CelebNewsWire» Jon Voight Archives – CelebNewsWire

Jon Voight Is Still Delusional

Agent E. — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:02:19 +0000

Can we pass some sort of law that requires Jon Voight to wear a muzzle? Fuck energy independence; that's what this country really needs. OK! magazine reports (via Celebitchy):

ìThe twins! Holy smokesÖIím hoping, so weíll see,î he tells OK!. Voight and daughter, Angelina Jolie, have had an infamously estranged relationship in recent years. And while the two are reportedly trying to mend their broken bond, the actor has yet to meet his twin grandchildren.

ìI think sheís very happy,î Voight tells OK!. ìI saw her here before the twins came, and she was so happy. Iíve never seen her that happy. And sheís got this beautiful film with Clint [Eastwood] out, so thereís going to be a lot of energy around that one as well.î

We believe Jon Voight about as much as we believe anonymous sources who blab to the Enquirer. He might as well be saying, "I saw their personal family photos (in People magazine), and I even know their middle names. I am so on the inside of this thing. I know way more about Cox and Valentine than you do."

See Angelina Jolie nude at MrSkin.com.

Move Over Shiloh; You've Got Some Competition

Agent E. — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:59:09 +0000

We've been gypped. Somewhere along the line some lonely blogger with a neglected boner heard the words "Angelina Jolie" and "twins" and immediately started to resurrect his very detailed Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield fantasies, only with poutier lips and billions more dollars. And somehow that rumor spread, until everyone on the interwebs thought it was fact that the Jolie-Pitt kiddies would pop out sans baby wieners. Not so. Angie was cut open on Saturday, and one messianic boy and one female bundle of perfection were pulled out. Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline now join the ranks of Max and Emme Anthony and Phinnaeus and Hazel not-Roberts as A-list mixed-sex twins. Way to go, Angie. We thought you had more individuality in you. Like maybe you'd blow everyone's minds and birth twin raccoons named Bandit and Scamp. Brad really has turned you conventional.

You may be racked with sadness over the missed opportunity to polish off you old Olsen twins countdown-to-legal-twincest calendar for a greater purpose, but you know who's even sadder about this birth than you? Jon Voight. Sure, as soon as he heard the announcement during a Living Lohan commercial break on E! he was on the phone with every press contact in his Rolodex (which by the way looks like this: New York Daily News, New York Post, People, Star, Us Weekly, James Van Der Beek, and a couple of pages marked "Angie" and "James" with the contact info left blank). He gushed and gushed about how happy he was for his daughter, telling The Insider:

"I'm over the moon – it's magnificent. In this world, all we can hope for is that mommy and the kids are healthy. I'm very excited. If I were called today, I'd be there."

We're pretty sure that as soon as that phone call ended he cried into his Hungry Man dinner. But we can't really feel sorry for him. We're guessing that if that call from Angelina ever comes, Jon will equip himself with high-tech hidden cameras a la a John Stossel investigation and sell the footage to Access Hollywood.

Check out Knox and Vivienne's next meal at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: "Shahara! Shahara."

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:38:56 +0000

ï Today's "Inseminated or Ugly Dress?" contestant: Katie Holmes. (Celebrity Mound)

ï Angelina Jolie is planning on burying the hatchet with dad Jon Voight. Maybe now, he'll finally learn Zahara's name. (FemaleFirst)

ï Maria Menounos nearly bares her two-nos. (Taxi Driver)

ï Lindy Loho has cancelled her 21rst birthday blowout. Instead, she'll celebrate by chugging Listerine in the Wonderland bathroom. Aw, that was mean. Sorry, Linds. (Celebitchy)

ï Beyoncekini! Beyoncekini! (Cityrag)

ï Jessica Alba poses sexily for Arena; still talking about how she hates being sexy. (Derek Hail)

ï Yes, random stripper, we totally believe that you had a deep and meaningful love affair with George Clooney. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Jessica Simpson: back to blonde and Pam Andersonesque proportions. Let us celebrate. (Egotastic!)

CNW Junk Drawer: Powderpants

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 03 May 2007 17:25:05 +0000

ï Kate Bosworth takes off her bikini just long enough to slip a bit of nip. (Egotastic!)

ï John Voight finds his daughter "fascinating" and "attractive". And "stunning". If Papa Joe Simpson ever gets out of the daughter managing/ogling game, he might have a worthy replacement. (GlossLip)

ï Sienna Miller slips both nip and panty waistband in the same outfit. Now that's multitasking. Slutty multitasking! (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Busta Rhymes got Busta-ed. What a hilarious play on words! (Yeeeah!)

ï Vanessa Minnillo shills for Bongo jeans. Bongo's still around? What's next, Jessica Alba for Palmetto and Mischa Barton for Camp Beverly Hills? Anyway, cleavage. (Derek Hail)

ï Eva Mendes either showing a swath of upskirt panties, or she has a crotch that is a colorless, shadowless void. But which? (Taxi Driver)

ï Kate Moss turns up with white powder on her pants. We dunno, Kate is pretty much a pro at blowing rails–it's hard to believe she'd let some go to waste hanging out on her Tsubis. (The Blemish)

ï Scary Spice is taking Norbit to court, cuz she's mad at him, haaaay. (TMZ.com)

ï Carmen Electra: in Soviet Russia, booty short and yarn bra wear YOU! (Cityrag)

Zahara Jolie-Pitt's Objection (Tango) to Grandpa Voight

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 30 Aug 2006 17:43:53 +0000

When you're a child, every birthday is a milestone. From playing "stack the Big Macs" at your sixth birthday at McDonald's, to your roller rink hoe-down at nine, to frenching Cody Johnson in the wood-paneled rec room closet at your thirteenth, they're all important winners. And if there's one thing you can count on for every single birthday, it's a mawkish, Raggedy Ann-emblazoned card from the grandparents so syrupy sweet, you're gently coaxed into a diabetic coma. Unless you're the child of Angelina Jolie. Then you're S.O.L. because Pappy Voight can't even tell the difference between you and a fully grown South American singer who has a penchant for singing about her hips and humble breasts.

