CelebNewsWire» Johnny Knoxville Archives – CelebNewsWire

In His Defense, She Knew He Was a Jackass When She Married Him

Agent E. — Fri, 02 Feb 2007 17:45:21 +0000

Are you sick of your boyfriend doing things like buying you tampons and sending you roses and renting Kate Hudson movies? Is he just not manly enough? Is your idea of the perfect man someone who can get repeatedly shot in the balls with a BB gun in the afternoon and still be up for four hours of sex that night? Are you also partial to a guy who tosses the salad of a coworker then passes her around to all his friends? Well, good news: Johnny Knoxville's getting a divorce. Go get him, girls!

Sean Preston's Packing More Peezle Than Johnny Knoxville

Agent E. — Tue, 28 Mar 2006 17:20:24 +0000

We here at CelebNewsWire feel it is our obligation to bring you the latest in celebrity nipple slips, vibrator talk, and girls admitting they'd totally pork Angelina Jolie. But once in a while we like to step out of that role and slip in a couple of penises. Official CNW Dong Day, which began just moments ago with Fez's full frankenfurter, will now continue with Johnny Knoxville's puny peener. Compare, contrast, and convulse.

We always figured that what drew Jessica Simpson away from her previously blissful union was Johnny Knoxville's enormous, salad-loving crumpet trumpet. But the Jackass admits that he's packing so little downstairs, he probably gets jealous of his cat's cock. Which means that Nick Lachey must be packing about three-quarters of an inch. He's never gonna catch himself another Q-list reality-show bimbo with that sad little thing. Knoxville said,

"I have a penis like 'an egg in a nest'. It looks like a light switch. Seriously. A fucking light switch."

HAHAHAHAHAHA! We bet Pink's clitoris is bigger than that! At least now we know how Johnny dealt with all those career-propelling crotch kicks on Jackass. And, hey, if that Dukes of Hazzard sequel fails to materialize and bring in the big bucks, he can always go into business with Enrique Iglesias selling peanut-sized condoms.

A Jackass and a Stallion Walk into a Bar . . .

Agent E. — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 17:45:40 +0000

So how was your weekend? Did you rent March of the Penguins yet again and coo over how cute the frigid little things are and then spend five hours on eBay trying to find a real stuffed penguin that you could love and cuddle before settling on a used pocket vagina that–let's face it–you will get far more use out of anyway? Well, you didn't have nearly as much fun as Johnny Knoxville and Luke Wilson.

Johnny took time away from ~~not~~ tossing Jessica Simpson's salad to meet up with Luke in a New York dive bar last Friday. A spy told Page Six that they both

"seemed completely out of their minds. On Johnny's way out, he flipped out on a guy who called him a peach and threw the guy into a table, which broke in two. He then hit himself in his own head, as if trying to sober himself up."

After presumably sleeping one off on Saturday, the puffy pair joined up again on Sunday afternoon for some pool and more boozin'. They both chatted up the lowest level of celebrity prey, the non-famous woman. Shocking! Scandalous! We should revoke their SAG cards! Wilson, being the less smooth of the Stallion Brothers, struck out then left the bar without paying his check and was rustled up by the barkeep to fork over some of his My Dog Skip residuals. Bet those penguins and that pocket pussy are looking pretty damn good right now.

Neither Johnny Knoxville nor Luke Wilson are at MaleStars.com, but they've both been in movies with Selma Blair. She's pretty. And naked at MrSkin.com

Like Puberty All Over Again: Lindsay Lohan

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 29 Nov 2005 17:59:06 +0000

It seems that lately, we constantly come across new pictures of trampy teen tartlet Lindsay Lohan wearing a bikini, or a low-cut dress, or other such sartorial delights to show off her ever-expanding chest. It’s probably unhealthy to remain this excited week after week about the fact that Lindsay Lohan’s breasts are returning to their former meaty, beaty, big and bouncy glory, but at this point, they’re her only redeeming feature, what with the underage drinking and bad dye jobs and Letofucking and all.

Lindsay was on Leno the other night, looking uncommonly glowing and smiley and fit as a fiddle, wearing a purple dress that showed off her blossoming bustline to great effect (at this point, she’s just a few outfits away from a Dale Bozzio-esque fiberglass brassiere). And frankly, the chippie’s got some great stems on her, too.

