CelebNewsWire» Joel Madden Archives – CelebNewsWire

Sparrow Madden Flies Toward Magazine Cover Fame

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:12:20 +0000

In our greed-filled never-ending quest to get more traffic to CelebNewsWire, we’ve been scouring our stats and discovered two things: readers like dames with no clothes on and they like pictures of babies. Which means that our fans are depraved perverts and also Jennifer Aniston. Today, People released the first pictures of the second offspring of Nicole Richie and her possible husband Joel Madden. This is our maiden peek at Sparrow Madden and we have to say we’re pretty disappointed. He doesn’t have a beak and brown wings, OR eyeliner, bell-festooned dreadlocks, and a pirate’s cap. Weak.

If you’re a baby, follow us on Twitter.

NicJoel Make It Official. We Think.

Agent E. — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:27:19 +0000

We’re pretty sure that Nicole Richie and Less-Annoying Madden (a.k.a. Joel) don’t actually qualify as famous people anymore. If either of them currently have anything going on, work wise, we’re completely unaware of it. Maybe they decided to pursue more normal lives and Nicole’s going to nursing school and Joel’s studying up to become an HVAC specialist? Because we’re pretty sure that they don’t want to be famous anymore. Why else would they have a secret wedding when they could sell the event to OK! or get a reality show on E! out of it? But nevertheless, Radar conjectures that they’re hitched:

Rumors have been circulating throughout Hollywood and beyond on Thursday that after two babies Nicole and Joel have walked down the aisle.

One source says that Nicole and Joel, real name Joel Ryan Combs, obtained a marriage license sometime last week and married in a top secret ceremony on Wednesday.

Well, mazel tov to them. Probably. Cause we think they’re married. Though we could be wrong. God, why can’t they just put out a press release like normal celebrities? Have they learned nothing about the proper way to conduct their lives from the Kardashians?

Welcome to the World, Spare Tire Madden

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 19:36:25 +0000

Today is 9/9/9, which, if you turn it upside down, is 666. Diabolical! And lo, the child of Lucifier is born on this most evil day! All hail the bringer of evil! OK, so maybe he isn’t the son of Satan. He’s the son of Nicole Richie and Joel Madden. And maybe he’s not a bringer of evil, but he’ll probably bring heavy diapers and bubbly spit-up which is pretty maleficent. The following appeared on Nicole’s offical blog:

In the middle of night, the very early hours of September 9, 2009, (Sparrow James Midnight Madden was born to Nicole Richie and Joel Madden.

He weighs 7lbs 14oz. Nicole, Joel, Harlow and Sparrow are all doing well. Thank you for all of your good wishes.

That’s a shame that they couldn’t think of a name that encapsulated fragility and feyness a little more.

Baron Kypher Martavious Madden on His Way

Agent E. — Fri, 29 May 2009 17:43:30 +0000

It was bound to happen. We knew that one day we would look back and think, "Why can't people give their kids nice normal names anymore? What's wrong with classics like Bronx Mowgli?" We just had no idea that day would come before young Wentz hit his first birthday. We had pretty much forgotten that Nicole Richie was pregnant (or alive, for that matter), but she is, and she's thinking up some baby names. She did a fairly decent job with her first tot, Harlow. Unique, but not stupid. It makes us think of Jean Harlow, and she was pretty. It looks like the second spawn o' Madden will be a boy, and Nicole has a couple of monikers waiting in the wings. First in line, according to Star (via Celebitchy), is Baron.

When she heard Donald Trump named his baby that, she told Joel she really likes it. She also like the names Kypher, a mythological creature, and Martavious, which means ëspecial one.'

Stryper and Stradivarius? Yom Kippur and Mata Hari? Man, we hope that kid comes out looking like a Baron.

Nicole Richie: Preggo Again, Naturally.

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 18:42:13 +0000

A year or two ago, the happening thing with the Hollywood youths was getting knocked up. Now the hot thing is having IVF and/or begetting multiples. After being one of the trailblazers of the unwed mother trend, Nicole Richie is now jumping on the new fad. She's knocked up again. Her beau, That One Madden Who Didn't F Paris Hilton, wrote on his blog yesterday:

"Better than winning an OSCAR! I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope [you're] all feeling as good as i am right now."

Well duh. Obviously he feels pretty decent. He just busted a nut inside of a lady sans rubber. A busted, rubberless nut bestowed upon them by the heavenly hand of our Lord. Allelujah!

"WANT 2 SCREW L8R?"

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 17:32:43 +0000

We're pretty sure your hottest sexual fantasy involves a spider monkey extending one spindly, bony finger to transmit electronic dirty talk with plenty of emoticons, yes? Splendid. Then this is the story for you! According to our own personal gossip cell provider Female First, Nicole Richie is addicted–ADDICTED!–to dirty texting. Addicted! She can't live without it!

Nicole Richie is addicted to sending sexy text messages.

The star – who has a 10-month-old daughter Harlow with partner Joel Madden – can't resist telling Joel all her steamy bedroom fantasies when they are apart.

Nicole's former bodyguard said: "She is a pistol who says exactly what is on her mind. When she is not with Joel, she is constantly sending sexy text messages, telling him what she is wearing and what she wants to do with him when she gets home."

With someone like, say, a Megan Fox or a Jessica Biel, this might have indeed been a very erotic story. But Nicole Richie's sensuous texts are most likely: "Hey baby. I am wearing an oversized caftan and a burp cloth. I can't wait to get home and eat a baby carrot and then throw it up. Luv u."

