“He wants to handle this as privately as possible, and Samantha is making a circus out of it,” says the insider.

And on the front of the magazine is a nice quote from Samantha: “Jude hasn’t met Sophia yet . . . but I’m sure he’ll be a wonderful father.” Yes, there’s nothing quite like avoiding all contact with the child and ignoring her existence to really prove superior parenting ability. Pretty soon Jude is going to make the “loser” symbol on his forehead and start miming barfing every time anyone mentions Sophia. Awwww! He’s such a good dad!

“Sadly, Jude will not be able to see Sophia until he finishes work on Hamlet on Broadway in December,” one of his chums tells me.

Miss Burke is understood to be planning to sell a highly lucrative interview in which she will “tell all” about her brief affair with the actor. “Jude thinks that if he goes to Florida immediately, it will be a media circus,” says his friend. “He doesn’t see why he should give the paparazzi the pleasure.”

Eddie Murphy’s getting ready to call Jude right now to offer his congratulations.

Samantha Burke, the 24-year-old aspiring actress whom Law met while filming Sherlock Holmes in New York City last year, gave birth to a 5-lb., 12-oz daughter Tuesday night.

“Samantha Burke is overwhelmed with joy at the arrival of her beautiful and healthy baby girl, Sophia,” Burke’s rep, Eileen Koch, tells PEOPLE. “The baby and mom are doing wonderful.”

And Us Weekly dishes on Ellen’s tot:

Grey’s Anatomy actress Ellen Pompeo and husband Chris Ivery have welcomed their first child, a girl, her rep tells Usmagazine.com exclusively.

“Her name is Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery,” her rep tells Us. “She was born Sept. 15 in Los Angeles.”

Sophia and Stella join Charlotte Prinze as celeb babies whose names don’t make us fear for the future of humanity. But while this is good for us, it’s kind of crappy for the kids. Without f’ed-up names, these children just might grow up normal, well-adjusted, and accepted by their peers. Kids like that don’t grow up to make tons of cash off of scandalous tell-alls. Think of the kids’ futures, people!

“She met him at a club in New York,” says the friend. “He was sick, so she kept going to his hotel over the course of a week to take care of him . . . Jude didn’t even remember her. She hasn’t seen him since New York. They’ve only been in contact through their lawyers.”

It’s going to be sweet when this kid asks about the birds and the bees one day. “You see, sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much, they lie very close together in bed and their love creates a new baby. And sometimes a woman meets the dude from AI in a bar after three too many margaritas and in the throes of his extreme nausea, he accidentally ejaculates into the lady who’s cradling his balding pate above the toilet. Then they hammer out a deal for cash. And that’s how you were born, sweetheart!” Ah, the miracle of life!

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Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year. Mr. Law is no longer in a relationship with the individual concerned, but he intends to be a fully supportive part of the child's life. This is an entirely private matter and no other statements will be made.

We haven't been paying much attention to Jude Law since he lost Sienna Miller and most of his hair in rapid succession, mostly because seeing a famous former-sexiest-man-alive stumbling the streets looking like a drunken hobo is pretty damn depressing. So we have no clue. He could have been dating one of the lesser tarts from The Hills for all we know. Oh! But wait! The last we heard of Jude's loins was that they were mashing up against the sweaty, unkempt lady parts of Kimbo Stewart! THAT would be scandal, folks. That would be like Audrina Patridge getting knocked up by George Clooney. You know, if George suddenly started dressing like an H&M mannequin and routinely got laughed at by hot supermodels.

But thankfully our navigational instincts are spot on, as we've discovered the pairing of Jude Law and Kimbo Stewart. Our gossip Peabody, FemaleFirst, reports:

Jude Law has been spotted passionately kissing Kimberly Stewart.

The 'Alfie' actor spent Saturday night (17.05.08) with Rod Stewart's daughter at the One9Five Bar and Nightclub in Essex, South-east England.

One clubber said: "As I walked into the VIP area with my friends I spotted Kimberly getting really passionate with a good-looking guy. She comes in a lot because her dad Rod lives nearby.

"But when she finally pulled away, I could see it was actually Jude Law."