Jon Voight took a break from gobbling up all available movie set scenery to attend the BAFTA Tea Party, and was caught on camera by the ever-present TMZ.com crew on the red carpet. He was asked about his estranged daughter and her three children, none of whom have ever met Voight and most likely think that their mother sprung fully-grown from the head of Zeus himself. The following exchange followed:

Voight: The kids, you know . . . Maddox just had a birthday. Happy birthday, Maddox! 5 years old–it's a big one! 5 years old; you're getting to be a young man. And I send my love to you, and I send my love to . . . uh . . . Shakira, and . . . Shahira . . . Shakira? Shaha . . ha? [To reporter] Is it Shakira or Shahira or Shahyra?

Reporter: Zahara.

Voight: Shahara! Shahara.

We can say with some degree of certainly that we did not give birth to Angeline Jolie; however, we can definitely tell you the names of all of her children, and that includes middle names. Three kids and their names, while slightly unusual, aren't too much to keep straight in your head. Only when Ang expands her rainbow-hued brood to gargantuan, confusing Mia Farrow-esque proportions does Voight get a pass.

You'll forget your own name when you see Angelina naked at MrSkin.com

This Week in Celebrity Couplings: Who's Porking Who

Agent E. — Thu, 17 Nov 2005 17:38:48 +0000

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more.

First up, the second Mrs. Beard Cruise, Nicole Kidman. She reportedly has been dating country singer Keith Urban for quite some time now, but she was recently seen wearing a big shiny rock on that all-important finger while shopping in Boston. A marriage between a bobble-headed, overly squinty, paler-than-Casper actress and a short, fashionable country singer that no one outside of the Wal-Mart automotive department has ever heard of? We would be skeptical, but given Kidman's extensive experience in holding together a sham marriage, we give it at least four years.
A union that we do not have such faith in is that between Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero from Laguna Beach. We are not fifteen, so we have never seen said program on the moving-picture box, but our feeble minds have been inundated with images of Kimberly Stewart and her ability to out-slut and under-dress even Paris Hilton. The pair have been dating for less than a week and already know they would love to share upwards of three months in wedded bliss before Kimberly meets some dude with a bed in the back of his van and a camcorder on a tripod that he will use to make her a star, baby.
We were briefly saddened by the break-up of Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen, but we thought the uncoupling would only be momentary and they would be back together in time for her to silently stand by his side at the opening of his next film. It looks like our hopes may be shattered, as Leo was seen making out with Kirsten Dunst at L.A. hotspot Privilege recently. We could not be more against this union if they announced their plans to start adopting orphaned African babies to man the machines in their puppy-euthanizing factory. It is just wrong. A witness to the make-out atrocity said, "You could feel the chemistry between the two. It looked hard for them to take their eyes off one another." Kirsten must have learned some voodoo from Fergie that enables you to get a man who is obviously about eight leagues ahead of you to think that you're the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe. That's the only way to explain it.
We skipped over this story the other day because it frightened and confused us, but apparently Diana Ross and Jon Voight are deeply in love. They were set up on a date by Motown founder Barry Gordy and have been inseparable ever since. He's even been approved by her kids. We find this sweet, actually. Voight has had to suffer the indignance of starring in films opposite Dawson and Jenny from the Block, and Ross has recently become the senior set's Tara Reid, so maybe finding love will straighten these kids out.
And we know you've been wondering who Pamela Anderson has been letting in her cabbage patch lately. Kid Rock? Tommy Lee? Stephen Dorff? Wrong on all three counts. Pammy's been sharing her ladybits with America's biggest tool, Mark McGrath. Things could only be worse if she were dating Fred Durst. Or maybe Carson Daly. But at least Page Six was able to zing Mr. Sugar Ray: "The two spent the weekend at Anderson's Malibu home, leaving only to go food shopping. But don't expect this to last too long: We hear McGrath doesn't hold a candle to legendarily endowed Lee." Hahahahahahaha. Sugar Ray has a tiny piece of cane. He's going to need one of Enrique Iglesias's tiny peener covers.
And speaking of Tommy Lee, he seems to be the only celeb not getting any action lately. Lloyd Grove reports that during a recent DJ gig Lee stiffed the waitresses who were attending to him and serving him free drinks all night. When one of the waitresses confronted one of Tommy's flack, he invited her back to Lee's limo to "light up a spliff" and collect her tip. The woman declined and never received her tip. Boy, how the Stolen Honeymooners have fallen. One's boinking the tiny-torpedo'd host of Extra and the other can't even slip a stiffy to a stiffed waitress.

Nicole's nips and other bits at MrSkin.com.

Kirsten's droopers at MrSkin.com.

Is Diana Ross naked at MrSkin.com? You bet your ass.

But not as naked as Pam.

And go to MaleStars.com for the best in Leo, Jon, Mark, and Tommy.