CNW Junk Drawer: Keeping Up with Her Ass-ian

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:19:46 +0000

ï Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)

ï Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)

ï Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)

ï Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)

ï Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)

ï Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)

ï 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)

ï Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)

ï Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)

Single White Female: Here Comes Paris

Agent E. — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:50:21 +0000

Remember when Paris Hilton was all dick-sucking famous and everyone paid attention to her and found her interesting? And she had this friend who was sort of dumpy and awkward but had loads of dough from her famous daddy, so Paris helped her out by making a TV show with her? Yeah, that was a long time ago. And now (inexplicably) everyone is more interested in Nicole Richie than they are in Paris, because Nicole has a baby, and those things are so rare and coveted that they turn normal humans into gods in Hollywood. If only Paris would have a baby, maybe she'd seem slightly more interesting than a rotten banana again. Plus, it would complete her Jennifer Jason Leigh-ing of Nicole. According to Page Six:

NEW mom Nicole Richie is constantly cooing over her love of suburban life – at least she was until best friend Paris Hilton moved in next door. Richie lives with baby daddy Joel Madden in Glendale, Calif., and Joel's twin brother, Benji Madden, who now dates Hilton, lives next door. Friends of Richie told Page Six recently, "Nicole moved out there to get away from the paparazzi, but when Paris calls them they come to her quiet street and disrupt everything. She's getting a little fed up."

We find this friend's claims a little dubious. We believe that Nicole isn't stoked to have Paris as a neighbor, but we don't think it's because of the paparazzi. Just imagine: Nicole and Joel have put little Harlow to bed and retired to their bedroom to light a fire and eat some chocolate-covered strawberries. Just as they begin to get down to mommy-daddy time, they hear an energetic, repeated knock on the window, only to see Paris peering in, waving with one hand and holding Chutes & Ladders in the other. Terrifying.

Paris Hilton. Naked. At MrSkin.com.

And Nicole gets sexy there too.

Joel and Nicole To Make Threesome with God

Agent E. — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:45:19 +0000

We're pretty sure that most celebrities are Godless sinners who believe that fame gives them an automatic guest-list spot in Heaven (except for Mel Gibson, of course; he loves Jesus), so hearing that Joel Madden won't marry Nicole Richie unless she becomes Christian just confuses us. The National Enquirer reports (via Celebitchy):

ìJoel is determined not to marry Nicole until she asks forgiveness for her sins and is willing to raise little Harlow with the same religious upbringing that he had,î a source told The Enquirer. ìJoel may look like a rebel, but the truth is he is an old-fashioned conservative guy with hardcore Christian beliefs.

ìÖ The Bible is a big part of his life – so much so that he has a tattoo of Jesus and a Sacred Heart on his arms. Joel went to church regularly as a kid and he believes that God has made him what he is today. He has seen all the problems that spoiled Hollywood children like Nicole encountered, and is determined to prevent Harlow from being the stereotypical Beverly Hills brat.î

In an attempt to break from her checkered past of rehab stints, drunk driving and drug arrests, Nicole has already begun her spiritual transformation, says a close friend. And insiders say she couldnít be happier. ìIt looks like Nicole is on the way to fully embracing Joelís religious beliefs,î said the friend. ìShe knows how great her life has become thanks to him.î

As The Enquirer reported last week, Nicole has had trouble coping with the stress of motherhood. ìJoel thinks God will be the ultimate answer to her problems,î continued the sourceÖ. ìAs much as Joel loves Nicole, and is dedicated to being her rock, he feels like their marriage would never work unless they are on the same page with their religious beliefs,î added the source. ìBottom line, he wants a Christian family.î

"Yeah, baby, you're cool and all, we can live together, I'll screw you when I'm not busy reading my Bible, and you can have my kid, but, sorry, I don't marry heathens."

Nicole Richie's Man Slinks Home, Stinking of Firecrotch

Inspector S. (CNW Admin) — Thu, 15 May 2008 17:50:18 +0000

Poor Nicole Richie is damned if she do and damned if she don't. If she goes out and parties, people say she's a bad mother. But if she stays home, succubi hone in on her tattooed baby daddy, Joel Madden. Freckled succubi. Freckled succubi with flames shooting out of their crotches. Star has the story:

While Nicole Richie was home caring for her baby, her fiancÈ Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay Lohan. Needless to say, Nicole was crushed. The trouble started for the new mom after she decided to stay home with their 4-month-old daughter, Harlow, while Joel deejayed at Hornitosí Cinco de Mayo party at Crown Bar in L.A. However, while there, the Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.

ìTheir heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers,î says one onlooker. ìJoel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasnít turning her away.î Nicole was immediately alerted to the situation by her arch-frenemy Paris Hilton, who sent her a devastating text message: Lindsay was all over Joel!

Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasnít answering his phone. ìHe was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring,î a friend of the couple tells Star. ìNicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage.î

When it comes to your boyfriend flirting with other girls at a club, sometimes you can just shrug it off, and sometimes it's a dealbreaker. It's like the dude is your bologna sandwich, and him talking to other girls is the 5 second rule. It falls on the ground, you shrug, make sure no one's looking, and pick it back up and eat it. But him touching Lindsay Lohan is like your sandwich falling into a puddle of diarrhea mixed with leeches. You just gotta cut your losses and move on.

Dig into more Nicole at MrSkin.com.

Lindsay too!