But lest you start thinking to yourself, “Say, there. This ‘Lindsay Lohan’ doll. She’s a real cupcake, ain’t she? A nice, wholesome, all-American teenage girl,” be warned that her old persona, The Hohan, reared its dong-starved, Medusalike head again recently. Although she’s been spotted flashing a big shiny rock on her left ring finger and dropping hints that she’s about to make an honest man out of Jared “Jordan Catalano” Leto, tongues are wagging and rumors are flying that she hooked up with her erstwhile Just My Luck costar, Simpson salad-tosser Johnny Knoxville. According to the New York Daily News, Lo-ho and Knoxville reunited, and it feels so good, at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. A hotel snitch blabbed,

“They were really close, walking together through the bungalows by the pool. They didn’t seem to be acting too covertly, but that’s because nobody was around.”

OK, so walking with a former costar isn’t remotely scandalous. Cut us a break; we were just trying to flesh out all the titty pics with a story in a bid to look professional. And it totally worked! We win! WE WIN!!!

Oh ho! It’s the Lo-Ho! Sexy little pictures at MrSkin.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: Yoakam? It Damn Near Killed 'im

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 31 Aug 2005 17:16:39 +0000

ï Gwen Stefani sees herself as a "dorky fat kid". That's funny, because we see her as a creepy transvestite who keeps Japanese girls as pets.

ï Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and weed.

ï Naomi Campbell blah blah blah new catfight blah blah punching slapping blah zzzzzzzzzz.

ï Johnny Knoxville has something in common with Mick Jagger. And it's not 30 illegitmate children or highly kissable lips!

ï Victoria Posh Spice says she does, in fact, read books. They're just children's books, is all.

ï Nick and Jessica can barely fake it anymore.

ï It's kind of a crude, low budget Midwestern version of Gawker Stalker, but we have our first celebrity sighting: a snitchy spy wrote us and said that they spotted Dwight Yoakam at the White Stripes/Greenhornes show in Chicago last night, and that Yoakam was "hanging around the Greenhornes' dressing room for a good hour, calling the band 'my Ohio boys' and eating their Fritos and dip". If you see Yoakam (or, like, Angelina Jolie, or Marilyn McCoo even) at their show tonight, let us know: tips@celebnewswire.com.

CNW Junk Drawer: Nothing About Lohan Despite References to Coke and Anorexia

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 27 Jul 2005 17:32:06 +0000

ï Anorexia, asthma, crummy tonsils, kidney problems, throat cysts, childhood OCD. It's a wonder Jessica Alba lived past puberty.

ï Osama Bin Laden: valiantly trying to wipe out America's population of electroclash holdovers.

ï Kate Moss loses 120 lbs. of ugly, useless flesh; possibly picks up a Jackass.

ï Nicole Kidman plans to take a year or two off acting. We suspect that when she returns, she'll have mysteriously taken more than a year or two off her looks.

ï Two impossibly good-looking WB stars' three-month old marriage on the rocks? If Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

ï The diabolical Mischa Barton plays the TomKat game.

ï Brittany Murphy proves that nothing sells jeans quite like a lack of jeans.

Dukes of Hazzard Related: Infidelity, Nudity from Two Generations of Daisies

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Tue, 07 Jun 2005 17:51:03 +0000

Oh, the Jessica Simpson-Johnny Knoxville salad-tossing rumor was a rollicking good time, to be sure. But the plot thickens: Jessica "f-ed" Knoxville's fellow Jackass Bam Margera, according to his ex-girlfriend. But we can't blame Jessica. The poor dear doesn't have a good role model–the O.G. Daisy Duke, Catherine Bach, once got Sapphic and graphic in a rare '70s movie that's now being re-released by Troma.

Margera's ex, Jennifer Rivell, called Philly's Q102 radio station last Friday morning to discuss the fact that half the cast of Jackass has had the pleasure of sampling her Chicken of the Sea. A brief sampling (or listen to the entire interview here):

Jen [Bamís ex]: He cheated on me with 45-50 girls. Yes, he did f- Jessica Simpson.

DJ: And you know this for a fact?
Jen: I know this for a fact. He woke up in her bed. I have an email. He told me all about it.

DJ: This is going to get out and be a big bombshell for Jessica Simpson and her people.
Jen: She humped PJ too while they were shooting Dukes of Hazzard.

DJ: Who?
Jen: PJ. Johnny Knoxville [PJ is his real name]. She [Jessica] is as dumb as she looks.

DJ: How did you find out about Bam and Jessica? Did he tell you?
Jen: Yes. He told me, ìYou think youíre so f-ing special. I got to f- Jessica Simpson this weekend so I could replace you in a minute.î

In related Daisy Duke news, the ulta-mega-super-rare 1978 film Nicole is being re-released by Troma under the new title Crazed. Although one cannot view what lurks beneath the excruciatingly tight denim prison of a then-eighteen-year-old Catherine Bach's booty shorts, one can indeed check out Daisy's buds as she finds herself in a lesbian clinch with Gigi star Leslie Caron.

See pics of Jessica Simpson partially clothed at MrSkin.com.

And the aforementioned Catherine Bach rack shot . . . at MrSkin.com.

Jessica Simpson's "Ho" Down

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 05 May 2005 17:43:36 +0000

So we're a bit behind on the Jessica Simpson news. The lingering memory of Fred Durst’s O face made us slowly back away from the rumor that he and Mrs. Lachey were all over each other at a recent party. But now Simpson has moved on to bumping and grinding with totally unfamous people. Where’s the newsworthiness in that? Her PR flack needs to sit her down for a good how-to-get-publicity talking to.

While hubby Nick is off in Sweden or Switzerland or some such magical place where snow and bikinis meet, Jessica has been seen holding hands in the dark with Johnny Knoxville (oooh, racy!), feeling up Fred Durst (though no touching of the ass or balls was sighted), and now dancing on some unsuspecting bar patron in Vegas. A spy at the club claims that Jess “started dancing like a maniac, at one point grinding with some unknown pretty boy.” And of course this was after she gave the finger to someone seeking an autograph. At least this unknown paramour was said to be pretty, because Jessica seems to be on a slippery slope here. Nick and Johnny we could handle–but Fred Durst? You can’t get much lower than that. Even Christian Slater or Colin Farrell might be a step up at this point. Maybe Jessica should get Lindsay Lohan on the phone and start trading celeb contact info.

See Jessica Simpson’s Nude Review at MrSkin.com.

Lohan Behold, Lindsay’s Sick Again.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Fri, 11 Feb 2005 16:58:16 +0000

Aw, hell. Lindsay Lohan’s done gone and worked herself to the point of illness yet again. All that ~~underage drinking and fucking Johnny Knoxville~~ filmmaking really takes it out of a girl.

Isn’t it so funny how Lindsay always somehow finds herself hospitalized for various ailments right after the gossip rags report that she’s been underagedly drinking the alcoholic beverages and screwing the overaged costars and showing up late for work? I mean, it’s just so weird!

The 18-year-old star has been bulldozing her way through New Orleans fueled by Red Bull and Jager while there on location for the movie Just My Luck. According to various reports, she’s been suffering from bronchitis and various sundy upper respiratory ailments, and was admitted to the hospital for chest X-rays. First come the X-rays, next comes the exhaustion. Lohan’s publicist confirms, “Lindsay has been under the weather.” “Weather”, of course, being Johnny Knoxville’s nickname.

Lohan Plowing Her Way Through Big Easy

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 09 Feb 2005 17:21:58 +0000

Ah, to be young, rich, famous, buxom, and sauced up in New Orleans during Mardi Gras! Ah, to be porking Johnny Knoxville! Lindsay Lohan, these are the days you'll remember. Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.

America's hardest-partyin' sweetheart is bulldozing a skanky path strewn with boozy vomit through the Big Easy, where she's shooting a film called Just My Luck. And it's just our luck to find out that she's been hooking up with Jackass star Johnny Knoxville, who's there shooting The Dukes of Hazzard movie with Jessica Simpson. As a sort of telling testament to Lindsay's strenuous late night revelry schedule, she got a few chest X-rays last week, and took a day off shooting due to "a bad flu". Even more telling is Lohan's rep's (who had "no comment" in regards to Knoxville) mysterious statement: "Everyone on set is on antibiotics." Well. That sounds awfully . . . clappy.