Being knocked out that much affected my bowels and my waterworks. I had to have a catheter fitted and I was so blocked that I couldn't go to the toilet for 13 days. My stomach was sticking out like I was seven months pregnant – it was agony.

"They gave my suppositories and all sorts but it just wasn't working. Then when I finally did go it took me three hours to give birth to a pebble! And it killed – it was like labour pains. I'm actually frightened to go to the toilet now."

We know what you're thinking. "How can such a delicate blossom exist? She is too gentle; too beautiful for this world." Basically, Jordan is like a latter day Scarlett O'Hara mixed with Blanche DuBois mixed with a super-constipated version of Chesty Morgan. A plasti-titted daffodil waving in the breeze, yet bogged down by several pounds of impacted feces.

Jordan's latest breast operation has left her in agony.

The former glamour model – real name Katie Price – underwent her fifth boob job earlier this month, but the reduction surgery is proving so painful she has lost her appetite and can't sleep.

A source said: "She is in a lot of pain, but the surgeon has told her it is normal. She is not sleeping well because she can't lie flat and has to sit upright all the time. She is finding it tough to eat properly."

Despite the pain, Jordan – who is married to Australian pop singer Peter Andre – is said to be happy with her new, smaller breasts.

The source added: "As soon as she woke up from surgery, she felt around to make sure they were sitting upright and that her nipples were in the right place. She is feeling positive about it all so far."

Now Peter is reportedly considering going under the surgeon's knife to get a more toned abdomen because he is struggling to lose his excess pounds.

"Waaaa! My boobies are sore! Will you please rub my poor sore boobies, Peter Andre?" Unfortunately we think the answer will come back no, unless Jordan's doo-dad downsizing was so severe that they now feel like testes.

Jordan wants Angelina Jolie to play her in a film of her life.

The British model and TV star, real name Katie Price, thinks the stunning actress would be the perfect choice to portray her on the big screen.

She also has a specific leading man in mind to play husband Peter Andre.

Jordan said: "I do really want to do a film about my life. I'm thinking Angelina Jolie could be me and Keanu Reeves for Pete."

You know, we think that Jordan's casting decisions are so terrible that we're going to continue on with our idea of populating a Jordan/Peter Andre biopic with members of the animal kingdom. We think a badger could possibly capture the essence of Peter, as long as that badger waxed his chest and studied Derek Zoolander's Blue Steel really, really hard. Does the Academy give out Oscars for casting? Because we think we've pretty much got that award in the bag.

ï Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)

ï Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)

ï Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)

ï Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)

ï Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)

ï And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)

ï Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)

ï Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)

My breasts have gone saggy after three children, so I want them perked up and made smaller. Theyíll still be big, but not as big and Iím going to go for the fake, American-style boob-job. I really love that.

Well, that should be a nice contrast to the subtle, natural, English-style boob job she's got going on right now.

Observe Katie/Jordan and her boobs throughout the years at MrSkin.com.

ï George Takei now has his own asteroid. His own tight, firm, assteroid. (IMDb)

ï Anakin Skywalker still throwing it into Rachel Bilson. But more importantly, does his hat say "RAPE"? (Drunken Stepfather)

ï J. Lo gutwatch '07 continues. People, we have expansion. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Speaking of ab-related embiggening, Eva Mendes blames hers on rotini and brownies. (Daily Stab)

ï Jennifer Aniston sells magazines. At a stand on the corner of 5th and Walnut, because her career is in the john. Naw, just jerkin' your bird. (The Blemish)

ï See the general area from whence Harvey, Junior, and Princess Tiaamii issued: Katie Price upskirt! (Taxi Driver)

ï Angelina Jolie just the way we like her: with satin grazing her vagina. (Derek Hail)

ï Hanson brother has pulmonary embolism. MMMMMclot! (TMZ)

"I have a wee on the toilet in front of him, but I'd never have a poo in front of Pete, unless it was a sexual act!"

Well, of course, Katie. Pooping into a toilet while someone watches is so much more difficult than pooping on their chest. We completely understand.

Jordan's favourite place to have sex is in the bath.

The glamour model – real name Katie Price – loves getting steamy with husband Peter Andre in the tub, but the couple have to plan their romps with military precision so they aren't caught by their children.

Jordan – who has two children with Peter, new baby daughter Princess Tiaamii and two-year-old son Junior, and a son, five-year-old Harvey, from her relationship with soccer star Dwight Yorke – revealed: "We get in the bath together a lot!

"But we have to plan sex really carefully. With kids it's always hard as one of them could walk in, and then you're like, 'Arggh!' "

The busty star has also revealed that Peter's private parts are completely free of pubic hair, so he is clean for lovemaking.

She said: "Pete even shaves his a***hole. Well, doesn't shave it, but uses Veet to make it go bald. He's very clean down there, like a baby."

We imagine that the reason Jordan loves bathtub sex is that the water somewhat muffles the sound of taut waxed skin rubbing on taut plastic skin. The "squeak, squeak, squeak" would surely wake Harvey.

Oh, and just for fun, here's a picture of Peter cupping his hairless balls. Or is that David Silver?

Just weeks after giving birth to baby daughter Princess Tiaamii, glamour model Jordan seems to be determined to regain her party queen title.

Jordan, real name Katie Price, was a frequent fixture on the celebrity party circuit before marrying Peter Andre in 2005 but she told friends recently that misses her old nights out.

The mother of three was spotted partying with female friends in crotch-flashing tiny yellow dress last week and was out again on Tuesday night. She was overheard complaining to former Liberty X star Michelle Heaton: ìIím never in the papers any more. Itís ëcos Iím a mum and Iím boring and I stay in.î

She added that her married life is far from perfect: ìWeíre always arguing – just like on our TV programme. When the cameras stop we still argue. He gets a lot of attention and weíre both really jealous.î

But after a few years away from the party girl lifestyle, she seems to have lost her stamina. A source told the Mirror that the champagne Jordan was drinking quickly went to her head and she had to be led to the club toilets by her friends.

She tried to make herself sick in the middle of the bathroom and an onlooker heard her tell the attendant: ìDonít worry, if Iím sick Iíll clear it up. Iím used to clearing up sick all day with the kids. Iím used to having s*** all over me.î

When she was finally sick on the floor of a cubicle, she reiterated her offer, saying: ìDonít worry, I know itís there, Iíll clear it up."

This story illustrates the main difference between Brits and Americans. When England's trashiest, famous-for-nothing celeb pukes all over the bathroom, she offers to don a janitor's smock and clean it up. If this were to happen in America with our trashiest, famous-for-nothing celeb (Paris Hilton, obviously), she would probably haughtily walk away from her pile of barf and threaten all witnesses with a snarl of "I better not catch you selling that on eBay."