Jude, 35, and Kimberly, 28, arrived at Bar One9Five at around midnight, and began drinking £170 bottles of pink champagne.

One onlooker said: "It caused quite a stir when they walked in. They could barely keep their hands off each other."

After tiring of the bar, the couple went to the nearby One9Five Nightclub.

They drank two more bottles of champagne, and continued to canoodle, but tried their best not to be pictured together. A source said: "I tried to take some pictures of them, as I couldn't believe they were together. However, later in the night, one of his bodyguards came over and took the camera off me and passed it to Jude who deleted most of the snaps."

"Source" may have been shot down, but The Sun managed to snap a few shots, including one with Kimbo heartily grabbing Jude's (sadly understuffed) crotch. Perhaps Kimbo's rep (because you know she has one, despite the apparent absence of a career) will release a statement claiming that Kim was just conducting a bit of personal research. Because growing up with a daddy named Rod makes you abnormally fixate on other men's rods.

ï Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)

ï Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)

ï Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)

ï Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (Cityrag)

ï What's that up Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (Drunken Stepfather)

ï And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (Taxi Driver)

ï Spiderman takes a bride. (Celebitchy)

ï Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (GlossLip)

ï Hate your ears? Then check out these new Britney Spears "songs"! (Derek Hail)

ï Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)

SNORTED 20 lines of cocaine in ONE night alone

STRIPPED down to a thong before inhaling the drug off a coffee table

BRAGGED of wild sex sessions with a host of celebrities including singer James Blunt and model Calum Best.

STRIPPED down to a thong before inhaling the drug off a coffee table

BRAGGED: "I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law."

The mag's source says:

"That night I saw her do more than 20 big lines of cocaine. She was still up doing drugs at 11am even though she had started about 8pm the night before.

"She wasn't even trying to hide it and was blatantly doing it off table tops, keys, books and in the wardrobe, where she was hunched over with her legs crossed almost bent in half doing it off some magazine on the floor.

"I remember looking at her and thinking how pathetic she looked and how out of control she had become.

"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her.

"I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone.

"Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out.

"One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat."

Oh, and about all those dudes she's f'ed:

"She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco," admitted the friend.

"She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month.

"The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, ëStay away from him Bitch, he is mine.'

"Lindsay told me she has messed around with Leonardo DiCaprio a while ago too but claimed that she didn't sleep with him.

"She also flew to New York about two months ago to go to bed with Jude Law.

"Last November she slept with Calum Best. She didn't tell me if he was any good but she is usually too wasted to know what is going on anyway."

Hey, we're not done yet:

"Going to rehab was all for publicity. She wanted people to see her seeking help but it hasn't got her off the drugs at all.

"In an average night Lindsay will do two and half grams of coke on her own.

"She doesn't buy itóshe is given it by friends and acquaintances, and it turns her into an angry monster. I have watched many a time Lindsay treating her staff like crap."

Aaaaand here's a picture of Lindsay giving her friend a little assistance (if you doubt it's her, check out the entire set):

"[Lindsay] called Jude at 1 in the morning," said our spy, "and met him at The Box." The next night, Lohan hit Cipriani Downtown for dinner, stopped by Beatrice Inn, and met up later with Jude at The Box again – this time joined by Law's pals Sean Penn and Tim Robbins. "They are adoring one another's company," said one sly observer, who could not confirm or deny any "dating."

Yeah, they met at the Box, all right. This Box. Hi-yoooo!

Lohan ain't a hohan, but you can see some deep cleavage at MrSkin.com.

And break the Law–Jude, that is–at MaleStars.com.

"Jude and Sienna decided it was over last week. Basically they had fundamental differences in their approaches to life. It was a mutual agreement because they both thought the relationship had run it's course. It's very sad for both of them. They both tried and tried to make it work but they couldn't see a future together and decided to separate."

No future? Mutual agreement? Pish posh. We know the real reason behind the breakup: Jude Law just really loves the city of Pittsburgh, and his beloved's constant, recent rants against the city really rankled him. Now Jude is free to head dahn to Picksburgh's Strip and pick up some chipped ham with the resta yinz, withaht fihr that Sienna'll make funna him n' at.

Sienna is single and quite naked at MrSkin.com.
And Jude is a foxy dude at MaleStars.com.