ï Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)

ï Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)

ï Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)

ï A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)

ï Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)

ï Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)

ï Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

ï Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)

ï Hunkosaurus Rex John Stamos blames his recent slurry interview on Ambien. Right now, David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul are cursing themselves for not thinking of that one first. (Glitterati Gossip)

ï Crack-addicted, clammy, rotten-toothed, smack-shooting, overgrown fetus cheats on beautiful multimillionaire supermodel icon. What? (Yeeeah!)

ï Thanks to Fergie, product-plugging in songs is about to get even more prevalent. We can't wait for Jay-Z to namecheck Palmettos and for the new Avril Lavigne album, "Heartache and Kraft Singles, Which Are Made with 100% Real Milk". (Allie Is Wired)

ï Michelle Rodriguez does public chin-ups, though she probably also does pubic chin-ups. With girls. (Derek Hail)

ï The reason we haven't seen totally naked, total-body, high-def pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo full-on boning in a hot tub? M-O-N-E-Y. That, and the fact that no one really cares about 'em much. (Celebitchy)

ï More Megan Fox. Now, 22% more see-through. (Popoholic)

ï Eva Longoria has a serious problem involving an ass crack, hungry for spandex. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Stern asked Stamos if he'd thought Teri Hatcher has had too much plastic surgery. Stamos replied:

"Yeah, you know sheís ok. I actually saw her the other night, we were at that Ryan Seacrest thing and she came out and kept trying to kiss me in front of all of the cameras."

John was apparently involved with Denise Richards post-Charlie and pre-Richie. He said:

"The truth was weíre really good friends and when she was going through her divorce, I was there for her. We had dated you know years before for a while. This time around was just kind of a fast thing and she was going through a hard time. I felt bad that we couldnít continue on, but it was a bad timing thing. Sheís a great mom and sheís a very hands-on mom, you know, and dating women with kids is tough."

And just call him Richie Stamboros, because he almost had Heather Locklear in her prime, too:

I met her one time and we got really drunk and she asked me to go up to her room with her. But I was a kid and she was getting me plastered, we were playing quarters and by the end I couldnít even hit the quarter on the table. So she said why donít you come up to my room in a few minutes, Iím going to take a shower, and I was like yeah, you know, Iím going to do this. The next thing I remember, I woke up with barf all over my room and security was pounding on the door because I had to get to the show. I was in my own room, I just missed the whole thing!

And speaking of being too drunk to hump, John mentined that he had also done it with Brat Pack era Demi Moore, but he could barely remember the act due to his drug use at the time. See, Nancy Reagan had it all wrong when she waged a war on drugs. Her slogan should have been "Don't Do Drugs Because You Will Get to Have Sexual Intercourse With Incredibly Sexy and Rich Hollywood Starlets But Then You Won't Remember It So Basically It's Like You Never Banged Them in the First Place." Which doesn't have the same memorable ring to it as "Just Say No," we admit. But it probably would have been much more effective. Guess we'll never know. Thanks a lot, Nancy Reagan.

Teri Hatcher's hairy snatcher at MrSkin.com.

Denise: also there, also naked.

Heather Locklear's there.

And wouldn't ya know it, so's Demi.