“Johnny Depp was someone who was sexy 10 years ago. He’ll be sexy 10 years from now. He’s someone who appeals to multiple generations of women.”

And ten years after that, he’ll still be sexy. And he’ll be sexy 10 years after that. 10 years following that he’ll be in assisted living, gumming canned pears and goosing nurses with his fungus-nailed claw hands and he’ll still be sexy. 10 years after that he will be drained of blood and organs and in a coffin and he will still be sexy. 10 years after that, butyric putrefaction has set in, and beetles are chewing their way through Depp’s ligaments while tineid moths feast on his glorious hair and face it, you’d still f him. God, this was a hot story.

ï Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Also pregnant and half naked? Tori Spelling in a bikini. (Derek Hail)

ï Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (F-listed)

ï Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (Cityrag)

ï Rob Lowe's former employees made whoopie in his bed! (The Blemish)

ï Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (Daily Stab)

ï Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis to finally tie the knot. Hopefully she can get on his dental plan now. (PopCrunch)

ï Move over, crabs in Paris Hilton's pubes! Hilary Duff has a scorpion in her pants! Beat that! (Evil Beet)

ï Is Maria Sharapova lobbing it into Camilla Belle? Oh, the intrigue! (Fatback)

ï Toni Braxton is in the hospital. Unbreak her busted heart sac. (Allie Is Wired)

ï Naomi Campbell got banned. Banned like 2 Live Crew. Banned like slap bracelets in 1994. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Penny Kravitz? (Female First)

ï What's in Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (Taxi Driver)

ï Kate Moss wears sheer dress, shows what she's got up Top(Shop). (Drunken Stepfather)

ï Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(IDLYITW)

ï We look at these pictures and imagine the sound Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (Yeeeah!)

ï Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (D Listed)

ï After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning, Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (Cityrag)

ï Enjoy a visit with Posh Spice v. 1.0. (ICYDK)

ï Tom Sizemore, busted for meth. Just like your cousins Travis and Crystal Jean. (TMZ)

ï Ashlee and Jessica do not suffer each other gladly. (A Socialite's Life)

ï Depp's got two tickets to Paradis. Won't you pack your bags? We'll marry tonight. (Gabby Babble)

A hard-core pornography comic has sparked outrage by depicting Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightley having sex with her co-stars Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. According to a report in the Sun, the publication, which is printed in the US by Sinful Comics, will show Keira being seduced by Johnny and Orlando. Disney, the firm behind the Pirates series of movies, is reportedly furious and considering taking the publishers to court.

Another report (which we read this morning but are of course unable to find now that we need it) describes the comic as featuring Keira in a threesome with Johnny-as-Jack Sparrow, Orlando-as-whatshisface, and the Cthulu-like beast from the Pirates sequel. So, pirates, heaving-bosomed females, tentacles, and porking in cartoon form. It's like the collective wet dream of the nation of Japan!

PG-13 caps from the toonporn are at Egotastic!

Sail Keira's naked high seas at MrSkin.com.

ï Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

ï Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

ï George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

ï Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

ï Et tu, Rose McGowan?

ï Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

ï Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

ï Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

Hm.

Yes.

Depp's head, looking mighty tore up according to guests at the ceremony, rambled, "Hey listen, I wanted to thank you all very, very much. I'm sorry I couldn't be there. It's a great honour. I'm on a mad trek through the Carpathian mountains searching for Vlad the Impaler who I'm hoping to hook up with. There's rabid dogs, wolves, all sorts of squeaky things, weird stuff. First I want to say thank-you to the people because you are the employer, you are our boss. I hope someday to make you all a cup of coffee."

A guest at the ceremony reported: "Everyone felt just a bit disappointed by Depp's speech. He looked exhausted and worn-out. Lots of people thought he must be ill. He was stuttering and behaving weirdly and you'd never have guessed he was the same fresh-faced guy who starred in 'Edward Scissorhands'." OK, you maybe had us until the last part: