Her publicist, Liz Rosenberg, said she's "involved in the building of an orphanage/child care center," but reiterated that Madonna was just window-shopping when she checked out the orphans there yesterday: "She has not adopted a baby boy as has been previously and incorrectly reported."

She was window shopping? For children? We found this hard to believe until we saw the following photo:

We can hear Madge now: "This one appears to have some scabbing behind the ear. Take him back and bring me another. And for God's sake, clean them up before you hand them over for inspection."

Did you know that Madge rhymes with vadge? Did you also know that both are at MrSkin.com?

Paris Hilton has never been accused of depth. So our earwitness was not surprised during a private kabbala class when the leader asked the small group to give an example of a spiritual experience they'd had. "People told stories about relatives who'd passed away, or about nature, but when it came to Paris' turn, she said, 'Last week in Europe, I met a guy in a club, and he was so hot.' The rabbi, said, 'Yes, go on.' And Paris said, 'No, that was it. He was totally hot.'"

And this is a woman who is adored by twelve-year-old girls and who gets paid obscene amounts of money just to show her face at a club, say "That's hot," and attempt to hide the fact that she's adjourning to the ladies' every half hour for a bump. We might as well just end it now. God save our souls.

See the future of America–naked–at MrSkin.com.

The singer and her director hubby Guy Ritchie have been ìlobbying the government and nuclear industry over a scheme to clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid,î according to Londonís Sunday Times.
The power couple has approached various British government agencies, urging the detoxing powers of a ìmysticalî liquid developed by the mystical offshoot of Judaism, which is currently trendy among some celebs.
ìIt was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically,î one official told the Times.
ìShe relentlessly pursued people,î according to a former civil servant. ìShe wanted to get this Russian scientist to explain this to civil servants.î

On this subject Madonna was previously quoted as saying:

According to science, we aren't going to have a planet in about 50 years at the rate we're going with nuclear waste. I can write the greatest songs, make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world but if there isn't a world to conquer, what's the point?

Luckily for the planet, Madonna uses every available talent in her endeavors. If her world-cleansing abilities are at all comparable to the "fabulous films" Shanghai Surprise and The Next Best Thing, Earth will look so pristine and untouched we'll start thinking it's 463 B.C.
Oh, and about those Russians. They're not so happy with Madonna's plan to bring her own brand of explosive toxic waste (i.e., fake crucifixions) to their country. According to The San Francisco Chronicle:

Madonna is reportedly being targeted by Russian gangsters who are threatening to kidnap her and her kids in a bid to stop her controversial Confessions tour from reaching Moscow next month.
The pop queen's husband Guy Ritchie has called for a step-up in security around his wife and children Rocco and Lourdes — but the singer remains relaxed.
An insider tells British newspaper The Sun, "Madonna is well aware of the kidnap threats but she is brave and even a little nonchalant when it comes to her own safety.
"Guy is seriously concerned and has made it clear that security has to be tightened, just to be on the safe side."

Madonna. To be kidnapped by the Russian mob. It's not as good as Russell Crowe's claim that al Qaeda was plotting to kidnap him, but it's better than making another joke about Britney Spears being fat and covered in Cheeto grease.

Madonna saves the planet one naked boob at a time at MrSkin.com.

I no longer study Kabbalah, my baby is my religion.

Nothing more. No explanation. No pictures of Sean P. dressed in a christening gown with an aluminum foil halo perched precariously atop his head. Perhaps this perplexing announcement can explain the following picture of baby Sean slumped over in an improperly installed car seat.

We had assumed that with such exceptional parentage Sean likely possessed abilities far greater than a normal human infant. But now it appears as if he is capable of mind control. He has conquered his mother's twelve-year-old-equivalent brain and forced her to abandon every religion she claims to practice (we think she was up to about seven the last time we counted) and squire him around in the baby version of a throne. Perhaps he's been meeting with Robbie Williams and they've decided to join their cultmaster forces. A religion built around celebrity babies and aliens would be unstoppable.
More pictures of Sean P. in his throne at A Socialite's Life.

Britney is the true religion at MrSkin.com.

ï Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

ï Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

ï The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

ï Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

ï Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

ï Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

ï Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.

ìGwyneth believes that the dark energy that has dogged her lately is due to something dark and unexplained in her home. Her pregnancy is not as peaceful as her last one and she has also been upset by a stalker.î

So according to Gwyneth, those two days we spent in bed while periodically excreting our insides weren't due to those chicken chimichangas from Jesus's House of Clams but rather a dark energy. We're hiring us one of those fancy Kabbalah guys toute suite just like she did! Those lovable but highly inaccurate gossip monkeys at FemaleFirst quoted The Daily Star:

"Gwyneth has been worried about the bad vibes for a few months now and merely mentioned them to Madonna. And Madonna wanted to help so she put Gwynnie in touch with a rabbit at the London Kabbalah Centre."

We're guessing that a rabbi might have been more effective in getting rid of Gwyneth's offending spirits, but rabbits are just so much cuter. Especially when they're special Kabbalah rabbits who wear little red strings around their furry paws.

Hot mama Gwyneth's ghostly goodies at MrSkin.com.

And kooky Kabbalah gal Madonna shows her stuff there too.

See Madonna's pre-family woman bod at MrSkin.com.